Adam and Eve file for divorce

(From left to right) Eve and Adam during their days in the Garden of Eden.

LIZZIE BIBBS

News from Above Reporter

At around 10 a.m. today Adam and Eve announced their divorce on the steps outside of heaven.

“We were a match made in heaven but I guess even heaven can only last so long,” Eve said. "With a man like Adam, heaven is about as long as it takes to eat an apple."

Both of their lawyers were present with Michael the Arch Angel representing Adam and Jonah of Arch representing Eve.

Adam and Eve are the longest known couple, being together since the beginning of time and are more commonly known for the mishap in the Garden of Eden.

The grounds for their divorce are “irreconcilable differences,” according to Heaven County Court documents.

“We gave it a try but no matter how many years went by Adam still blamed me for us being banished from the Garden of Eden,” Eve said. “Get over it. Maybe if someone had bothered to tell me not to eat the fruit, it would be a different story.”

Adam said he has done a lot for Eve and is tired of his charity and efforts going unnoticed.

“How’s that rib working for you Eve?” Adam asked.

As far as not telling Eve of the no eating of fruit from the Tree of Life Policy, Adam says she never asked.

“If a snake you’ve never seen before and by the way is talking to you, suggests eating from the tree why not ask me about it first?” Adam stated. “I wish I had given her half of my brain.”

Adam does admit he too ate the fruit but said it was due to the peer pressure.

“Look I’m sorry I took the fruit but she had the first bite and she said she could see things in a new light,” Adam said. “The way she was looking at me, I wanted to see her like that.”

Adam only wishes he still could still see Eve like he did after his first bite.

“If her boobs were still that perky, I think we could have made it,” Adam said.

Even Eve admits the first bite of fruit opened her eyes to a new world.

“He was packing,” Eve said. “Man was he packing.”

Though Eve said she grew tired of Adam’s whining and constant complaining about no longer being in the Garden of Eden.

“I don’t know what he’s complaining about,” Eve said. “So he now has to work in the fields. I’m the one shoving babies out without the aid of a pain killer. Let’s see him birth a baby. Then he can complain.”
Eve is tired of feeling guilty and is ready to move on with her life.

“It’s that damn Catholic guilt Adam keeps ramming me with. Every time a woman screams while in labor, he suggests I write an apology letter to her,” Eve said. "Perhaps he should write an apology letter to the blue collar workers of the world."

Eve is done with primitive men for now.

“Adam, being the first man has a lot of flaws. He was completely lost on the whole deodorant thing,” Eve said.  “Today I am announcing my relationship with Sarah, wife of Abraham. She smells really pretty.”

Adam was not shocked to hear of Eve’s new found love and said he too is moving on.

“I met Mary Magdalene at the Bible Class reunion and man is she a card,” Adam said. “I gave her my digits and we’ve been on a few dates.”
Adam said Mary is not like Eve at all.

“She’s a lady,” Adam said. “She has new traditions and customs that I wasn’t even aware of. For instance after every date, I give her a $50. Eve never made me give her money. I feel as if I am a modern man now.”

Adam and Eve’s assets have yet to be divided but it speculated Eve will get full custody of Cain and Abel.