Oscar the Grouch speaks of Big Bird in China

LIZZIE BIBBS

Sesame Street Journal

In 1983, Big Bird never knew his diplomatic trip to China would come back to haunt him.

During Tuesday’s presidential debate, Mitt Romney said he would cut funds to PBS in order to stop drawing funds from China.

“I’m not going to keep spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for it,” Romney said.

Now Big Bird is forced to explain his dealing with the Chinese in the 1980s and just what was he doing on the Great Wall with a little Chinese girl.

Oscar the Grouch is now releasing the footage of Big Bird in China as a way to try and save his job.

Big Bird is seen here on the Great Wall of China in 1983.

“Romney is trying to cut ties with China and we have footage of Big Bird in China shaking hands  and dancing with a monkey king and talking to Chinese schoolchildren,” Grouch said.  “It’s no wonder he’s threatening to take our jobs away.”

Grouch believes Big Bird was making deals with the Chinese in order to fund his national syndicated television show, Sesame Street.

“I don’t have proof of Big Bird’s dealing but how else can you explain our longevity? I never thought the show would last more than two episodes,” Grouch said. “I mean really what do we do? We yell out numbers and letters all damn day. Well here’s a letter of the day for you Big Bird, E for eviction.”

Grouch is also accusing Big Bird of having communistic ties.

“He may not be a red bird, but Big Bird is definitely a communist,” Grouch said.

Grouch said Big Bird went to China in order to fund their regular scheduled program.

“There’s no way we could compete once cable got into the picture,” Brust said. “We needed Chinese funding to keep us in the ratings.”

Grouch has footage of Big Bird traveling throughout the Asian countryside and has released it to the media.

Big Bird released a statement earlier this afternoon saying his trip to China was purely educational and the footage of him in China has been available for years.

“I haven’t been hiding anything,” Big Bird said. “That footage was shown on the television right after I made the trip.”

Grouch says the footage has been altered and edited and he would like an untouched copy.

“That bird is hiding something,” Grouch said.

In the footage, Big Bird is seen learning Chinese and going to Chinese public school.

It seems everyone on Sesame Street was in favor or Big Bird’s trip to China except for Grouch.

“Take my advice don’t eat the rice,” Grouch told Big Bird before he left.

Grouch did not trust the Chinese and did not want to be stuck in any deals with the country.

“I told that dumb bird not to go,” Grouch said. “All I have is a trashcan and I might not even have that if this Romney guy gets elected. Thanks a lot Big Bird.”

Grouch said he is now in survivor mode and it is every muppet for themselves.

“All I want is to ensure I won’t have to go looking for a new trashcan anytime in the near future,” Grouch said. “Go ahead cancel the show but leave my can alone.”

Big Bird said he thinks every culture should be respected and his trip was a way to bridge a gap between China and the United States.

“It’s all communist talk,” Grouch said. “Can you ever really trust a bird of that size? It’s unnatural. Fire the bird keep the guy in the trashcan.”

Clint Eastwood talks to inanimate objects at RNC; doctor apologizes

photo courtesy of Getty

Clint Eastwood addresses a chair he believes to be President Obama .

LIZZIE BIBBS

Hollywood Vindicator

Clint Eastwood’s doctor apologized after subscribing him the wrong medication which caused him to hallucinate President Barack Obama during his speech at the Republican National Convention.

In fact Eastwood was talking to an empty chair.

“I was so surprise Obama agreed to come on stage with me,” Eastwood said after making his speech.

Eastwood stood in front of millions across the nation and held a full conversation with the chair he thought was seated with Obama.

Some at the convention  saw the act as a joke.

“I just thought what a character,” Josie Monaray, from Augusta, Georgia, said. “I was laughing during most of his speech.”

Others saw the true madness of Eastwood’s nature.

“I whispered to my wife, I think he’s having a psychotic episode,” John Frohn, a doctor himself from Houston, Texas, said. “She whispered back to me, ‘No honey. He’s old. It’s Alzheimer’s’.”

Robert Yessy, Eastwood’s doctor was embarrassed as he realized his mistake.

“I wrote the wrong prescription. I will take the blame for what occurred at the RNC. I am ashamed,” Yessy said.

According to Yessy, he was trying experimental medications on Eastwood, many which have work but this past time around; his pen got the better of him as his handwriting was misread by a pharmacist.

“I cannot tell you the exact medication which was subscribed but I have later found the pharmacist mistook my T for a K and my E for A that made all the difference,”Yessy said.  “I’ve been trying to get his psychosis under control for years and as he got on that stage, he had crazy beaming from his eyes. I just thought, oh no.”

Before going on stage there were reports of Eastwood yelling at people backstage.

“He grabbed my shirt and pulled me close to his face and asked me if I was a democratic spy,” Brandon VanHuet said. “He called me a punk, threw me to the ground and kicked me. I feared for my life.”

Eastwood thought a group of men at the sound booth were a part of Obama’s secret service.

“He asked me how it felt to be protecting a man who is destroying our country,” Tim Gundy said. “I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about and he said, ‘Oh you’re a liberal? Well Mr. Secret Service Boy it’s nice to know some democrats have balls.’ I was highly confused and he just stared me down and then walked away.”

Gus Furgan, a backstage crewmember reported seeing Eastwood speaking to tables, chairs and even at one point the curtain.

“There was a point he took the curtain and said wow you look mighty good in red Mrs. Romney,” Furgan said. “After that he was talking with Hilary Clinton for at least 15 minutes.”

According to Furgan, Clinton was actually a broom.

“I’ve never seen anyone manhandle a broom like that,” Furgan said. “He took her to a back closet and I didn’t see him for the rest of the night.”

David Gregory was the one who found Eastwood a few hours later.

“I opened the closet door and found Mr. Eastwood only in his boxers,” Gregory said. “Wow now that was a surprise.”

Eastwood apparently with squinting eyes and a cigarette in his mouth began quoting old movie lines, some of which were from characters he portrayed and others were not.

“He said, ‘Go ahead make my day’,” Gregory said. “Then he looked at a broom which was on the ground, picked up his clothes and said. ‘Here’s looking at you kid’.”

Yessy who had been looking for Eastwood for over five hours, was notified as Eastwood sat backstage talking with an empty beer bottle or Condoleezza Rice as he would call it.

“Luckily he was pleased with that empty bottle of Coors,” Gregory said. “He really took a liking to that bottle. I would say, that must be his beer of choice.”

The United Kingdom admits to wrongful introducing universal health care

LIZZY BIBS

FFX News International 

The United Kingdom has finally admitted that they hate their universal health care plan as much as Americans do.

“If I wanted healthcare, I would buy it myself from a private sector,” Bryan Stockington, from Stockholm, England said.

Stockington would not say what he did for a living but did convey it’s his choice to give his money to a multi-million dollar company.

“If I’m sick and dying of let’s say cancer, then someone might as well be making a profit because I sure as hell won’t be,” Stockington said. “In fact I’m pretty sure if I didn’t receive government handouts, the cancer would not only take out my body but my bank account as well and that’s our God given right that the Parliament has taken from us.”

Stockington said God never wanted people to depend on the government for their health.

“After all it’s in the Bible, ‘In sickness and in health I have the right to choose who will profit from both’,” Stockington said. “Or is that my marriage vows? I always confuse those two. I guess in the end I’m saying look at what depending on the government did to Jesus.”

Stockington said whether it be in the Bible or in his wedding, he has vowed to be able to choose who gives him his daily insulin shot and it sure was not the politicians up in their “high towers of London”.

“I feel as if the government is saying, well we know you’re a blue collar. Working for eight pounds an hour won’t pay for the thousands upon thousands of pounds worth of treatment. Well how do you know I haven’t won the lotto yet?” Stockington asked. “It’s really just plain insulting.”

Stockington said he feels as if he’s living in a work of fiction or perhaps a narcissist’s dream.

“It’s almost as if I’m living in George Orwell’s 1984 or perhaps in the mind of Ann Rand. If Rand has taught anything it’s that capitalism always works. It never fails. So government, get your damn hands off my healthcare,” Stockington said.

Stockington said when looking at history, it was not until the 1940s after the Great Depression, when universal healthcare came to became a part of everyday life.

“For thousands of years we lived as natural human beings paying for our own healthcare,” Stockington said. “Sure it was for leaches and flesh eating maggots and not for the high technical day of radiation and CAT scans. But if I want to pay for leaches and maggots I should be able to pay for them without the government telling me I need an ultrasound or some other scientific logic that costs a whole hell load of money.”

According to Stockington he pays for healthcare with his taxes therefore he is also paying for the deadbeats who just want to get sick on the government’s dollar.

“These people don’t even want to get well,” Stockington said. “They just want to milk the government for all it’s worth and remain sick and decrepit without ever taking responsibility for their own health.”

Robert Griffin, an honored FXX News blogger, has another theory about the universal healthcare system.

“In the end it all boils down to one thing, population control,” Giffin said. “All universal healthcare systems across the globe have secretly started death panels. I should know they decided to kill my grandma three months ago.”

Griffin’s personal experience with the death panels have left a lasting mark on him.

“I was out of town and she was what some refer to as a shut-in but nobody came and helped her when she keeled over from a heart attack in her sleep,” Griffin said. “No one came and gave her CPR. She was a 99 year-old women just left in her PJs dead from something as curable as a heart attack.”

Griffin has a started a blog entitled, They’re Coming for You Next which is dedicated to making the public aware of what he calls, the government’s ultimate plan.

“They came for my grandma and pretty soon they’ll be building death camps where all 99 year old grandmas will be chain to their beds so they can die in their sleep from heart attacks,” Griffin said.

Griffin understands some may remain sketpical of the U.K.'s citizens finally getting fed up over their healthcare.

"Some people might say, oh that's just a small number griping about the government take over. Well I'm here to tell you that there are at least 60 of us," Griffin said. "And that's not including me."

Griffin applauds the United States for keeping the money in the hands of corporations instead of the government whose only gain in taking hold of health care is killing off everyone.

“The United States is the only remaining industrialized country without some form of universal access and I applaud them for keeping corporate millionaires not just in the pockets of every citizen but in their sick beds as well,” Griffin said.

Griffin has a strong feeling the U.K. is headed towards full out communism.

“The laws of economics keeps telling us that the United Kingdom is a capitalist society. Well who makes those laws up? How do I know it was hundreds of years of different philosophical genius and not just one big Marxist conspiracy?” Griffin said. “The simple answer is I don’t know and neither can any of you.”

Changes to the electoral process will be seen in 2012

LIZZY BIBBS

Washington D.C. Correspondent

The American people will see many changes as the 2012 elections approach. It appears we will no longer have candidates to vote for but rather corporations, organizations and other lobbyists. "We've decided to level with the American people and show them who they are really voting for," David Jepson, the president of the United States' Election Board said.Jepson said the world revolves around the bottom line and the bottom line in politics is which lobbyists can give candidates the most money. Next November as voters head to their booths they will now have a choice between such lobbyists as BP and the National Education Association.

“There will be some dark horses in the races like the Sierra Club and Green Peace but let's be realistic, they'll be lucky to get 5 per cent of the vote,” Jepson said.

Since the Chief Executive Officers of cooperation and heads of associations will be far too busy with their businesses to run the country, they will send representatives on their behalf if elected to a seat.

Congressmen who currently hold positions will keep their seat until their term is up and then they will be replaced by whichever lobbyists wins their vacant position.

“We can't kick out those who are currently in the Congress that would be unconstitutional not to mention a breach of contract,” Jepson said.

Some members of congress are outraged by the new voting conditions, even suggesting protests by the American people.

“It's time for a revolution,” John Kerry said.

Other Congressmen do not seem quite as worried.

“This is the way our country has been moving for quite sometime. This way we don't have to make back door deals. It's all out and in the open,” Rob Portman said.

Protesters stood outside the White House trying to urge President Barrack Obama to do something to stop what they see as the desecration of the United States of America.

“I really wish I could do something to stop this,” Obama said. “Unfortunately this came as a compromise in order for us to move forward with our jobs initiative. This was the best outcome we could asked for.”

Obama said this will be a change for the people but not to worry, the corporations will represent themselves and since they too are the people, they will only have their best interest at hand. He also hinted at possibly staying president if the right corporation is voted into the Oval Office.

“Vote Goldman Sachs in 2012,” Obama said.

There was outrage seen outside of the Capitol. Signs with slogans saying, “My dog is more of a human than your corporations” and “For the PEOPLE by the PEOPLE” loomed over Capitol Hill.

“I can't believe this. What happened to this country?” Elaine Strockhome asked. “I'm getting my visa ready and am applying for dual citizenship in Canada.”

John Boehner smirked at the line of protesters as tears began to run down his face (he later admitted mostly from laughter) and stated they did not know their American politics.

“For the people by the people? Haven't they heard of Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad? The Fourteenth Amendment has clearly been extended to corporations,” Boehner said.

Boehner also stated the 1877 Supreme Court Case of Munn versus Illinois where the Fourteenth Amendment was once again used to defend a corporation as a person of the United States of America and the most recent case of corporations being considered people, the 2010 case Citizens United versus Federal Election Commission.

While some Americans displayed their disapproval, their were others who could not find a flaw in the new rules and proudly supported voting corporations into office.

“Corporations as a people have waited a long time for this day to come,” Rex Tillerson, Exxon Mobile CEO commented at yesterday's press conference. “I think most Americans forget that we're people too.”