Sunday, September 22, 2013

Pelosi wants Boehner to give her Disco Barbie back!

Boehner admits his first thought was just to hit Pelosi with the mallet
but then thought taking her Barbie would give him more leverage.
The Obamacare debate has come to head in Washington D.C., as Republican Speaker of the House, John Boehner has stolen Democrat and Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi’s limited edition 1973 Disco Barbie.
Boehner has promised he will cut off the Barbie doll’s head if Obamacare is not repealed.
“I have her Disco Barbie and I am prepared to use my G.I. Joe issued army knife to dismember her if Obamacare continues as planned,” Boehner said.
Pelosi received a cut and paste ransom note from Boehner informing her of the hostage situation. She vows she will not sit back and take this blatant and ruthless threat.
“I am giving Boehner five days to give me my Barbie back or I’m telling Obama and you just wait Mr. Speaker of the House because you’re going to get it,” Pelosi said. “I’ve already told Biden, and he is very upset with this situation.”
Biden confirmed his knowledge of the Barbie hostage. Pelosi came to him Barbie-less and in tears on Friday.
Biden is very disappointed in Boehner and commented on the Ohio republican knowing better.
“I took Boehner aside and said he needs to give Barbie back to Pelosi because she’s a nice girl and this isn’t how we treat nice girls in our neighborhood. I went on to say this is not how we get what we want,” Biden said. “Boehner responded with an ‘I don’t want to.’”
Boehner then reportedly stuck his tongue out at Biden. Biden told him his actions are “mean”.
“Boehner then looked me in the eye and said, ‘I know you are but what am I?’ It was a question I was unprepared for,” Biden said. “I just looked at him and said, ‘You just wait until Obama gets home young man. I’m going to tell him everything. You won’t be smirking then, will you?’”
Pelosi received this Polaroid along with a ransom note.
Pelosi said not to be fooled by Barbie's smile as she
can feel her pain.

The fight over Obamacare’s implementation still continues as Pelosi patiently waits to be reunited with Disco Barbie. She gave her final pleas on The Capitol steps yesterday afternoon.
“Ken is worried about Barbie,” Pelosi said. “Enough with the games Boehner, you’re hurting me and the whole Barbie Disco Kingdom. Barbie was set to be crowned Disco Dancing Queen, but you had to go and ruin the whole thing. The dance has now been cancelled.”
Pelosi’s Justice Sandra O’Connor limited edition Barbie gave a court order to Boehner after the press conference to return Disco Barbie immediately.
Obama had this to say about the hostage crisis at hand.
“I had a heart to heart discussion with Boehner where I told him how disappointed I am in him and how I know he didn’t mean to take Pelosi’s Barbie. It was simply a misunderstanding that got out of hand,” Obama said. “I told him he was a good boy and I know he will rectify the situation soon.”
Obama said he doesn’t like being the hard one on his Congress. He knows they are all in this together and they will all learn as they grow.
“I don’t like to be the tough one, but someone has to,” Obama stated. “Although Boehner should be warned, if I find out little Miss Pelosi did not receive her doll back, I will have to take out the old belt and no one wants it to come to that.”

Boehner has not mentioned the talk with Obama but did not seem to show remorse over taking the Barbie without permission. He only had this to say, “Pelosi and the democrats started it.”

Friday, April 5, 2013

Women not human, science claims

Science and Mankind Review

Scientists have released a study which proves women are not humans but a mythical, supernatural being whose sole purpose is to seduce mankind and eventually take over the world.
Doctor Richard VanSmute has determined no matter how cute
and inocent women may look, they are soul sucking vampires.
“There’s a reason women were put in their place for so long,” Doctor Richard VanSmute, head of the study said. “They’re like vampires except instead of blood, they suck your soul. They’re soul sucking vampires.”
The study is considered to be the most comprehensive report ever published on the subject of women.
“We have determined women are more demon than human,” VanSmute said. “I ask you, what other creature can bleed for seven days straight and not die?”
VanSmute studied other animals and found most would die within the second or third day.
“We found with the amount of blood a women bleeds, they should be dead long before the seven days are up. Most monkeys died within the first five hours and men died within a day,” VanSmute said. “We are pretty sure the only way to kill a woman is by stabbing her in the heart.”
The study also shows how women use their puppy eyes and tears to manipulate the souls of men.
“We saw through the use of tears, eyes and even a quick flash of cleavage men are left astray,” VanSmute said. “If we don’t watch out, they really will change the world as we know it.”
VanSmute began the study 12 years after a nasty divorce with his wife.
“After she cheated on me with my best friend, took everything I ever loved and half of all my assets, I thought she must not have a soul,” VanSmute said. “Although it’ll be a few more years until we determine where and if the soul lies in a women but I think the study does show something terribly inhuman about these creatures.”
After recent claims of Obama and even the pope being the Anti-Christ, VanSmute is sure the Anti-Christ will be a woman.
“The Anti-Christ won’t be in a suit in tie,” VanSmute said. “Mark my words, the Anti-Christ will be packaged in lipstick, high heels and a nice rack. In fact I am fairly positive the Anti-Christ might be the entire women race.”
VanSmute would like to put the whole world on red alert against women to keep the apocalypse at bay.
“I am on the fight to not only put women back in the kitchen but in cages,” VanSmute said. “It’s the only way to maintain a future for the planet Earth.”

Friday, March 15, 2013

God said he could end the world if Jesus would learn to use a sword

Apocalypto Times

It seems as if every decade, another “End of the World” following begins. If it’s not a Jonestown cult, it’s the year 2000 or December 21, 2012. Yet each date has passed and as long you were not a member of the Heaven’s Gate or a similar cult following, the world is still spinning.
However God admits he’s been ready for the apocalypse for over 100 hundred years but it is Jesus who keeps holding him back.
“Jesus is supposed to be the leader of the apocalypse with his sword, but my son will not learn how to proper carry and use a sword,” God said.
Jesus said he does not see the point of learning how use a sword as it is no longer a cool form of weaponry unless you are filming a Tolkien movie.
“We’ve moved past the Middle Ages quite some time ago,” Jesus said. “We have guns and cannons and tanks now dad. Why in your name would I ever carry a sword? Get with the times.”
God is frustrated as Jesus has consistently missed his fencing and swordsmanship classes.
“I pay for these classes and he’s consistently hours late if he shows up at all. I’m not asking for much,” God said. “I’m trying to save the Christians here. Get your ass in gear already.”
Jesus does not understand how carrying a sword is scary anymore or even a sign of power.
“I’ll be the laughing stock of Earth as I’m on my white horse with a double edged sword. I'll look around to see military tanks and assault rifles pointed my way," Jesus said. "I’ll last two seconds down there and the people of Earth will have to await a third coming.”
God is sure Jesus is just adamant on defying him.
“He hasn’t rode a horse in months,” God said. “Powder-puff is just grazing in the fields saddle less. The last time Jesus rode a horse he almost fell off.”
For Jesus the whole apocalypse scenario is severely outdated. From the horse down to the sword, Jesus thinks the story needs a reboot.
“I would like my second coming to include an Apache Helicopter and a bazooka,” Jesus said.
God rolled his eyes as he heard his son’s description.
“This is why I am the Lord and he is merely my son,” God said. “Sure he knows a few magic tricks but I am the brains of this operation. It’s a sword, period.”
God said he cannot go back on his word as the prophets have already written the story of Jesus’ second coming.
“John clearly wrote in Revelation that Jesus would come with a double edged sword and come with a double edged sword he will,” God said. "Come with a double edged sword, he will."
Jesus said the prophets are from an age where fire was still a new invention.
“Come on,” Jesus said. “I also told everyone I was going to the Prince of Peace and here I come with a double edged sword to save a few Christians. The word’s not exactly written in stone.”
In the end Jesus has accepted his contradictions of teachings.
“I’m not complaining but it does seem a tad bit hypocritical,” Jesus said. “I did initiate the golden rule but if I’m going to break my promise, I want to look like a Bruce Willis character, not a Monty Python sketch.”
However, God is growing impatient and can no longer hold his anger inside.
"In the old days, I would just demolish Babylon or go all holocaust on civilians and all that aggression would simply disapear," God said. "Then I killed my son and held my anger in for over two milleniums. I just don't how much longer I can do this."
God said he had summoned enough anger to end the world by the American Civil War and had anticipated Jesus riding in with General Ulysses S. Grant at Fort Donelson.
“It was to be a majestic end of the world, the freeing of the slaves and then a big bang of apocalyptic grandeur,” God said. “I’m just frustrated. It’s a sword and he’s had over 2,000 years to learn.”
God’s simmer has now come to an over boil.
“The anger is in the pit of my stomach and for everyday Jesus puts off learning the sword, the more it grows,” God said.
God claims he now has enough aggression to completely destroy the Earth, Jupiter and half of Mars which is why he is urging Jesus to become a master swordsman.
“If I don’t destroy the world soon, some angels might lose their wings,” God said.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Extreme couponers slash prices, medical style

Slice of Life Medical Journal

Local hospitals are experiencing an overload of extreme couponers making their way to the Emergency Room to cash in on discounts.
“We have at least 20 more patients a day than usual,” George Mackey, an Emergency Room doctor at Mercy West Hospital in Cleveland, said. “They come in with binders in hand and medical requests ready. It’s actually kind of annoying but you know, we’re professionals, we deal with nuts all the time, just not at this capacity.”
Couponers have founded a new place besides
their local groceries stores to cash in.
The couponers have been coming with coupons ranging from $50 off stitches to free kidney transplants.
“I brought in five $100 dollars off coupons for any injury which requires a cast,” Andrea Finley, an extreme couponer said. “With my insurance and the coupons, I had them cast my broken arm and my son’s and then I got $20 back.”
When asked how they received their injuries, Finley only had three words.
“With a hammer,” Finley said. “Those coupons were going to expire within the month. So I told my son Toby to get the hammer because we’re cashing in.”
Finley admitted it was painful but just like beauty, sometimes cash comes with pain.
“The worst part was waiting for ambulance to come,” Finley said. “But with my buy one get one free coupon for riding the ambulance, we paid half price.”
However even after Finley’s arm was tended to, she was not through yet.
“I told them I’m not leaving the hospital until they take out one of my kidneys,” Finley said. “There is a $10,000 off coupon for a kidney operation and with my insurance’s double coupon policy, I get $20,000 off. So I told them to take one out. I don’t need both to live.”
After this trip to the hospital, Finley will not be back for at least another six months.
“I will be spending my time eating all the junk food and candy I can find,” Finley said. “I have a gastric bypass surgery coupon I have to use up by the end of this year. Who knows, if I can get my hands on a few more, I might have enough for my whole family.”
Another extreme couponer Brian Jeffries came into Mercy West's ER with a gunshot wound to his left thigh.
“It was self-inflicted but worth it all since I’m getting $300 off the stitches and another $200 if they dig out the bullet,” Jeffries said.
Although the bullet was taken out without any other complications, Jeffries requested the doctors to place a breathing tube down his throat.
“I get $50 back with the ten breathing tube coupons I have collected,” Jeffries said. “Even if it takes all night, I will not leave until they shove that tube down my throat. I mean it’s $50 who wouldn’t take advantage of it?”
Jeffries remembers a time when a trip to the hospital would break the bank but now he can make frequent trips and get the bang for his buck.
“I use to make one trip a year to the hospital and it would take me all the next year to pay off the visit. Now I can make weekly trips and receive cash back,” Jeffries said. “It’s all about doing your research and knowing the prime season for injuries.”
Jeffries spends seven hours a day looking for medical coupons and has highlighted his calendar for monthly discounts at his local doctors and hospitals.
“Next week I’ll be traveling down the road to Saint Anthony’s Hospital. They’re offering discounted prostrate exams and I have a coupon for 75 percent off,” Jeffries said. “Guess who will be making another $10 next week?”
Mercy West and many other area hospitals are now considering adding an extra ward just for couponers.
“We figure we’ll just add on to our psych ward and place all our interns on duty in that area of the hospitals,” Mackey said. “I mean no real doctor actually wants to work on these patients and they’ll give the interns plenty of practice.”