Samson tests positive for steroids

LIZZIE BIBBS

B.C. Olympic News

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Samson has now tested positive for steroids after years of claiming his strength came from his hair.

After years of speculation Samson admits he indeed did take steroids and his hair was only a fabricated lie he created to cover his tracks.

“Yes, it is true I have taken HGH,” Samson said. “It wasn’t the hair at all and I send my sincere apologies for any kind of pain or grief my actions might have caused.”

Samson for years said his strength came from his long locks of brown hair but the HGH was found in Samson’s system after he was required to take a drug test during the Olympic Trials.

Samson was supposed to compete with the Israeli weight lifting team in the 2012 London Games which many are saying he was forced to resign from.

“I am resigning from my position on the team,” Samson said. “I am respecting the wishes of my teammates and will step down as team captain and will not compete in this year’s Olympics."

Samson has been accused of taking steroids for years with many people trying to find direct evidence to convict him.

A few years back the Delilah was hired by the Philistines to find out if Samson was on steroids which began the rumors on the strength coming from his hair.

Delilah befriended Samson and worked undercover trying to find the secret to his strength.

“They suspected steroids from the beginning and were displeased after Samson went on a slaughtering streak through their country,” Delilah said. “Sure some of those people probably deserved Samson’s wrath but some of them were just in the barbarian’s way.”

The Philistines were determined to find steroids in Samson’s possession and paid Delilah in cash.

Delilah came back with various different results, at one pointed citing Samson will lose his power if bound with new ropes or with fresh bowstrings.

“It turns out Samson just really like bondage,” Delilah said. “I hate to say it but I am a sucker for it as well.”

Samson admits he told these lies to Delilah to throw her off the case and to “get some on the side.”

“Some girls believe anything you tell them but Delilah was her own breed of stupid and let’s face it, she enjoyed the whole ropes and bowstring bondage as much as I did,” Samson said.

After months of questioning from Delilah, Samson thought it best to save himself by cutting his hair and getting off the steroids.

“I thought I could blame my sudden lack of strength on my hair now being short,” Samson admitted. Samson recently went back on the HGH but forgot to consider the new drug testing required to compete in the Olympics.

“I got off the roids and was doing alright but I missed being able to carry cars on my back and throwing the brats in my neighborhood over rooftops. Those were the things in life I cherished,” Samson said. "So I decided to give the steroids another go."

Samson said he has no regrets but is not looking forward to the punishment the Olympic officials have determined for him.

“It turns out doing steroids is punishable by stabbing out one’s eyes. That’s going to suck,” Samson said.

Samson is set to have his eyes out sometime next week by Philistines doctors. Samson has stated he plans on immediately lifting weights after the procedure and finding a guide dog.

“I’m hoping for a Rottweiler,” Samson said.   

Some of his fans are hoping for a comeback and feel he has been wrongfully targeted for years.
“People have been after Samson for years. Sure HGH may have been in his system but come on he’s the best weight lifter in his class with or without the roids,” Guns in Babylon wrote on his Twitter page.

Samson is telling his friends to hold tight and keep him in their thoughts and prayers.

“This is not the end for me. I don’t need to see to be able to lift weights,” Samson said. “Don’t worry I’ll be back stronger than ever before you know it.”