God declares Jews are still his chosen people

LIZZIE BIBBS

Higher Ground Press

God is now making it official; the Jews are his chosen people. Furthermore, God is now proclaiming he is upset with the way Christians portray him.

“You read the Old Testament and I am an all fearing and powerful God and then you get to the New Testament and I get all soft,” God said. “When did I ever say I loved everyone? Jesus was always putting words in my mouth.”

God said he misses the time when people were so fearful of him; they would sacrifice their best lamb and their only virgin daughter for him.

“I know they say they are sacrificing a lamb to show their love but let’s be honest, it was in the fear of if they did not that I would burn down their village. Those where the good old days,” God said. “Where are the personally sacrifices for me? I am not talking about these mental struggles. I am talking about slapping your wife in my name.”

God said he may not show his anger as abruptly as he use to but he is still to be feared.

“In my old age I got tired of destroying whole cities. It was such hard work and in the end if I tore down Sodom or Gomorrah, they built Babylon. No, now I have more power with the afterlife,” God said. “The Christians did get the whole Hell thing right.”

God said when he hears someone using his name in vain or lying, instead of killing a beloved son or burning down their village, he laughs as he thinks of them burning in the eternal Lake of Fire.

“Yes, Hell is such sweet poetic justice,” God said.

God is confused by the Christians portrayal of him as an all loving God who also damns people to Hell.

“They preach about me loving everyone but then they go on about everyone but themselves being Hell bound,” God said. “Under the New Testament’s teaching, I am a Hippie and peace loving being, so how could I damn people to Hell? According to these people I should be welcoming Nazis into the pearly gates with flowers and hugs.”

God said the way Christians speak of him is appalling.

“If they would just stop at me damning everyone to Hell, then we’d have something to talk about but no, they have to make me a damn pussy with all that talk about love,” God said. “Where are the whole chapters about me throwing Pontius Pilot and Romans into the fire pit? If they had just added the book according to Chuck Norris, then those Christians would be saved.”

God claims he never said the Christians were his chosen people for a reason and he holds a special spot for them in Hell.

“It’s in between the gays and the unborn fetuses,” God said. “Yeah unfortunately fetuses are not heaven bound; I can’t spend all eternity with something which barely has a brain and wasn’t baptized.”

God also praises the Jews who are the only religion which keeps holy the Sabbath, held every Saturday not Sunday.

“Heaven is exclusively for the Jews. I know they don’t believe in an afterlife, but it’s kind of an added bonus after a whole life of worshiping me properly,” God said. “Besides I promised them they were my chosen people, I can’t turn my back on them now.”

God said Christians do stand a chance if they put down the, “Hippie crosses” and burn their favorite gerbil in his name.

“You can stop preaching about your all loving and powerful God. All I want is the power,” God said. “And for my sakes, eat a kosher meal once in a while and lay off the shrimp.” 

Samson tests positive for steroids

LIZZIE BIBBS

B.C. Olympic News

Getty

Samson has now tested positive for steroids after years of claiming his strength came from his hair.

After years of speculation Samson admits he indeed did take steroids and his hair was only a fabricated lie he created to cover his tracks.

“Yes, it is true I have taken HGH,” Samson said. “It wasn’t the hair at all and I send my sincere apologies for any kind of pain or grief my actions might have caused.”

Samson for years said his strength came from his long locks of brown hair but the HGH was found in Samson’s system after he was required to take a drug test during the Olympic Trials.

Samson was supposed to compete with the Israeli weight lifting team in the 2012 London Games which many are saying he was forced to resign from.

“I am resigning from my position on the team,” Samson said. “I am respecting the wishes of my teammates and will step down as team captain and will not compete in this year’s Olympics."

Samson has been accused of taking steroids for years with many people trying to find direct evidence to convict him.

A few years back the Delilah was hired by the Philistines to find out if Samson was on steroids which began the rumors on the strength coming from his hair.

Delilah befriended Samson and worked undercover trying to find the secret to his strength.

“They suspected steroids from the beginning and were displeased after Samson went on a slaughtering streak through their country,” Delilah said. “Sure some of those people probably deserved Samson’s wrath but some of them were just in the barbarian’s way.”

The Philistines were determined to find steroids in Samson’s possession and paid Delilah in cash.

Delilah came back with various different results, at one pointed citing Samson will lose his power if bound with new ropes or with fresh bowstrings.

“It turns out Samson just really like bondage,” Delilah said. “I hate to say it but I am a sucker for it as well.”

Samson admits he told these lies to Delilah to throw her off the case and to “get some on the side.”

“Some girls believe anything you tell them but Delilah was her own breed of stupid and let’s face it, she enjoyed the whole ropes and bowstring bondage as much as I did,” Samson said.

After months of questioning from Delilah, Samson thought it best to save himself by cutting his hair and getting off the steroids.

“I thought I could blame my sudden lack of strength on my hair now being short,” Samson admitted. Samson recently went back on the HGH but forgot to consider the new drug testing required to compete in the Olympics.

“I got off the roids and was doing alright but I missed being able to carry cars on my back and throwing the brats in my neighborhood over rooftops. Those were the things in life I cherished,” Samson said. "So I decided to give the steroids another go."

Samson said he has no regrets but is not looking forward to the punishment the Olympic officials have determined for him.

“It turns out doing steroids is punishable by stabbing out one’s eyes. That’s going to suck,” Samson said.

Samson is set to have his eyes out sometime next week by Philistines doctors. Samson has stated he plans on immediately lifting weights after the procedure and finding a guide dog.

“I’m hoping for a Rottweiler,” Samson said.   

Some of his fans are hoping for a comeback and feel he has been wrongfully targeted for years.
“People have been after Samson for years. Sure HGH may have been in his system but come on he’s the best weight lifter in his class with or without the roids,” Guns in Babylon wrote on his Twitter page.

Samson is telling his friends to hold tight and keep him in their thoughts and prayers.

“This is not the end for me. I don’t need to see to be able to lift weights,” Samson said. “Don’t worry I’ll be back stronger than ever before you know it.”

Adam and Eve file for divorce

(From left to right) Eve and Adam during their days in the Garden of Eden.

LIZZIE BIBBS

News from Above Reporter

At around 10 a.m. today Adam and Eve announced their divorce on the steps outside of heaven.

“We were a match made in heaven but I guess even heaven can only last so long,” Eve said. "With a man like Adam, heaven is about as long as it takes to eat an apple."

Both of their lawyers were present with Michael the Arch Angel representing Adam and Jonah of Arch representing Eve.

Adam and Eve are the longest known couple, being together since the beginning of time and are more commonly known for the mishap in the Garden of Eden.

The grounds for their divorce are “irreconcilable differences,” according to Heaven County Court documents.

“We gave it a try but no matter how many years went by Adam still blamed me for us being banished from the Garden of Eden,” Eve said. “Get over it. Maybe if someone had bothered to tell me not to eat the fruit, it would be a different story.”

Adam said he has done a lot for Eve and is tired of his charity and efforts going unnoticed.

“How’s that rib working for you Eve?” Adam asked.

As far as not telling Eve of the no eating of fruit from the Tree of Life Policy, Adam says she never asked.

“If a snake you’ve never seen before and by the way is talking to you, suggests eating from the tree why not ask me about it first?” Adam stated. “I wish I had given her half of my brain.”

Adam does admit he too ate the fruit but said it was due to the peer pressure.

“Look I’m sorry I took the fruit but she had the first bite and she said she could see things in a new light,” Adam said. “The way she was looking at me, I wanted to see her like that.”

Adam only wishes he still could still see Eve like he did after his first bite.

“If her boobs were still that perky, I think we could have made it,” Adam said.

Even Eve admits the first bite of fruit opened her eyes to a new world.

“He was packing,” Eve said. “Man was he packing.”

Though Eve said she grew tired of Adam’s whining and constant complaining about no longer being in the Garden of Eden.

“I don’t know what he’s complaining about,” Eve said. “So he now has to work in the fields. I’m the one shoving babies out without the aid of a pain killer. Let’s see him birth a baby. Then he can complain.”
Eve is tired of feeling guilty and is ready to move on with her life.

“It’s that damn Catholic guilt Adam keeps ramming me with. Every time a woman screams while in labor, he suggests I write an apology letter to her,” Eve said. "Perhaps he should write an apology letter to the blue collar workers of the world."

Eve is done with primitive men for now.

“Adam, being the first man has a lot of flaws. He was completely lost on the whole deodorant thing,” Eve said.  “Today I am announcing my relationship with Sarah, wife of Abraham. She smells really pretty.”

Adam was not shocked to hear of Eve’s new found love and said he too is moving on.

“I met Mary Magdalene at the Bible Class reunion and man is she a card,” Adam said. “I gave her my digits and we’ve been on a few dates.”
Adam said Mary is not like Eve at all.

“She’s a lady,” Adam said. “She has new traditions and customs that I wasn’t even aware of. For instance after every date, I give her a $50. Eve never made me give her money. I feel as if I am a modern man now.”

Adam and Eve’s assets have yet to be divided but it speculated Eve will get full custody of Cain and Abel.

Titanic tribute ship shows off its top-notch third class treatment

BY LIZZIE BIBBS
RMS Times

While first class passengers aboard the MS Balmoral, enjoyed caviar and five course meals similar to the ones served during the fatal Titanic’s maiden and only voyage, third class passengers had their own equally worthy meals for peons, kidney pie and fricassee rabbit.
The MS Balmoral sailed from Liverpool on April 12, tracking the Titanic exact route as a memorial for the 100th anniversary of the ship's sinking which killed between 1,490 and 1,635 people. 

"What better way to commemorate the anniversary of a ship who yields about a 32 percent survival rating than to track its footsteps?" Captain John Fry asked. "This time though, we're planning on making it all the way to New York and if not we have enough life boats for at the very least the first and half of the second class passengers."

The Balmoral went the extra mile by separating their passengers into first, second and third class living quarters and also requiring all third class passengers to go through a health inspection before boarding the vessel.

"We don't want a lice infestation leaking into the second or first class cabins," Fry said. 

The third class passengers received moderately good care which is more than most immigrants and the poor are use to.
“I can’t believe they actually fed us,” Penelope Kidder, a third class passenger said. “That was a really nice surprise.”
The third class passengers said the facilities were amazing considering they were given beds and did not have to sleep on the floor.
The rooms also featured electric lighting and a water basin for washing instead of a small bucket filled with cold water.
“I could not believe as a third class passenger, I was given a room and not just locked down in steerage without light,” Kidder said. “It’s a real honor to be able to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Titanic’s sinking in such style.”
The first and second class passengers were just glad they were not forced to mingle with the dirty immigrants.
“It’s like they’re not even on the ship,” Renee Fielder, a first class passenger said. “It’s also a comfort to know someone is keeping the rats company and away from the first class cabins.”
Third class passengers said the rats were high quality vermin and not carriers of cholera or eosinophilic meningitis.
There were however some reports of third class passengers catching typhus but ship medics said it is unclear if the small outbreak was from the rodents or from the passengers' general grubbiness.
“It’s hard to tell where the typhus came from. You could say it was from the rats but in the end who is dirtier the third class or the rats?” Gregory June, the head doctor on Balmoral asked. “It’s a tough call.”
Even the Balmoral’s sick passengers still seem to be pleased with the service of the ship.
“I can’t believe I actually got seen by a doctor,” Selma McDerman said. “To top it off the third class’ medical office only had a few blood stains on the mattresses which I was told were old as they were bought used.”
Many third passengers also enjoyed the gates where they could see the halls leading to the nicer first and second class areas.
“Even if I couldn't reach them I could at least see something. Other ships would just have locked doors,” Kidder said.
Third class passengers even had outdoor privileges on the same deck where the first and second class dogs were aloud to wander.
All third class passengers sailed in the styles of 1912 with women in plain and homely dresses and men in their stained long johns and khaki colored paints held on by suspenders.
“I thought some third class passengers might have had a suit even if it was older and worn but after watching James Cameron’s Titanic, it was clear to me there was only one way a third class man dressed,” George Seaman said.
When it came time to commemorate the Titanic’s sinking at around 2:20 a.m. on April 15 all the first and second class passengers were called on deck for a moment of silence as they dropped several flower-filled wreathes into the waters. The third class passengers were told they would have their chance after the first and second class were taken care of.
“When we finally got up to deck, it was about an hour later and we dropped bread crumbs into the water,” Kidder said. “Also we didn’t get exactly a moment of silence as the first class passengers were drinking and partying in the ballroom but it was close enough.”
All third class passengers said they felt they were treated above normal.
“I could not have asked for better treatment as a third class passenger,” Kidder said. “The Balmoral made me feel as if there was a lower fourth class hidden somewhere beneath the ship.”

Jesus is proclaimed lord of hide-and-seek

BY LIZZIE BIBBS
International Hide-and-Seek Chronical

The International Hide-and-Seek Organization (IHSO) is awarding Jesus with an honor for his hide-and-seek skills.
"If we can find him, we will be awarding Jesus with the Champion of Hide-and-Seek plaque and crown," George McFollin, president of IHSO said. "I mean this guy really is the master and lord of hide-and-seek. My four year old wishes she had his mad skills."
Jesus is being called by many, the "master of hide-and-seek." Stories about finding Jesus have been sweeping the internet and have been heard inside churches for years.

An image of what is engraved on the plaque Jesus will be receiving
for his "mad skills" of hide-and-seek.

David Brown, a 20 year old going to the University of Miami claims he found Jesus as he was about to take a shower in his fraternity house before his morning class.
"I pulled back the curtain and this man was standing there as I am standing there with my bare ass to the wind and I screamed," Brown said. "Jesus grinned at me and he said, 'You found me'."
Brown said he stood there in shock as Jesus "giggled like a sorority girl." It was then that Jesus ran into the kitchen and began counting.
"He said it was my turn to hide now," Brown said. "I heard him counting in the kitchen and I just thought maybe I wasn't quite over my acid trip but when I came out of the bathroom a half an hour later he was waiting for me."
Jesus stood outside the bathroom door and waited for the door to open. According to Brown when he opened the door Jesus said he was a horrible hider.
"He said 'Wow you're an easy find. Well you're it now.' He then ran down the hall and I haven't seen him since," Brown said.
Brown said several of his fraternity's alumni have reported finding Jesus after they graduated college.
"I've heard legends of Jesus playing hide-and-seek but now I am a true believer," Brown said.
Brown is not the only one reporting to find Jesus during a game of hide-and-seek. Jesus is appearing worldwide hiding behind trees, cardboard boxes and underneath blankets at homeless shelters.
Sightings are being reported from such places as London, England,  New York City and Beijing, China.
Alena Muroch, 54 years old from Moscow, Russia, said she found Jesus underneath a pile of dirty laundry.
"I was picking up my laundry off my bedroom floor when I grab what I thought was my white sheet, turns out it was Jesus' robe," Muroch said.
Muroch said Jesus jumped up in the same excitement and happy demeanor as when Brown found him.
"He kept saying 'You found me. You found me.'," Muroch said. "I was shocked and I must admit a little confused. I had no idea I was playing the game. It's not everyday you find Jesus."
Muroch said Jesus soon found her hanging laundry in the basement about an hour later.
"Jesus looked at me with his deep brown eyes and said, 'You call this hiding?' He then said I was 'it' and left," Muroch said.
Harold Brock, once a New York City homeless man who now runs a McDonald's franchise outside the city, found Jesus in a dumpster outside of Luigi's Pizza Shop.
"I was looking for scraps of food when Jesus sprang up from underneath a pile of empty pizza boxes. He said, 'I found you' and I have to admit it scared me," Brock said. "At first I thought he was going to call the police and I began to ran."
Brock said he thought perhaps it was Luigi himself cracking down on the homeless behind his shop.
Brock claims Jesus yelled after him, "That's right it's your turn to hide but don't worry I'll find you. The finding part is what I'm good at."
Brock ran to the Sacred Heart Homeless Shelter, where he decided to get a bite to eat and gather what had just happened to him.
"I thought about who had jumped out at me and I knew it wasn't the owner of the shop," Brock said. "Then I thought about his clothes, a white robe with a red sash coming down his right shoulder and that's when it hit me, I found Jesus."
Brock said it did not take long to confirm his discovery as there was a picture of Jesus painted on the shelter's walls and the painting was uncanny to the man he saw underneath the pizza boxes.
"Jesus then found me later that night as I was sleeping," Brock said. "I opened up my eyes and saw him looking down on me with that crazy grin of his."
Jesus told Brock he was now "it" again and then summed up his search for Brock as the "hardest bugger to find yet."
According to Brock Jesus was very impressed with his hiding skills.
"As Jesus was leaving he said I'll have to save you for another day," Brock said. "So I guess Jesus saved me."
Brock said he has not seen Jesus since but he did manage to find a job through the homeless shelter and eventually found a job at a McDonalds where he rose to the top.
"You know, being homeless and all, I've seen some crazy shit in my lifetime but nothing quite tops my game of hide-and-seek with Jesus," Brock said. "I found Jesus and didn't even know I was looking. Now that's a champ."

God says it's not global warming, it's menopause

A picture Earth taken from NASA's Hasselblad Camera. Although Earth my look normal, God says her inner hormones are going haywire as she enters menopause.

BY LIZZIE BIBBS
The Light Years New Herald

God has released a statement declaring scientist are wrong about global warming and claims the earth is simply going through menopause.
"Those weird change in weather patterns, those are merely hot flashes and mood swings," God said.
God said although the menopause is unpleasant and could be a game changer in the world's climate, he still sees earth's adolescent stage as the epitome of out of control.
"You could not pay me to relive those days," God said. "Every month another volcano erupted and earthquakes were started just by looking at her the wrong way."
God said there was even a long lasting argument between the earth and sun which caused the ice age.
"The sun just couldn't put up with the earth's immatureness. He shined on the earth but only at a safe and far distance," God said.
God said at least the Earth is dealing with her menopause in somewhat of a more mature manner.
"As of right now, nothing has gone extinct," God said. "Those poor dinosaurs. I really like the brutes. They were quite entertaining."
Earth refused to comment on her menopause but God said that is to be expected.
"She really has always been rather shy and when it comes to something this personal, you'd be more successful making Pluto a planet again," God said.
Although God is concerned with the way Earth is dealing with her menopause.
"I thought after the industrial revolution I was sure she was done with her chain smoking," God said.
It appears not only is Earth refusing to take mood altering hormones, she is also back to inhaling the Carbon Dioxide.
"Don't get me wrong, Earth has never fully given up smoking but she was down to a pack a day at one point," God said.
God said she really hit rock bottom when Mars went through a mid-life crisis and broke off their 5,679 year marriage last month.
"Her precipitation has gone up. She just cannot stop crying," God said. "She's been watching Steel Magnolias and eating whole boxes of chocolate for two weeks straight."
God claims Mars and Earth have had a pretty rocky relationship.
"They've been on again off again since the Cretaceous Period," God said. "They should have never gotten married."
Mars said he was tired of Earth and her constant complaining.
"She kept on telling me she misses the Mars that had water," Mars said. "Well I gave up the water gig millenniums ago honey. Sorry I got sick and tired of pesticides growing on me and leaching off of every resource I had."
Mars said he is no longer on the same page as Earth and he says although God believes it is the menopause, he has another theory.
"She's been nuts for years," Mars said. "That broad has been on the brink of a mental breakdown ever since Rome was defeated but you know what? I stuck with her but enough is enough sweetheart."
Mars is rumored to be currently dating the Black Hole but nothing has been confirmed.
"Am I dating? That's for me to know and for Earth not to find out," Mars said. "The last time she caught me cheating, Pangaea split. I hate to be the reason for L.A. sinking or the Rockies finally erupting."
God said Earth will move on but until then he is trying to convince her to take some "much needed hormones and anti-depressants."
Earth keeps telling God she his healing through natural remedies but God is skeptical whether her route is even natural or just an excuse to be lazy and unresponsive.
"Earth keeps on talking about taking the natural route to curing her menopause and depression. I don't call cigarettes and a tub of Ben and Jerry's natural but whatever," God said. "I guess she'll heal in her own time as for those who inhabit her, perhaps you'll have better luck than the dinosaurs."

Mary of Nazareth asks for restitution from deadbeat dad

LIZZIE BIBBS
The A.D. Times

Mary of Nazareth is suing God for years of unpaid child support. Mary claims she birthed and raised God's only son, Jesus with not even so much as a thank you.
"For 30 years, Jesus has lived under my roof, eaten my food and has been clothed by me and all without the support of his deadbeat dad," Mary said.
The Court of Nazareth said God only owes Mary 14 years of backed up child support not the 30 she was striving to receive.
"It is clear God owes Mary some sort of reimbursement but under law it would only be for the first 14 years of life because after that Jesus is now an adult and should be married to virgin bride instead of sucking his mother of her assets," The Honorable Judge Gregory of Bethlehem said.
Upon hearing of Gregory's ruling God fully objected.
"I gave her a gift damn it, God's only son. Where's my thank you?" God said. "It was a painless birth and as for me saying thank you, I'm pretty sure eternal salvage is pretty big ass thank you."
God said Mary is ungrateful for everything he has ever done for her.
"I chose her because I thought she would be a submissive mother," God said. "No wonder [Mary's husband] Joseph checked out early. If I could die, my heart attack would have come years ago."
Mary said she thinks God is over reacting and has never fully appreciate her sacrifice.
"I'm ungrateful? Give me a break my precious Lord," Mary said. "How would you like an angel telling your virgin self she is going to pop out a kid. I didn't even get to have any fun before giving birth. Waking up pregnant; how's that for fair?"
Mary said he could have at least given her a taste of the conception.
Furthermore Mary said her body has never fully healed after the birth of Jesus.
"It might have been a painless birth but let me tell you it wasn't exactly a picnic giving birth to Jesus," Mary said. "Painless? Yes. Comfortable? You should ask the shepherds and all the pilate in the world would never put my stomach back to the way it used to be."
Mary is asking for full restitution from the damage the pregnancy did to her body.
Mary said she was also never given full instruction on how to raise Jesus to be the son of God.
"Lets not forget the years of cultivating Jesus to be a carpenter and then he decides he'd rather talk to large crowds on a mountain top and walk on water," Mary said. "I did not want to raise a politician."
Mary said Joseph spent hours trying to teach Jesus to make cabinets and tables.
"I love my son but the whole carpenter lifestyle was just too much for him," Mary said. "He came home with broken thumbs numerous times. The kid just could not use a hammer and did I ever see a penny for hospital bills from his father? I think not."
God said he was always watching his son and he thought that was good enough.
"I was there in spirit. Give me a break I have a whole world to run here," God said. "He had Joseph for Christ sakes!"
Mary said we all have issues and business to deal with but it is not an excuse to leave your son without knowing his true father.
"It's an identity crisis," Mary said. "Every time I hear God gripe I feel like playing him the song 'Cat's Cradle.' In the end like father, like son they both eventually abandoned me but at least Jesus could keep his hands to himself."
Judge Gregory has not released the full amount God owes Mary but an amount is to be calculated and revealed to God sometime next week.