Dead Sea Ultrasound reveals Jesus had a twin

LIZZIE BIBBS

Dead Sea Times

Jesus revealed today he was indeed a twin during his fetal stages after an image of Mary’s first ultrasound was found in Egypt.

“According to early ultrasounds, I was supposed to have a fraternal twin sister but half way through the pregnancy she was no longer,” Jesus said in a statement to the press.

The image of the twins was found by three Egyptians farmers as they were tilling their soil and is now being deemed the “Dead Sea Ultrasound”.

God admits he was hiding the ultrasound as it is a part of his past he wished to remain a secret and he had ordered the image destroyed.

“I told those monks to destroy it but I guess you never can trust a liberal to keep your lies a secret,” God said. “They always have a way of undermining authority.”

The Dead Sea Ultrasound was found by Egyptian farmers and God has confirmed Jesus was indeed at one time a twin.

Doctors have yet to determine the cause of Jesus’ sister’s early termination but say poor diet might have played a roll.

Jesus tells another story.

“Let’s face it there could only be one of us,” Jesus said. “I won.”

Jesus says his sister’s existence was cut short after a battle during prenatal stages.

“On my father’s requests, I disposed of her before she could take to life,” Jesus said.

God later confirmed Jesus’ statements.

“My initial thought was to have Mary give birth to both my son and daughter and have a tag team type revival,” God said. “Jesus would perform the miracles and my daughter would get me a nice dowry on which I would fix the roof of my house and buy an upstanding donkey and use the rest to start the building of the Vatican.”

God had made plans with Lucifer to marry his daughter at the ripe age of 14 but later rethought his whole plan.

 “Then I came to my senses. Let’s face it, the money would be nice but having a daughter would totally ruin my credibility,” God said. “There’s no way these loins would let an X chromosome slip out.”
God said his daughter’s life would have jeopardized the whole future of Christianity so he decided she must go.

“I was kind of in a catch 22 situation. I had already sacrificed two of my sperms to create these twins and those don’t come easy,” God said. “I couldn’t just terminate the pregnancy so I appeared to fetus Jesus in several dreams.”

God gave Jesus details on how to defeat his sister before she developed any further.

“She proved to be quite hard to kill. I was initially given detailed instructions on how to create a noose with her umbilical cord,” Jesus said. “This was our first failure.”

Jesus said he performed the deed while they were having a tea party.

“It was on April 2 a glorious Tuesday morning,” Jesus said. “Juanita, I named her Juanita, was seeping water through the imaginary tea bags and I was in action.”

Juanita had asked Jesus what he was doing as she could feel the tension on her cord. Jesus said he was adjusting her cord because “it had gotten tangled in the intestines.”

Juanita carried on her womanly duties without another thought to Jesus.

“Oh she was so gullible,” Jesus said. “She gave me my teacup and I told her it needed more sugar and as she turned to get the sugar off the top imaginary cupboard, I slipped the cord around her neck and gave a nice hard tug. She started laughing.”

Juanita had thought Jesus was making a nice gesture in making her a necklace.       

“She called me silly and said necklace are never supposed to be that tight,” Jesus said.

Jesus said he kept trying to pull harder on the noose but it only made her go into a fit of laughter.

“I pulled so hard on that thing but in that fetal stage we really didn’t have much of necks,” Jesus said. “Also my nubs of fingers really weren’t getting a nice enough grip.”

A second plan took place where Jesus tried to beat her death but their ill formed feet and fingers were not equipped for a proper beating.

“The third time is the charm as they say,” Jesus said. “In the end I had to eat her. She was always a deep sleeper and her placenta gave me the softest skin. It was an excellent exfoliator.”

Jesus believes some of his later powers came from Juanita.

“The fact that my first miracle was turning water to wine shows some of her feminine side coming through,” Jesus said. “If it had been a masculine miracle I would have turned the water to scotch and really gotten the party going.”

Mary stated Jesus was enough of divine intervention for any women.

“I can’t believe he wanted me to birth twins,” Mary said. “Really you knock up a virgin and expect her to push out twins on her first try. Let’s be realistic.”

God said Juanita was an unfortunate glitch in his plan for Jesus.

“The idea of spreading my seed across twins seemed quite manly at the time but once I actually thought about it, I knew what I had to do,” God said. “There isn’t a day I look back.”