God declares Jews are still his chosen people

LIZZIE BIBBS

Higher Ground Press

God is now making it official; the Jews are his chosen people. Furthermore, God is now proclaiming he is upset with the way Christians portray him.

“You read the Old Testament and I am an all fearing and powerful God and then you get to the New Testament and I get all soft,” God said. “When did I ever say I loved everyone? Jesus was always putting words in my mouth.”

God said he misses the time when people were so fearful of him; they would sacrifice their best lamb and their only virgin daughter for him.

“I know they say they are sacrificing a lamb to show their love but let’s be honest, it was in the fear of if they did not that I would burn down their village. Those where the good old days,” God said. “Where are the personally sacrifices for me? I am not talking about these mental struggles. I am talking about slapping your wife in my name.”

God said he may not show his anger as abruptly as he use to but he is still to be feared.

“In my old age I got tired of destroying whole cities. It was such hard work and in the end if I tore down Sodom or Gomorrah, they built Babylon. No, now I have more power with the afterlife,” God said. “The Christians did get the whole Hell thing right.”

God said when he hears someone using his name in vain or lying, instead of killing a beloved son or burning down their village, he laughs as he thinks of them burning in the eternal Lake of Fire.

“Yes, Hell is such sweet poetic justice,” God said.

God is confused by the Christians portrayal of him as an all loving God who also damns people to Hell.

“They preach about me loving everyone but then they go on about everyone but themselves being Hell bound,” God said. “Under the New Testament’s teaching, I am a Hippie and peace loving being, so how could I damn people to Hell? According to these people I should be welcoming Nazis into the pearly gates with flowers and hugs.”

God said the way Christians speak of him is appalling.

“If they would just stop at me damning everyone to Hell, then we’d have something to talk about but no, they have to make me a damn pussy with all that talk about love,” God said. “Where are the whole chapters about me throwing Pontius Pilot and Romans into the fire pit? If they had just added the book according to Chuck Norris, then those Christians would be saved.”

God claims he never said the Christians were his chosen people for a reason and he holds a special spot for them in Hell.

“It’s in between the gays and the unborn fetuses,” God said. “Yeah unfortunately fetuses are not heaven bound; I can’t spend all eternity with something which barely has a brain and wasn’t baptized.”

God also praises the Jews who are the only religion which keeps holy the Sabbath, held every Saturday not Sunday.

“Heaven is exclusively for the Jews. I know they don’t believe in an afterlife, but it’s kind of an added bonus after a whole life of worshiping me properly,” God said. “Besides I promised them they were my chosen people, I can’t turn my back on them now.”

God said Christians do stand a chance if they put down the, “Hippie crosses” and burn their favorite gerbil in his name.

“You can stop preaching about your all loving and powerful God. All I want is the power,” God said. “And for my sakes, eat a kosher meal once in a while and lay off the shrimp.” 

Samson tests positive for steroids

LIZZIE BIBBS

B.C. Olympic News

Getty

Samson has now tested positive for steroids after years of claiming his strength came from his hair.

After years of speculation Samson admits he indeed did take steroids and his hair was only a fabricated lie he created to cover his tracks.

“Yes, it is true I have taken HGH,” Samson said. “It wasn’t the hair at all and I send my sincere apologies for any kind of pain or grief my actions might have caused.”

Samson for years said his strength came from his long locks of brown hair but the HGH was found in Samson’s system after he was required to take a drug test during the Olympic Trials.

Samson was supposed to compete with the Israeli weight lifting team in the 2012 London Games which many are saying he was forced to resign from.

“I am resigning from my position on the team,” Samson said. “I am respecting the wishes of my teammates and will step down as team captain and will not compete in this year’s Olympics."

Samson has been accused of taking steroids for years with many people trying to find direct evidence to convict him.

A few years back the Delilah was hired by the Philistines to find out if Samson was on steroids which began the rumors on the strength coming from his hair.

Delilah befriended Samson and worked undercover trying to find the secret to his strength.

“They suspected steroids from the beginning and were displeased after Samson went on a slaughtering streak through their country,” Delilah said. “Sure some of those people probably deserved Samson’s wrath but some of them were just in the barbarian’s way.”

The Philistines were determined to find steroids in Samson’s possession and paid Delilah in cash.

Delilah came back with various different results, at one pointed citing Samson will lose his power if bound with new ropes or with fresh bowstrings.

“It turns out Samson just really like bondage,” Delilah said. “I hate to say it but I am a sucker for it as well.”

Samson admits he told these lies to Delilah to throw her off the case and to “get some on the side.”

“Some girls believe anything you tell them but Delilah was her own breed of stupid and let’s face it, she enjoyed the whole ropes and bowstring bondage as much as I did,” Samson said.

After months of questioning from Delilah, Samson thought it best to save himself by cutting his hair and getting off the steroids.

“I thought I could blame my sudden lack of strength on my hair now being short,” Samson admitted. Samson recently went back on the HGH but forgot to consider the new drug testing required to compete in the Olympics.

“I got off the roids and was doing alright but I missed being able to carry cars on my back and throwing the brats in my neighborhood over rooftops. Those were the things in life I cherished,” Samson said. "So I decided to give the steroids another go."

Samson said he has no regrets but is not looking forward to the punishment the Olympic officials have determined for him.

“It turns out doing steroids is punishable by stabbing out one’s eyes. That’s going to suck,” Samson said.

Samson is set to have his eyes out sometime next week by Philistines doctors. Samson has stated he plans on immediately lifting weights after the procedure and finding a guide dog.

“I’m hoping for a Rottweiler,” Samson said.   

Some of his fans are hoping for a comeback and feel he has been wrongfully targeted for years.
“People have been after Samson for years. Sure HGH may have been in his system but come on he’s the best weight lifter in his class with or without the roids,” Guns in Babylon wrote on his Twitter page.

Samson is telling his friends to hold tight and keep him in their thoughts and prayers.

“This is not the end for me. I don’t need to see to be able to lift weights,” Samson said. “Don’t worry I’ll be back stronger than ever before you know it.”