Jesus’ teenage love notes found

LIZZIE BIBS

The Ancient Times

photo courtesy of www.knowledgerush.com.

One of Jesus' first love to Sarah notes is displayed up above.
They are set to be released next month.

                                         

We know very little about Jesus’ teenage years but a recent discovery of love notes in an old shoe box is giving insight to Jesus as a hormonal male in ancient times.

The box is painted pink with purple hearts taped to it and the words “Sarah and Jesus Forever” written in Hebrew on the top.

Historians are not sure who this Sarah is but speculate she was the first girl to begin developing in her class.

“We found an old high school year book which indicates Sarah had begun her pubescent development far above and beyond the other girls in her class,” Jerry George, a historian and archeologist at the dig said. “In short let’s just say she had moved beyond the training bra by fifth grade.”

The notes begin with a neatly written note to Jesus from Sarah asking if he thinks the two should date with a, “Yes”, “No” and “Maybe” circle option. Jesus circled “Yes” with a smiley face drawn beneath the circle.

The one thing the notes determine is Jesus was a love struck teenager much like most boys at the age of 14 but with a poetic flare.

“He wrote her many poems about his undying love for her,” George said.

One of the poems reads:

"I see you in the sunset

And in my eyes at night

With the wind you and me

Our love will last past this life

Into eternity

We're better together baby!"

The last poem he sent to Sarah is loosely translated below:

"Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

One day I’ll die on a cross

And it’ll be all for you"

This poem seems to be the one which brought on Sarah and Jesus’ breakup.

Sarah wrote in response to the poem, “What does that mean? You’ll die on a cross?!!! Seriously?!!! What does that mean?!!!!!! I think we should break up.”

Sarah then asks Jesus never to speak to her again.

“It’s clear Sarah was freaked out by the poem and who wouldn’t be? The cross wasn’t a nice symbol at the time and those who were crucified were mostly people condemned by the Romans,” George said. “It’s like telling a girl in today's world you’ll die by lethal injection for her.”

Though even with Sarah clearly wanting a break up, Jesus kept writing her more notes and poems.

“You are my everything. We can work this out baby. Just give me one more chance I promise I will never mention crucifixion again. I know I just mentioned it there again but that’s it. I’m done with it! I promise just come back to me,” Jesus wrote. “We’re better together!”

The next letter dabbles deeper into his depression and the denial of their breakup.

“My mother said I should give you a few more days to cool down. So I will. This will be the last note you’ll get from me, ever. The next move is all you,” Jesus wrote. “But seriously I love you. We should be together forever.”

It appears Jesus waited exactly one week before writing Sarah again.

“It’s been a week since I last wrote you. Where are you? Did my passenger pigeon bring it to the wrong house? Just respond to me so I know you’re alright,” Jesus wrote.

This time Sarah did respond with a letter of her own.

“Look Jesus, I got your letters and enough is enough. Stop wasting your time and mine. Get over it. I’ve moved on and am happily dating Peter. He’s the captain of the Gladiator Team and we’re getting married next month. I’ve moved on so should you,” Sarah wrote.

It was this note which brought Jesus out of his denial of their breakup and his anger began.

“You can really see Jesus go through the grieving stages within these notes as his next series of notes were very hateful and angry,” George said.

Jesus wrote his displeasure of Sarah and Peter.

“Fine date Peter. I hope the lions eat him,” Jesus said.

Jesus wrote more poems during this period riddle with swear words and vengeance. One of his tamer poems reads:

"You said you'd always be there
But now you're nowhere to be found
I can't believe you left me
I feel so low beneath the ground

Die bitch!"

The poem was written on paper with the words, “From the desktop of Jesus Christ” at the top.

“I would say with the amount of letters he wrote the whole relationship lasted around a month and the notes and poems that followed were all written within a six month time period,” George said.

Jesus eventually did move on with his last note reading, “Dearest Sarah, I am sorry for my past actions. I have found a new girl now named Mary (and no it’s not my mother). She is amazing and will love me forever unlike you. Once I ask her out we will have a deeper and more meaningful relationship than you and I ever had."

He goes on to describe Mary in detail using such adjectives as, “smart”, “beautiful”, “nice” and  “perky”.

He ends the letter with these final words, “So you see I’ve moved on and I can only hope you have too. Love, Jesus. P.S. I know you cheated on me with Peter, I will try and forgive you eventually but there are no guarantees.”

Sarah wrote back one more time after this note was received.

“Jesus I’m glad you moved on. Like I said before so have I. I am now pregnant with my first child and if you ever write to me again I will file for a restraining order. You’re beyond creepy and I will never love you. Also I’m sending all of your angry rants back to you. I would burn them but I feel you might find more pleasure in that,” Sarah wrote.

The full transcripts of Jesus and Sarah’s letters are set to be released next month.

“These letters are full of passion, hate and love,” George said. “It just goes to show a teenagers life is turbulent no matter what age, place or time you live in.”

God declares Jews are still his chosen people

LIZZIE BIBBS

Higher Ground Press

God is now making it official; the Jews are his chosen people. Furthermore, God is now proclaiming he is upset with the way Christians portray him.

“You read the Old Testament and I am an all fearing and powerful God and then you get to the New Testament and I get all soft,” God said. “When did I ever say I loved everyone? Jesus was always putting words in my mouth.”

God said he misses the time when people were so fearful of him; they would sacrifice their best lamb and their only virgin daughter for him.

“I know they say they are sacrificing a lamb to show their love but let’s be honest, it was in the fear of if they did not that I would burn down their village. Those where the good old days,” God said. “Where are the personally sacrifices for me? I am not talking about these mental struggles. I am talking about slapping your wife in my name.”

God said he may not show his anger as abruptly as he use to but he is still to be feared.

“In my old age I got tired of destroying whole cities. It was such hard work and in the end if I tore down Sodom or Gomorrah, they built Babylon. No, now I have more power with the afterlife,” God said. “The Christians did get the whole Hell thing right.”

God said when he hears someone using his name in vain or lying, instead of killing a beloved son or burning down their village, he laughs as he thinks of them burning in the eternal Lake of Fire.

“Yes, Hell is such sweet poetic justice,” God said.

God is confused by the Christians portrayal of him as an all loving God who also damns people to Hell.

“They preach about me loving everyone but then they go on about everyone but themselves being Hell bound,” God said. “Under the New Testament’s teaching, I am a Hippie and peace loving being, so how could I damn people to Hell? According to these people I should be welcoming Nazis into the pearly gates with flowers and hugs.”

God said the way Christians speak of him is appalling.

“If they would just stop at me damning everyone to Hell, then we’d have something to talk about but no, they have to make me a damn pussy with all that talk about love,” God said. “Where are the whole chapters about me throwing Pontius Pilot and Romans into the fire pit? If they had just added the book according to Chuck Norris, then those Christians would be saved.”

God claims he never said the Christians were his chosen people for a reason and he holds a special spot for them in Hell.

“It’s in between the gays and the unborn fetuses,” God said. “Yeah unfortunately fetuses are not heaven bound; I can’t spend all eternity with something which barely has a brain and wasn’t baptized.”

God also praises the Jews who are the only religion which keeps holy the Sabbath, held every Saturday not Sunday.

“Heaven is exclusively for the Jews. I know they don’t believe in an afterlife, but it’s kind of an added bonus after a whole life of worshiping me properly,” God said. “Besides I promised them they were my chosen people, I can’t turn my back on them now.”

God said Christians do stand a chance if they put down the, “Hippie crosses” and burn their favorite gerbil in his name.

“You can stop preaching about your all loving and powerful God. All I want is the power,” God said. “And for my sakes, eat a kosher meal once in a while and lay off the shrimp.” 

The Anti-Christ Finds Christ, has denounced his role in the end of the world

LIZZY BIIBS

The News from Below

The anti-Christ has officially resigned himself of his duties as of yesterday afternoon at the tender age of 16.

“I've been saved and have accepted Jesus as my lord and savior,” The anti-Christ (AC) said who for obvious reasons would like to remain anonymous.

The AC said at first he embraced his responsibility reeking havoc on his preschool class and creating a rebellion at his elementary school which involved the hostage of the principal and two administrators.

Just last year the AC got half his high school class to try crystal meth and there is rumor in the afterlife of the AC having a role in the 2010 BP oil spill off the Golf Coast.

Satan had thought for sure he had finally found his protege.

"I thought I couldn't go wrong," Satan said. "Everything was working out so well. I must say this is the earliest retirement I've ever seen."

The AC said finding Jesus has changed his life.

“For years I've been prepped for the end of the world but I've called the horses off,” the AC said. “I really hate the heat so I just don't see how Hell was ever a perfect fit for me to stay for all of eternity. Don't get me wrong I like a little sun but a nice breeze is always welcomed.”

The AC plans on spending the rest of his time on earth feeding the homeless in an undisclosed soup kitchen.

“I kind of like it here. The people are friendly and the food's not all that bad either,” the AC said.

After hearing word of the AC's announcement, Satan had this to say, “It does disappoint me but I still have faith in him after all even Christ himself said he didn't want to die for all humanities sins. Christ came around and so will my son.”

Satan has been trying to talk with the AC but to no avail.

"I really wish the best for Satan. I really do but I must move on now," the AC said. 

Some have said it is proof of God's good nature. God however said he has nothing to do with the transformation.

“As of right now I'm satisfied with the anti-Christ's choice to go on the straight and narrow but I gave everyone the power of freewill angels, demons, humans and yes even the anti-Christ. That's one thing Satan can't take away,” God said. “I can hope he doesn't stray but that's not up to me.”

Satan as of right now has chalk it all up to crazy adolescent hormones.

“You know we've all been there. Those crazy adolescent years,” Satan said. “I created Hell and he has chosen to disown me. I guess we're really one in the same.”

When asked about the end of the world Satan seemed to still hold on to hope.

“Oh it'll happen,” Satan said. “Whether it's this anti-Christ or I bring in my 40th anti-Christ it will happen make no mistake about it.”

Satan said it takes time to plan such a huge event like the apocalypse.

“This isn't like your annual Christmas Party. I've been planning ever since the 20th anniversary of Christ's death. Each one seems so promising but believe me the time will come,” Satan stated.

Satan still sees the possibility of this Anti-Christ bringing home the goods of the end of the world.

“I personally think it could happen tomorrow if the anti-Christ would get some sense knocked into him but then again it might happen two million years from now. Who am I to say,” Satan said.

Satan said if this AC does not pan through he will try again.

“I think next time I might try to plant the next anti-Christ in the Arctic far away from any other life form until he is in his prime,” Satan said. "I've heard the it's to hot in Hell excuse too many times and this is the second time I've lost a son to the homeless.”

Satan said by placing his next AC in the arctic a little heat in the afterlife will be surely welcomed.

God said he has no worries about the end of the world and likes to let the tides flow as they will.

“No matter what, I'll have my TiVo set to Earth,” God said. “I'm really hooked to the network.”