LIZZY BIIBS
The News from Below
The anti-Christ has officially resigned himself of his duties as of yesterday afternoon at the tender age of 16.
“I've been saved and have accepted Jesus as my lord and savior,” The anti-Christ (AC) said who for obvious reasons would like to remain anonymous.
The AC said at first he embraced his responsibility reeking havoc on his preschool class and creating a rebellion at his elementary school which involved the hostage of the principal and two administrators.
Just last year the AC got half his high school class to try crystal meth and there is rumor in the afterlife of the AC having a role in the 2010 BP oil spill off the Golf Coast.
Satan had thought for sure he had finally found his protege.
"I thought I couldn't go wrong," Satan said. "Everything was working out so well. I must say this is the earliest retirement I've ever seen."
The AC said finding Jesus has changed his life.
“For years I've been prepped for the end of the world but I've called the horses off,” the AC said. “I really hate the heat so I just don't see how Hell was ever a perfect fit for me to stay for all of eternity. Don't get me wrong I like a little sun but a nice breeze is always welcomed.”
The AC plans on spending the rest of his time on earth feeding the homeless in an undisclosed soup kitchen.
“I kind of like it here. The people are friendly and the food's not all that bad either,” the AC said.
After hearing word of the AC's announcement, Satan had this to say, “It does disappoint me but I still have faith in him after all even Christ himself said he didn't want to die for all humanities sins. Christ came around and so will my son.”
Satan has been trying to talk with the AC but to no avail.
"I really wish the best for Satan. I really do but I must move on now," the AC said.
Some have said it is proof of God's good nature. God however said he has nothing to do with the transformation.
“As of right now I'm satisfied with the anti-Christ's choice to go on the straight and narrow but I gave everyone the power of freewill angels, demons, humans and yes even the anti-Christ. That's one thing Satan can't take away,” God said. “I can hope he doesn't stray but that's not up to me.”
Satan as of right now has chalk it all up to crazy adolescent hormones.
“You know we've all been there. Those crazy adolescent years,” Satan said. “I created Hell and he has chosen to disown me. I guess we're really one in the same.”
When asked about the end of the world Satan seemed to still hold on to hope.
“Oh it'll happen,” Satan said. “Whether it's this anti-Christ or I bring in my 40th anti-Christ it will happen make no mistake about it.”
Satan said it takes time to plan such a huge event like the apocalypse.
“This isn't like your annual Christmas Party. I've been planning ever since the 20th anniversary of Christ's death. Each one seems so promising but believe me the time will come,” Satan stated.
Satan still sees the possibility of this Anti-Christ bringing home the goods of the end of the world.
“I personally think it could happen tomorrow if the anti-Christ would get some sense knocked into him but then again it might happen two million years from now. Who am I to say,” Satan said.
Satan said if this AC does not pan through he will try again.
“I think next time I might try to plant the next anti-Christ in the Arctic far away from any other life form until he is in his prime,” Satan said. "I've heard the it's to hot in Hell excuse too many times and this is the second time I've lost a son to the homeless.”
Satan said by placing his next AC in the arctic a little heat in the afterlife will be surely welcomed.
God said he has no worries about the end of the world and likes to let the tides flow as they will.
“No matter what, I'll have my TiVo set to Earth,” God said. “I'm really hooked to the network.”
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