Kris Kringle not having a wonderful Christmastime after charged with stalking

Kris Kringle was arrested outside of his North Pole Estate late yesterday morning after a worldwide stalking operation was discovered. 

LIZZIE BIBBS

Holiday Press

Kris Kringle has been arrested outside his North Pole mansion for stalking young children throughout the United States and the world.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) found surveillance videos of over 30 million children and furthermore found spying elves working for Santa in over 10 million houses across The United States, Canada and the United Kingdom.

“The pervert was watching children all day long,” FBI agent, George Stell said. “We found surveillance cameras on children’s book bags, in closets and all through people’s houses. We even found a camera in a first grade classroom in Santa Monica, California”

Stell encourages anyone with a child to search their house for these cameras and even for elves.

“We have no idea the span of his operation but we think there is potential for every child in the world to have some sort of surveillance,” Stell said. “We even found these pint sized elves he calls Buddy spying on children and creeping around people’s houses.”

One of those elves was found in a house belonging to Selma Washington, a mother of two.

“I opened up our cupboard where we keep the cereal when I saw a box of Captain Crunch toppled over and it was moving,” Washington said. “When I took a closer look I saw these skinny little legs peeking out.”

Washington, in a state of panic, screamed which scared the Buddy and he began to run from her.

“I picked up a butcher knife and proceeded after him,” Washington said. “Thought the bugger was fast and he managed to get away.”

Washington is now terrified Buddy will return.

“No one is safe,” Washington said.

Nine year old, Betsy Johnson had a similar experience though it was not with a Buddy elf but rather with Kringle himself.

“I was sleeping when I woke up because it felt like someone was watching me in my sleep,” Johnson said.

Johnson awoke to Kringle staring at her through her window.

“He was in our tree,” Johnson said.

Johnson said once Kringle realized he had been caught, he quickly left the scene without saying a word.

“He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.” Johnson said.

It was Johnson’s description which enabled police to catch Kringle.

“The Johnson girl described Kringle as cheeks like roses, a nose like a cherry,” Stell said. “She also decribed his mouth as droll and drawn up like a bow and the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.”

Johnson also described his girth as a “little round belly that shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.”

Kringle’s public relations manager released this statement.

“Kringle was simply monitoring the children of the world and making lists of who was naughty and nice,” the statement said. “No harm was ever intended or were the tapes to be seen by anyone beyond the walls of his workshop.”

The complete list of boys and girls was found on Kringle’s hard drive.

Stell commented on how amazed he was at Kringle’s organization skills.

“We found list of children with all their good deeds and mean spirited actions described in detail. We’re talking about a full year worth of logs,” Stell said. 

Stell took notice of most children being under the age of 12 with a a few hundred between the ages of 13 to 14 and an even slimmer margin of 15 and above. 

Kringle also seemed to only watch gentile boys and girls.

“The list were quite strange as most the children were Christian and we also found a hand written list in his desk labeled ‘Jewish’,” Stell said. “However these children were not differentiated from naughty and nice.”

Stell warns all parents to keep an eye on their children this season as although the cameras have been disabled, many more Buddy elves may be on the loose.

“I warn everyone out there Kris Kringle’s mob is coming to town and they sees when you are sleeping and knows when you’re awake,” Stell said. “We caught the head honcho but the extent of his operation has yet to be seen.”

Kringle is set to be arraigned later this week.

“I’ve seen many stalkers in my day but this guy takes stalking to a whole new level,” Stell concluded. “I’m just glad this man is off our streets.”

Pope gives new manger scene regulations

LIZZIE BIBBS

Vatican Chronicle

After Pope Benedict XVI’s spoke out against animals being placed in manger scenes a few weeks ago, Benedict is now preparing to hand pamphlets out to Catholic Churches worldwide, on how the manger should be set up.

“The Bible does not say that animals were present at the birth of Jesus,” Benedict said. “There were no cattle or horses. The donkey Mary and Joseph rode in was placed outside. Nobody wants a jackass near them during labor.”

Some have wondered what happened to the animals of the patrons at the inn.

courtesy of www.commons.wikimedia.org
The animals in this manger scene is just the beginning of errors according to 
Pope Benedict XVI.

"God kicked them out," Benedict said. "God had to make room for his son. Besides it's not like animals have souls or anything."

The pope goes further and says all reminisce of snow should also be removed.

“Bethlehem sits on the edge of the Judean Desert. You should place your manger in sand,” Benedict said.

Also Benedict commented on manger scene hay being too clean. Even if Jesus was an easy birth, Mary would have bled.

“She was a virgin giving birth. I may not know too much about the process of giving birth but I do know blood and afterbirth is involved,” Benedict said. “I’ve seen a few movies in my time. It’s never a pretty scene.”

In response to this issue, Vatican will be selling blessed fake blood and bits of placenta to place on the hay of any home, public or church manger scene.

“The splatter of blood and placenta will really bring authenticity to your manger and to Christmas this year,” Benedict said. “Also it should be only blessed blood placed in the manger since it will be the blood of the Blessed Virgin.”

Another major flaw on traditional mangers is most having a whole wall that has been removed. The pope is particularly upset with this as most mangers have four walls not three and an opening.

“They would have been freezing,” Benedict said. “No way did the manger only have three walls. For one thing it would not have been structurally sound and who would place their animal in a three walled building overnight? No one with a brain that’s for sure.”

Finally the pope pointed out there should be no wise men in your manger until at least twelve days after Christmas.

“The wise men were late,” Benedict said. “Doesn’t anyone read their bibles anymore? They should not be in the scene for Christmas.”

Benedict said they can be across the room from the home manger scene or in another area of the park or church or wherever else the manger might be placed but under no circumstance should they appear by Jesus until January 6.

“It’s all about the details,” Benedict said. “How can you truly honor what Christmas is all about if you have all the facts and details wrong in your manger scene?”

Benedict also has a beef with many Christmas carols and will be releasing another pamphlet next week detailing which songs should be left out of your Christmas celebrations.

“There was no drummer boy at the scene of Jesus Christ’s brith,” Benedict said. “No one invites a drummer to see a newborn baby. What are we trying to do scare the son of God mere minutes after birth? He’ll be scared enough in about another 33 years or so.”