Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Kris Kringle not having a wonderful Christmastime after charged with stalking

Kris Kringle was arrested outside of his North Pole Estate late yesterday morning after a worldwide stalking operation was discovered. 
Holiday Press

Kris Kringle has been arrested outside his North Pole mansion for stalking young children throughout the United States and the world.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) found surveillance videos of over 30 million children and furthermore found spying elves working for Santa in over 10 million houses across The United States, Canada and the United Kingdom.
“The pervert was watching children all day long,” FBI agent, George Stell said. “We found surveillance cameras on children’s book bags, in closets and all through people’s houses. We even found a camera in a first grade classroom in Santa Monica, California”
Stell encourages anyone with a child to search their house for these cameras and even for elves.
“We have no idea the span of his operation but we think there is potential for every child in the world to have some sort of surveillance,” Stell said. “We even found these pint sized elves he calls Buddy spying on children and creeping around people’s houses.”
One of those elves was found in a house belonging to Selma Washington, a mother of two.
“I opened up our cupboard where we keep the cereal when I saw a box of Captain Crunch toppled over and it was moving,” Washington said. “When I took a closer look I saw these skinny little legs peeking out.”
Washington, in a state of panic, screamed which scared the Buddy and he began to run from her.
“I picked up a butcher knife and proceeded after him,” Washington said. “Thought the bugger was fast and he managed to get away.”
Washington is now terrified Buddy will return.
“No one is safe,” Washington said.
Nine year old, Betsy Johnson had a similar experience though it was not with a Buddy elf but rather with Kringle himself.
“I was sleeping when I woke up because it felt like someone was watching me in my sleep,” Johnson said.
Johnson awoke to Kringle staring at her through her window.
“He was in our tree,” Johnson said.
Johnson said once Kringle realized he had been caught, he quickly left the scene without saying a word.
“He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.” Johnson said.
It was Johnson’s description which enabled police to catch Kringle.
“The Johnson girl described Kringle as cheeks like roses, a nose like a cherry,” Stell said. “She also decribed his mouth as droll and drawn up like a bow and the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.”
Johnson also described his girth as a “little round belly that shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.”
Kringle’s public relations manager released this statement.
“Kringle was simply monitoring the children of the world and making lists of who was naughty and nice,” the statement said. “No harm was ever intended or were the tapes to be seen by anyone beyond the walls of his workshop.”
The complete list of boys and girls was found on Kringle’s hard drive.
Stell commented on how amazed he was at Kringle’s organization skills.
“We found list of children with all their good deeds and mean spirited actions described in detail. We’re talking about a full year worth of logs,” Stell said. 
Stell took notice of most children being under the age of 12 with a a few hundred between the ages of 13 to 14 and an even slimmer margin of 15 and above. 
Kringle also seemed to only watch gentile boys and girls.
“The list were quite strange as most the children were Christian and we also found a hand written list in his desk labeled ‘Jewish’,” Stell said. “However these children were not differentiated from naughty and nice.”
Stell warns all parents to keep an eye on their children this season as although the cameras have been disabled, many more Buddy elves may be on the loose.
“I warn everyone out there Kris Kringle’s mob is coming to town and they sees when you are sleeping and knows when you’re awake,” Stell said. “We caught the head honcho but the extent of his operation has yet to be seen.”
Kringle is set to be arraigned later this week.
“I’ve seen many stalkers in my day but this guy takes stalking to a whole new level,” Stell concluded. “I’m just glad this man is off our streets.”

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Pope gives new manger scene regulations

Vatican Chronicle

After Pope Benedict XVI’s spoke out against animals being placed in manger scenes a few weeks ago, Benedict is now preparing to hand pamphlets out to Catholic Churches worldwide, on how the manger should be set up.
“The Bible does not say that animals were present at the birth of Jesus,” Benedict said. “There were no cattle or horses. The donkey Mary and Joseph rode in was placed outside. Nobody wants a jackass near them during labor.”
Some have wondered what happened to the animals of the patrons at the inn.
courtesy of www.commons.wikimedia.org
The animals in this manger scene is just the beginning of errors according to 
Pope Benedict XVI.

"God kicked them out," Benedict said. "God had to make room for his son. Besides it's not like animals have souls or anything."
The pope goes further and says all reminisce of snow should also be removed.
“Bethlehem sits on the edge of the Judean Desert. You should place your manger in sand,” Benedict said.
Also Benedict commented on manger scene hay being too clean. Even if Jesus was an easy birth, Mary would have bled.
“She was a virgin giving birth. I may not know too much about the process of giving birth but I do know blood and afterbirth is involved,” Benedict said. “I’ve seen a few movies in my time. It’s never a pretty scene.”
In response to this issue, Vatican will be selling blessed fake blood and bits of placenta to place on the hay of any home, public or church manger scene.
“The splatter of blood and placenta will really bring authenticity to your manger and to Christmas this year,” Benedict said. “Also it should be only blessed blood placed in the manger since it will be the blood of the Blessed Virgin.”
Another major flaw on traditional mangers is most having a whole wall that has been removed. The pope is particularly upset with this as most mangers have four walls not three and an opening.
“They would have been freezing,” Benedict said. “No way did the manger only have three walls. For one thing it would not have been structurally sound and who would place their animal in a three walled building overnight? No one with a brain that’s for sure.”
Finally the pope pointed out there should be no wise men in your manger until at least twelve days after Christmas.
“The wise men were late,” Benedict said. “Doesn’t anyone read their bibles anymore? They should not be in the scene for Christmas.”
Benedict said they can be across the room from the home manger scene or in another area of the park or church or wherever else the manger might be placed but under no circumstance should they appear by Jesus until January 6.
“It’s all about the details,” Benedict said. “How can you truly honor what Christmas is all about if you have all the facts and details wrong in your manger scene?”
Benedict also has a beef with many Christmas carols and will be releasing another pamphlet next week detailing which songs should be left out of your Christmas celebrations.
“There was no drummer boy at the scene of Jesus Christ’s brith,” Benedict said. “No one invites a drummer to see a newborn baby. What are we trying to do scare the son of God mere minutes after birth? He’ll be scared enough in about another 33 years or so.”

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Pilgrims won first Thanksgiving football game in 1621

Plymouth Rock Press

As turkey, potatoes and pumpkin pie is finished at the dinner table this Thanksgiving, many will get ready to cheer  their favorite football teams as they take the field. America will scream and shout at the television in their half-awake in their food induced comas.
Many think of the Thanksgiving football game as a 20th century addition to the holiday but historian Bruce Furgison has found documents depicting football being played at the first Thanksgiving in 1621.
“Isaiah Smith writes in his diary of the game, pilgrims versus Indians in a knuckle to knuckle head butting battle,” Furgison said. “There are other findings as well such as Indian folklore which tells of a shirt versus skins game with an irregular shaped ball.”
A schoolbook from 1640 also tells the story of the Indians and pilgrims football game.
“It was a delightful meal of eel and corn and fowl and of course it all ended with a man versus savage all bets in game of American football,” the book reads.

A recreation of how the first Thanksgiving football might have looked in 1621

The Thanksgiving football game is a time honored tradition and it is no coincidence that the base of a turkey resembles a football.
“The pilgrims used the turkey as the first football,” Furgison said. “It was a lot heavier than the traditional football used today and the skin was very delicate.”
The natives told stories of the skin falling to the ground creating a hazard on the field.
“Once the pilgrim saw the skin was slippery, they would throw the skin off to trip those of us in their tracks,” a native reported a few years later to the Plymouth Rock Free Times. “I still to this day do not understand how this was not a foul.”
The game was brutal with pilgrims only equipped with cloth hats and their short shorts and the natives shirtless, no one had it easy.
“The natives called the pilgrims sissy boys for wearing such short knickers,” Furgison said. “The pilgrims were not known for their sense of humor so they never had a comeback except for the occasional savage line.”
The first Thanksgiving is also the first record of a halftime show.
“It was the first ever halftime show as the pilgrims and Indians ran off the field because of a bear interference,” Furgison said. “The bear roamed the field for a half hour straight and both teams noted the small break was a good time to regroup.”
According to Smith’s diary, the game last about an hour and half and the final score was 35 to 10 with the pilgrims winning.
“The Indians were not all too familiar with the game and surprisingly neither were the pilgrims,” Furgison said. “In fact it is the first and last game the pilgrims ever won because as soon as the slave trade came to the colonies, the pilgrims didn’t stand a chance.”
As a prize the pilgrims claimed the land, the right to slaughter natives and of course they retained bragging rights.
“Everyone thinks of Thanksgiving as a feast to celebrate unity when in fact is was a celebration of winning the first American football game,” Furgison said.
The pilgrims and colonists would continue their celebration of the win for years with celebrations and raids of thanks.
In 1641, after having a holocaust-esq raid on the Pequot tribe in Connecticut, the churches declared a day of thanksgiving to celebrate.
“During this feast, the decapitated heads of Natives were kicked through the streets of Manhatten of course each head wore its own helmet,” Furgison said. “One lucky head was shaped into a football and used as the official game ball.”
Though the pilgrims had the overall win, the Indians did get a consolation prize which would be passed down for generations or at least until the last man in their tribe was wiped out.
“The pilgrims were nice enough to give the Indians blankets to keep them warm during the winter,” Furgison said. “Of course these blankets were riddled with Small Pox but that is just another minor detail in the epic first ever Thanksgiving football game.”

Friday, October 12, 2012

God said humans are his biggest mistake

Logistical Times

For years the human race has declared God created everything good but God is now saying he has made mistakes in his creation.
“I would say most everything I created is good except for humans,” God said. “Man I really screwed the pooch while making those things.”
God said he would change a few design flaws found on humans if he were to recreate the world again.
“I would cover them in fur,” God said. “There is one thing that I have learned, fur makes any animal cute. Look at a shaved dog, it’s not so appealing but cover that dog in fur and you’ve got Lassie.”
God thought hair would make do for fur but he has now seen it is more maintenance and is weird and patchy.
“Hair is bizarre. I thought it would be nice new design in creation. Boy was I wrong,” God said. “For women it’s this weird ever growing fountain on their head and a nuisance everywhere else and for men it’s their heads and faces. It looks ridiculous.”
However if God could only make one correction, it would be within the human brain.
“Why I gave humans logic is beyond me,” God said. “I mean I gave them the exact tool to dispute me. I should have left them at a mind of three year old.”
God said logic is ruining his life.
“It’s logic that explains evolution and science,” God said. “It’s logic which makes people want to sleep in on Sunday instead of spending at least an hour worshiping me.”
For God, logic is the number one reason people stop believing in him.
“If it wasn’t for logic people would still be doing animal and family sacrifices to me,” God said. “Once logic got into the picture, it was only me who was willing to sacrifice my only son.”
God said when he really thinks about it all, humans are probably his biggest mistake and adding logic to the equation was just adding to the fire of the human race.
“Logic has destroyed me while the lack of logic is destroying my planet,” God said. “I mean many who believe in me also believe in destroying a mountain for a few pieces of carbon. Hey dipshits, those mountains were hard to make. Do you really think I’ll be happy if you destroy them?”
God said logic has put the world in a Catch 22 situation.
“You need to destroy all logic to worship me and therefore all logical ways to stop the planet from deconstructing is only seen as a hippie anti-God campaign,” God said. “I really fucked up with the human race. Giving them opposable thumbs was a big mistake.”
Once the end of the world comes, God said he is looking in investing in a new planet of ignorant dogs.
“Who doesn’t like dogs?” God said. “They’re loyal, cuddly and don’t have any fingers or thumbs. I originally was going to include cats but then I thought who am I kidding, those bastards only worship themselves.”
In conclusion God said he should not have rushed to make the world.
"Can you really create perfection in seven days? I should of taken a month," God said. 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Oscar the Grouch speaks of Big Bird in China

Sesame Street Journal

In 1983, Big Bird never knew his diplomatic trip to China would come back to haunt him.
During Tuesday’s presidential debate, Mitt Romney said he would cut funds to PBS in order to stop drawing funds from China.
“I’m not going to keep spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for it,” Romney said.
Now Big Bird is forced to explain his dealing with the Chinese in the 1980s and just what was he doing on the Great Wall with a little Chinese girl.
Oscar the Grouch is now releasing the footage of Big Bird in China as a way to try and save his job.
Big Bird is seen here on the Great Wall of China in 1983.
“Romney is trying to cut ties with China and we have footage of Big Bird in China shaking hands  and dancing with a monkey king and talking to Chinese schoolchildren,” Grouch said.  “It’s no wonder he’s threatening to take our jobs away.”
Grouch believes Big Bird was making deals with the Chinese in order to fund his national syndicated television show, Sesame Street.
“I don’t have proof of Big Bird’s dealing but how else can you explain our longevity? I never thought the show would last more than two episodes,” Grouch said. “I mean really what do we do? We yell out numbers and letters all damn day. Well here’s a letter of the day for you Big Bird, E for eviction.”
Grouch is also accusing Big Bird of having communistic ties.
“He may not be a red bird, but Big Bird is definitely a communist,” Grouch said.
Grouch said Big Bird went to China in order to fund their regular scheduled program.
“There’s no way we could compete once cable got into the picture,” Brust said. “We needed Chinese funding to keep us in the ratings.”
Grouch has footage of Big Bird traveling throughout the Asian countryside and has released it to the media.
Big Bird released a statement earlier this afternoon saying his trip to China was purely educational and the footage of him in China has been available for years.
“I haven’t been hiding anything,” Big Bird said. “That footage was shown on the television right after I made the trip.”
Grouch says the footage has been altered and edited and he would like an untouched copy.
“That bird is hiding something,” Grouch said.
In the footage, Big Bird is seen learning Chinese and going to Chinese public school.
It seems everyone on Sesame Street was in favor or Big Bird’s trip to China except for Grouch.
“Take my advice don’t eat the rice,” Grouch told Big Bird before he left.
Grouch did not trust the Chinese and did not want to be stuck in any deals with the country.
“I told that dumb bird not to go,” Grouch said. “All I have is a trashcan and I might not even have that if this Romney guy gets elected. Thanks a lot Big Bird.”
Grouch said he is now in survivor mode and it is every muppet for themselves.
“All I want is to ensure I won’t have to go looking for a new trashcan anytime in the near future,” Grouch said. “Go ahead cancel the show but leave my can alone.”
Big Bird said he thinks every culture should be respected and his trip was a way to bridge a gap between China and the United States.
“It’s all communist talk,” Grouch said. “Can you ever really trust a bird of that size? It’s unnatural. Fire the bird keep the guy in the trashcan.”

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Jesus’ teenage love notes found

The Ancient Times
photo courtesy of www.knowledgerush.com.
One of Jesus' first love to Sarah notes is displayed up above.
They are set to be released next month.
We know very little about Jesus’ teenage years but a recent discovery of love notes in an old shoe box is giving insight to Jesus as a hormonal male in ancient times.
The box is painted pink with purple hearts taped to it and the words “Sarah and Jesus Forever” written in Hebrew on the top.
Historians are not sure who this Sarah is but speculate she was the first girl to begin developing in her class.
“We found an old high school year book which indicates Sarah had begun her pubescent development far above and beyond the other girls in her class,” Jerry George, a historian and archeologist at the dig said. “In short let’s just say she had moved beyond the training bra by fifth grade.”
The notes begin with a neatly written note to Jesus from Sarah asking if he thinks the two should date with a, “Yes”, “No” and “Maybe” circle option. Jesus circled “Yes” with a smiley face drawn beneath the circle.
The one thing the notes determine is Jesus was a love struck teenager much like most boys at the age of 14 but with a poetic flare.
“He wrote her many poems about his undying love for her,” George said.
One of the poems reads:
"I see you in the sunset
And in my eyes at night
With the wind you and me
Our love will last past this life
Into eternity
We're better together baby!"
The last poem he sent to Sarah is loosely translated below:
"Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
One day I’ll die on a cross
And it’ll be all for you"
This poem seems to be the one which brought on Sarah and Jesus’ breakup.
Sarah wrote in response to the poem, “What does that mean? You’ll die on a cross?!!! Seriously?!!! What does that mean?!!!!!! I think we should break up.”
Sarah then asks Jesus never to speak to her again.
“It’s clear Sarah was freaked out by the poem and who wouldn’t be? The cross wasn’t a nice symbol at the time and those who were crucified were mostly people condemned by the Romans,” George said. “It’s like telling a girl in today's world you’ll die by lethal injection for her.”
Though even with Sarah clearly wanting a break up, Jesus kept writing her more notes and poems.
“You are my everything. We can work this out baby. Just give me one more chance I promise I will never mention crucifixion again. I know I just mentioned it there again but that’s it. I’m done with it! I promise just come back to me,” Jesus wrote. “We’re better together!”
The next letter dabbles deeper into his depression and the denial of their breakup.
“My mother said I should give you a few more days to cool down. So I will. This will be the last note you’ll get from me, ever. The next move is all you,” Jesus wrote. “But seriously I love you. We should be together forever.”
It appears Jesus waited exactly one week before writing Sarah again.
“It’s been a week since I last wrote you. Where are you? Did my passenger pigeon bring it to the wrong house? Just respond to me so I know you’re alright,” Jesus wrote.
This time Sarah did respond with a letter of her own.
“Look Jesus, I got your letters and enough is enough. Stop wasting your time and mine. Get over it. I’ve moved on and am happily dating Peter. He’s the captain of the Gladiator Team and we’re getting married next month. I’ve moved on so should you,” Sarah wrote.
It was this note which brought Jesus out of his denial of their breakup and his anger began.
“You can really see Jesus go through the grieving stages within these notes as his next series of notes were very hateful and angry,” George said.
Jesus wrote his displeasure of Sarah and Peter.
“Fine date Peter. I hope the lions eat him,” Jesus said.
Jesus wrote more poems during this period riddle with swear words and vengeance. One of his tamer poems reads:
"You said you'd always be there
But now you're nowhere to be found
I can't believe you left me
I feel so low beneath the ground
Die bitch!"
The poem was written on paper with the words, “From the desktop of Jesus Christ” at the top.
“I would say with the amount of letters he wrote the whole relationship lasted around a month and the notes and poems that followed were all written within a six month time period,” George said.
Jesus eventually did move on with his last note reading, “Dearest Sarah, I am sorry for my past actions. I have found a new girl now named Mary (and no it’s not my mother). She is amazing and will love me forever unlike you. Once I ask her out we will have a deeper and more meaningful relationship than you and I ever had."
He goes on to describe Mary in detail using such adjectives as, “smart”, “beautiful”, “nice” and  “perky”.
He ends the letter with these final words, “So you see I’ve moved on and I can only hope you have too. Love, Jesus. P.S. I know you cheated on me with Peter, I will try and forgive you eventually but there are no guarantees.”
Sarah wrote back one more time after this note was received.
“Jesus I’m glad you moved on. Like I said before so have I. I am now pregnant with my first child and if you ever write to me again I will file for a restraining order. You’re beyond creepy and I will never love you. Also I’m sending all of your angry rants back to you. I would burn them but I feel you might find more pleasure in that,” Sarah wrote.
The full transcripts of Jesus and Sarah’s letters are set to be released next month.
“These letters are full of passion, hate and love,” George said. “It just goes to show a teenagers life is turbulent no matter what age, place or time you live in.”

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Clint Eastwood talks to inanimate objects at RNC; doctor apologizes

photo courtesy of Getty

Clint Eastwood addresses a chair he believes to be President Obama .

Hollywood Vindicator

Clint Eastwood’s doctor apologized after subscribing him the wrong medication which caused him to hallucinate President Barack Obama during his speech at the Republican National Convention.
In fact Eastwood was talking to an empty chair.
“I was so surprise Obama agreed to come on stage with me,” Eastwood said after making his speech.
Eastwood stood in front of millions across the nation and held a full conversation with the chair he thought was seated with Obama.
Some at the convention  saw the act as a joke.
“I just thought what a character,” Josie Monaray, from Augusta, Georgia, said. “I was laughing during most of his speech.”
Others saw the true madness of Eastwood’s nature.
“I whispered to my wife, I think he’s having a psychotic episode,” John Frohn, a doctor himself from Houston, Texas, said. “She whispered back to me, ‘No honey. He’s old. It’s Alzheimer’s’.”
Robert Yessy, Eastwood’s doctor was embarrassed as he realized his mistake.
“I wrote the wrong prescription. I will take the blame for what occurred at the RNC. I am ashamed,” Yessy said.
According to Yessy, he was trying experimental medications on Eastwood, many which have work but this past time around; his pen got the better of him as his handwriting was misread by a pharmacist.
“I cannot tell you the exact medication which was subscribed but I have later found the pharmacist mistook my T for a K and my E for A that made all the difference,”Yessy said.  “I’ve been trying to get his psychosis under control for years and as he got on that stage, he had crazy beaming from his eyes. I just thought, oh no.”
Before going on stage there were reports of Eastwood yelling at people backstage.
“He grabbed my shirt and pulled me close to his face and asked me if I was a democratic spy,” Brandon VanHuet said. “He called me a punk, threw me to the ground and kicked me. I feared for my life.”
Eastwood thought a group of men at the sound booth were a part of Obama’s secret service.
“He asked me how it felt to be protecting a man who is destroying our country,” Tim Gundy said. “I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about and he said, ‘Oh you’re a liberal? Well Mr. Secret Service Boy it’s nice to know some democrats have balls.’ I was highly confused and he just stared me down and then walked away.”
Gus Furgan, a backstage crewmember reported seeing Eastwood speaking to tables, chairs and even at one point the curtain.
“There was a point he took the curtain and said wow you look mighty good in red Mrs. Romney,” Furgan said. “After that he was talking with Hilary Clinton for at least 15 minutes.”
According to Furgan, Clinton was actually a broom.
“I’ve never seen anyone manhandle a broom like that,” Furgan said. “He took her to a back closet and I didn’t see him for the rest of the night.”
David Gregory was the one who found Eastwood a few hours later.
“I opened the closet door and found Mr. Eastwood only in his boxers,” Gregory said. “Wow now that was a surprise.”
Eastwood apparently with squinting eyes and a cigarette in his mouth began quoting old movie lines, some of which were from characters he portrayed and others were not.
“He said, ‘Go ahead make my day’,” Gregory said. “Then he looked at a broom which was on the ground, picked up his clothes and said. ‘Here’s looking at you kid’.”
Yessy who had been looking for Eastwood for over five hours, was notified as Eastwood sat backstage talking with an empty beer bottle or Condoleezza Rice as he would call it.
“Luckily he was pleased with that empty bottle of Coors,” Gregory said. “He really took a liking to that bottle. I would say, that must be his beer of choice.”

Friday, August 24, 2012

Lizzie's hate mail tips

As election season comes to a head, the hate mail begins to flood in the news media’s gates.
For those thinking about writing their hate filled rants to their local or perhaps national media outlet, you should keep a few tips in mind.
The first thing you should do is edit your work. Most of the people who will be reading your letters are somewhat educated pupils and they will notice all of your double negatives, missing commas and incorrect verb usages.
It always helps when someone else reads through your work and if you don’t have a sister, mother, brother, in-law or friend to review your work, reading it aloud can help deter many errors.
When declaring a reporter a member of the liberal media, just state liberal media, do not add such adjectives as, Jewish, gay, lesbian, communist or Nazi.
Which brings us to the next point, using communist and Nazi synonymously is not politically correct. You see my animosity filled readers, a communism is the left wing gone to the extreme economically speaking and Nazism is a political ideology more commonly associated with a fascist society, which by the way is  a right wing government to the ultimate extreme, not left winged.
A quick history lesson can depict a communist feeling towards Nazism; during World War II, Hitler fought against Stalin. There quick and easy, communism and Nazism not even close to the same ideology.
Now that we’ve gotten through the definition section, let’s move on to citing your sources.
If as a reporter, I must quote sources and at least partially research my article, I expect you to do so as well.
Don’t just declare I have slept with the mayor and his wife without at least one reputable citation.
For example, “Bartholomew, my schizophrenic neighbor, said you slept with the mayor and his wife during a rousing Monday night post-city council meeting” or “Herbert, the midget inside my head, said you are such a slut you have slept with everyone in council and then topped it off with a one night stand with the chief of police.”
If I were to read such a citation, I’d think, wow this guy really did his research. I myself half believe his story.
My finally suggestion is to just sign your name. Please don’t add a “sincerely”, “cordially yours”, “yours truly” or “love” before your John Hancock. Doing so just makes you seem even more of a douche as it appears you are being ultra-sarcastic and patronizing.
Following these few simple tips will really up your game as you declare your anger towards that liberal, socialist and bitch of a reporter who even tries to write a story with another point of view others than yours or perhaps covers a story you find to be biasedly slanted; like the story written about those dogs dressed in brightly colored tutus (they were obviously gay).
Happy hate-filled writing to you all! I look forward to reading your views in a more educated fashion. 

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Dead Sea Ultrasound reveals Jesus had a twin

Dead Sea Times

Jesus revealed today he was indeed a twin during his fetal stages after an image of Mary’s first ultrasound was found in Egypt.
“According to early ultrasounds, I was supposed to have a fraternal twin sister but half way through the pregnancy she was no longer,” Jesus said in a statement to the press.
The image of the twins was found by three Egyptians farmers as they were tilling their soil and is now being deemed the “Dead Sea Ultrasound”.
God admits he was hiding the ultrasound as it is a part of his past he wished to remain a secret and he had ordered the image destroyed.
“I told those monks to destroy it but I guess you never can trust a liberal to keep your lies a secret,” God said. “They always have a way of undermining authority.”

The Dead Sea Ultrasound was found by Egyptian farmers and God has confirmed Jesus was indeed at one time a twin.

Doctors have yet to determine the cause of Jesus’ sister’s early termination but say poor diet might have played a roll.
Jesus tells another story.
“Let’s face it there could only be one of us,” Jesus said. “I won.”
Jesus says his sister’s existence was cut short after a battle during prenatal stages.
“On my father’s requests, I disposed of her before she could take to life,” Jesus said.
God later confirmed Jesus’ statements.
“My initial thought was to have Mary give birth to both my son and daughter and have a tag team type revival,” God said. “Jesus would perform the miracles and my daughter would get me a nice dowry on which I would fix the roof of my house and buy an upstanding donkey and use the rest to start the building of the Vatican.”
God had made plans with Lucifer to marry his daughter at the ripe age of 14 but later rethought his whole plan.
 “Then I came to my senses. Let’s face it, the money would be nice but having a daughter would totally ruin my credibility,” God said. “There’s no way these loins would let an X chromosome slip out.”
God said his daughter’s life would have jeopardized the whole future of Christianity so he decided she must go.
“I was kind of in a catch 22 situation. I had already sacrificed two of my sperms to create these twins and those don’t come easy,” God said. “I couldn’t just terminate the pregnancy so I appeared to fetus Jesus in several dreams.”
God gave Jesus details on how to defeat his sister before she developed any further.
“She proved to be quite hard to kill. I was initially given detailed instructions on how to create a noose with her umbilical cord,” Jesus said. “This was our first failure.”
Jesus said he performed the deed while they were having a tea party.
“It was on April 2 a glorious Tuesday morning,” Jesus said. “Juanita, I named her Juanita, was seeping water through the imaginary tea bags and I was in action.”
Juanita had asked Jesus what he was doing as she could feel the tension on her cord. Jesus said he was adjusting her cord because “it had gotten tangled in the intestines.”
Juanita carried on her womanly duties without another thought to Jesus.
“Oh she was so gullible,” Jesus said. “She gave me my teacup and I told her it needed more sugar and as she turned to get the sugar off the top imaginary cupboard, I slipped the cord around her neck and gave a nice hard tug. She started laughing.”
Juanita had thought Jesus was making a nice gesture in making her a necklace.       
“She called me silly and said necklace are never supposed to be that tight,” Jesus said.
Jesus said he kept trying to pull harder on the noose but it only made her go into a fit of laughter.
“I pulled so hard on that thing but in that fetal stage we really didn’t have much of necks,” Jesus said. “Also my nubs of fingers really weren’t getting a nice enough grip.”
A second plan took place where Jesus tried to beat her death but their ill formed feet and fingers were not equipped for a proper beating.
“The third time is the charm as they say,” Jesus said. “In the end I had to eat her. She was always a deep sleeper and her placenta gave me the softest skin. It was an excellent exfoliator.”
Jesus believes some of his later powers came from Juanita.
“The fact that my first miracle was turning water to wine shows some of her feminine side coming through,” Jesus said. “If it had been a masculine miracle I would have turned the water to scotch and really gotten the party going.”
Mary stated Jesus was enough of divine intervention for any women.
“I can’t believe he wanted me to birth twins,” Mary said. “Really you knock up a virgin and expect her to push out twins on her first try. Let’s be realistic.”
God said Juanita was an unfortunate glitch in his plan for Jesus.
“The idea of spreading my seed across twins seemed quite manly at the time but once I actually thought about it, I knew what I had to do,” God said. “There isn’t a day I look back.” 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

God declares Jews are still his chosen people

Higher Ground Press

God is now making it official; the Jews are his chosen people. Furthermore, God is now proclaiming he is upset with the way Christians portray him.
“You read the Old Testament and I am an all fearing and powerful God and then you get to the New Testament and I get all soft,” God said. “When did I ever say I loved everyone? Jesus was always putting words in my mouth.”
God said he misses the time when people were so fearful of him; they would sacrifice their best lamb and their only virgin daughter for him.
“I know they say they are sacrificing a lamb to show their love but let’s be honest, it was in the fear of if they did not that I would burn down their village. Those where the good old days,” God said. “Where are the personally sacrifices for me? I am not talking about these mental struggles. I am talking about slapping your wife in my name.”
God said he may not show his anger as abruptly as he use to but he is still to be feared.
“In my old age I got tired of destroying whole cities. It was such hard work and in the end if I tore down Sodom or Gomorrah, they built Babylon. No, now I have more power with the afterlife,” God said. “The Christians did get the whole Hell thing right.”
God said when he hears someone using his name in vain or lying, instead of killing a beloved son or burning down their village, he laughs as he thinks of them burning in the eternal Lake of Fire.
“Yes, Hell is such sweet poetic justice,” God said.
God is confused by the Christians portrayal of him as an all loving God who also damns people to Hell.
“They preach about me loving everyone but then they go on about everyone but themselves being Hell bound,” God said. “Under the New Testament’s teaching, I am a Hippie and peace loving being, so how could I damn people to Hell? According to these people I should be welcoming Nazis into the pearly gates with flowers and hugs.”
God said the way Christians speak of him is appalling.
“If they would just stop at me damning everyone to Hell, then we’d have something to talk about but no, they have to make me a damn pussy with all that talk about love,” God said. “Where are the whole chapters about me throwing Pontius Pilot and Romans into the fire pit? If they had just added the book according to Chuck Norris, then those Christians would be saved.”
God claims he never said the Christians were his chosen people for a reason and he holds a special spot for them in Hell.
“It’s in between the gays and the unborn fetuses,” God said. “Yeah unfortunately fetuses are not heaven bound; I can’t spend all eternity with something which barely has a brain and wasn’t baptized.”
God also praises the Jews who are the only religion which keeps holy the Sabbath, held every Saturday not Sunday.
“Heaven is exclusively for the Jews. I know they don’t believe in an afterlife, but it’s kind of an added bonus after a whole life of worshiping me properly,” God said. “Besides I promised them they were my chosen people, I can’t turn my back on them now.”
God said Christians do stand a chance if they put down the, “Hippie crosses” and burn their favorite gerbil in his name.
“You can stop preaching about your all loving and powerful God. All I want is the power,” God said. “And for my sakes, eat a kosher meal once in a while and lay off the shrimp.” 

Friday, July 13, 2012

Samson tests positive for steroids

B.C. Olympic News


Samson has now tested positive for steroids after years of claiming his strength came from his hair.

After years of speculation Samson admits he indeed did take steroids and his hair was only a fabricated lie he created to cover his tracks.
“Yes, it is true I have taken HGH,” Samson said. “It wasn’t the hair at all and I send my sincere apologies for any kind of pain or grief my actions might have caused.”
Samson for years said his strength came from his long locks of brown hair but the HGH was found in Samson’s system after he was required to take a drug test during the Olympic Trials.
Samson was supposed to compete with the Israeli weight lifting team in the 2012 London Games which many are saying he was forced to resign from.
“I am resigning from my position on the team,” Samson said. “I am respecting the wishes of my teammates and will step down as team captain and will not compete in this year’s Olympics."
Samson has been accused of taking steroids for years with many people trying to find direct evidence to convict him.
A few years back the Delilah was hired by the Philistines to find out if Samson was on steroids which began the rumors on the strength coming from his hair.
Delilah befriended Samson and worked undercover trying to find the secret to his strength.
“They suspected steroids from the beginning and were displeased after Samson went on a slaughtering streak through their country,” Delilah said. “Sure some of those people probably deserved Samson’s wrath but some of them were just in the barbarian’s way.”
The Philistines were determined to find steroids in Samson’s possession and paid Delilah in cash.
Delilah came back with various different results, at one pointed citing Samson will lose his power if bound with new ropes or with fresh bowstrings.
“It turns out Samson just really like bondage,” Delilah said. “I hate to say it but I am a sucker for it as well.”
Samson admits he told these lies to Delilah to throw her off the case and to “get some on the side.”
“Some girls believe anything you tell them but Delilah was her own breed of stupid and let’s face it, she enjoyed the whole ropes and bowstring bondage as much as I did,” Samson said.
After months of questioning from Delilah, Samson thought it best to save himself by cutting his hair and getting off the steroids.
“I thought I could blame my sudden lack of strength on my hair now being short,” Samson admitted. Samson recently went back on the HGH but forgot to consider the new drug testing required to compete in the Olympics.
“I got off the roids and was doing alright but I missed being able to carry cars on my back and throwing the brats in my neighborhood over rooftops. Those were the things in life I cherished,” Samson said. "So I decided to give the steroids another go."
Samson said he has no regrets but is not looking forward to the punishment the Olympic officials have determined for him.
“It turns out doing steroids is punishable by stabbing out one’s eyes. That’s going to suck,” Samson said.
Samson is set to have his eyes out sometime next week by Philistines doctors. Samson has stated he plans on immediately lifting weights after the procedure and finding a guide dog.
“I’m hoping for a Rottweiler,” Samson said.   
Some of his fans are hoping for a comeback and feel he has been wrongfully targeted for years.
“People have been after Samson for years. Sure HGH may have been in his system but come on he’s the best weight lifter in his class with or without the roids,” Guns in Babylon wrote on his Twitter page.
Samson is telling his friends to hold tight and keep him in their thoughts and prayers.
“This is not the end for me. I don’t need to see to be able to lift weights,” Samson said. “Don’t worry I’ll be back stronger than ever before you know it.”

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Adam and Eve file for divorce

(From left to right) Eve and Adam during their days in the Garden of Eden.

News from Above Reporter

At around 10 a.m. today Adam and Eve announced their divorce on the steps outside of heaven.
“We were a match made in heaven but I guess even heaven can only last so long,” Eve said. "With a man like Adam, heaven is about as long as it takes to eat an apple."
Both of their lawyers were present with Michael the Arch Angel representing Adam and Jonah of Arch representing Eve.
Adam and Eve are the longest known couple, being together since the beginning of time and are more commonly known for the mishap in the Garden of Eden.
The grounds for their divorce are “irreconcilable differences,” according to Heaven County Court documents.
“We gave it a try but no matter how many years went by Adam still blamed me for us being banished from the Garden of Eden,” Eve said. “Get over it. Maybe if someone had bothered to tell me not to eat the fruit, it would be a different story.”
Adam said he has done a lot for Eve and is tired of his charity and efforts going unnoticed.
“How’s that rib working for you Eve?” Adam asked.
As far as not telling Eve of the no eating of fruit from the Tree of Life Policy, Adam says she never asked.
“If a snake you’ve never seen before and by the way is talking to you, suggests eating from the tree why not ask me about it first?” Adam stated. “I wish I had given her half of my brain.”
Adam does admit he too ate the fruit but said it was due to the peer pressure.
“Look I’m sorry I took the fruit but she had the first bite and she said she could see things in a new light,” Adam said. “The way she was looking at me, I wanted to see her like that.”
Adam only wishes he still could still see Eve like he did after his first bite.
“If her boobs were still that perky, I think we could have made it,” Adam said.
Even Eve admits the first bite of fruit opened her eyes to a new world.
“He was packing,” Eve said. “Man was he packing.”
Though Eve said she grew tired of Adam’s whining and constant complaining about no longer being in the Garden of Eden.
“I don’t know what he’s complaining about,” Eve said. “So he now has to work in the fields. I’m the one shoving babies out without the aid of a pain killer. Let’s see him birth a baby. Then he can complain.”
Eve is tired of feeling guilty and is ready to move on with her life.
“It’s that damn Catholic guilt Adam keeps ramming me with. Every time a woman screams while in labor, he suggests I write an apology letter to her,” Eve said. "Perhaps he should write an apology letter to the blue collar workers of the world."
Eve is done with primitive men for now.
“Adam, being the first man has a lot of flaws. He was completely lost on the whole deodorant thing,” Eve said.  “Today I am announcing my relationship with Sarah, wife of Abraham. She smells really pretty.”
Adam was not shocked to hear of Eve’s new found love and said he too is moving on.
“I met Mary Magdalene at the Bible Class reunion and man is she a card,” Adam said. “I gave her my digits and we’ve been on a few dates.”
Adam said Mary is not like Eve at all.
“She’s a lady,” Adam said. “She has new traditions and customs that I wasn’t even aware of. For instance after every date, I give her a $50. Eve never made me give her money. I feel as if I am a modern man now.”
Adam and Eve’s assets have yet to be divided but it speculated Eve will get full custody of Cain and Abel.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Titanic tribute ship shows off its top-notch third class treatment

RMS Times

While first class passengers aboard the MS Balmoral, enjoyed caviar and five course meals similar to the ones served during the fatal Titanic’s maiden and only voyage, third class passengers had their own equally worthy meals for peons, kidney pie and fricassee rabbit.
The MS Balmoral sailed from Liverpool on April 12, tracking the Titanic exact route as a memorial for the 100th anniversary of the ship's sinking which killed between 1,490 and 1,635 people. 
"What better way to commemorate the anniversary of a ship who yields about a 32 percent survival rating than to track its footsteps?" Captain John Fry asked. "This time though, we're planning on making it all the way to New York and if not we have enough life boats for at the very least the first and half of the second class passengers."
The Balmoral went the extra mile by separating their passengers into first, second and third class living quarters and also requiring all third class passengers to go through a health inspection before boarding the vessel.
"We don't want a lice infestation leaking into the second or first class cabins," Fry said. 
The third class passengers received moderately good care which is more than most immigrants and the poor are use to.
“I can’t believe they actually fed us,” Penelope Kidder, a third class passenger said. “That was a really nice surprise.”
The third class passengers said the facilities were amazing considering they were given beds and did not have to sleep on the floor.
The rooms also featured electric lighting and a water basin for washing instead of a small bucket filled with cold water.
“I could not believe as a third class passenger, I was given a room and not just locked down in steerage without light,” Kidder said. “It’s a real honor to be able to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Titanic’s sinking in such style.”
The first and second class passengers were just glad they were not forced to mingle with the dirty immigrants.
“It’s like they’re not even on the ship,” Renee Fielder, a first class passenger said. “It’s also a comfort to know someone is keeping the rats company and away from the first class cabins.”
Third class passengers said the rats were high quality vermin and not carriers of cholera or eosinophilic meningitis.
There were however some reports of third class passengers catching typhus but ship medics said it is unclear if the small outbreak was from the rodents or from the passengers' general grubbiness.
“It’s hard to tell where the typhus came from. You could say it was from the rats but in the end who is dirtier the third class or the rats?” Gregory June, the head doctor on Balmoral asked. “It’s a tough call.”
Even the Balmoral’s sick passengers still seem to be pleased with the service of the ship.
“I can’t believe I actually got seen by a doctor,” Selma McDerman said. “To top it off the third class’ medical office only had a few blood stains on the mattresses which I was told were old as they were bought used.”
Many third passengers also enjoyed the gates where they could see the halls leading to the nicer first and second class areas.
“Even if I couldn't reach them I could at least see something. Other ships would just have locked doors,” Kidder said.
Third class passengers even had outdoor privileges on the same deck where the first and second class dogs were aloud to wander.
All third class passengers sailed in the styles of 1912 with women in plain and homely dresses and men in their stained long johns and khaki colored paints held on by suspenders.
“I thought some third class passengers might have had a suit even if it was older and worn but after watching James Cameron’s Titanic, it was clear to me there was only one way a third class man dressed,” George Seaman said.
When it came time to commemorate the Titanic’s sinking at around 2:20 a.m. on April 15 all the first and second class passengers were called on deck for a moment of silence as they dropped several flower-filled wreathes into the waters. The third class passengers were told they would have their chance after the first and second class were taken care of.
“When we finally got up to deck, it was about an hour later and we dropped bread crumbs into the water,” Kidder said. “Also we didn’t get exactly a moment of silence as the first class passengers were drinking and partying in the ballroom but it was close enough.”
All third class passengers said they felt they were treated above normal.
“I could not have asked for better treatment as a third class passenger,” Kidder said. “The Balmoral made me feel as if there was a lower fourth class hidden somewhere beneath the ship.”

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Jesus is proclaimed lord of hide-and-seek

International Hide-and-Seek Chronical

The International Hide-and-Seek Organization (IHSO) is awarding Jesus with an honor for his hide-and-seek skills.
"If we can find him, we will be awarding Jesus with the Champion of Hide-and-Seek plaque and crown," George McFollin, president of IHSO said. "I mean this guy really is the master and lord of hide-and-seek. My four year old wishes she had his mad skills."
Jesus is being called by many, the "master of hide-and-seek." Stories about finding Jesus have been sweeping the internet and have been heard inside churches for years.
An image of what is engraved on the plaque Jesus will be receiving
for his "mad skills" of hide-and-seek.
David Brown, a 20 year old going to the University of Miami claims he found Jesus as he was about to take a shower in his fraternity house before his morning class.
"I pulled back the curtain and this man was standing there as I am standing there with my bare ass to the wind and I screamed," Brown said. "Jesus grinned at me and he said, 'You found me'."
Brown said he stood there in shock as Jesus "giggled like a sorority girl." It was then that Jesus ran into the kitchen and began counting.
"He said it was my turn to hide now," Brown said. "I heard him counting in the kitchen and I just thought maybe I wasn't quite over my acid trip but when I came out of the bathroom a half an hour later he was waiting for me."
Jesus stood outside the bathroom door and waited for the door to open. According to Brown when he opened the door Jesus said he was a horrible hider.
"He said 'Wow you're an easy find. Well you're it now.' He then ran down the hall and I haven't seen him since," Brown said.
Brown said several of his fraternity's alumni have reported finding Jesus after they graduated college.
"I've heard legends of Jesus playing hide-and-seek but now I am a true believer," Brown said.
Brown is not the only one reporting to find Jesus during a game of hide-and-seek. Jesus is appearing worldwide hiding behind trees, cardboard boxes and underneath blankets at homeless shelters.
Sightings are being reported from such places as London, England,  New York City and Beijing, China.
Alena Muroch, 54 years old from Moscow, Russia, said she found Jesus underneath a pile of dirty laundry.
"I was picking up my laundry off my bedroom floor when I grab what I thought was my white sheet, turns out it was Jesus' robe," Muroch said.
Muroch said Jesus jumped up in the same excitement and happy demeanor as when Brown found him.
"He kept saying 'You found me. You found me.'," Muroch said. "I was shocked and I must admit a little confused. I had no idea I was playing the game. It's not everyday you find Jesus."
Muroch said Jesus soon found her hanging laundry in the basement about an hour later.
"Jesus looked at me with his deep brown eyes and said, 'You call this hiding?' He then said I was 'it' and left," Muroch said.
Harold Brock, once a New York City homeless man who now runs a McDonald's franchise outside the city, found Jesus in a dumpster outside of Luigi's Pizza Shop.
"I was looking for scraps of food when Jesus sprang up from underneath a pile of empty pizza boxes. He said, 'I found you' and I have to admit it scared me," Brock said. "At first I thought he was going to call the police and I began to ran."
Brock said he thought perhaps it was Luigi himself cracking down on the homeless behind his shop.
Brock claims Jesus yelled after him, "That's right it's your turn to hide but don't worry I'll find you. The finding part is what I'm good at."
Brock ran to the Sacred Heart Homeless Shelter, where he decided to get a bite to eat and gather what had just happened to him.
"I thought about who had jumped out at me and I knew it wasn't the owner of the shop," Brock said. "Then I thought about his clothes, a white robe with a red sash coming down his right shoulder and that's when it hit me, I found Jesus."
Brock said it did not take long to confirm his discovery as there was a picture of Jesus painted on the shelter's walls and the painting was uncanny to the man he saw underneath the pizza boxes.
"Jesus then found me later that night as I was sleeping," Brock said. "I opened up my eyes and saw him looking down on me with that crazy grin of his."
Jesus told Brock he was now "it" again and then summed up his search for Brock as the "hardest bugger to find yet."
According to Brock Jesus was very impressed with his hiding skills.
"As Jesus was leaving he said I'll have to save you for another day," Brock said. "So I guess Jesus saved me."
Brock said he has not seen Jesus since but he did manage to find a job through the homeless shelter and eventually found a job at a McDonalds where he rose to the top.
"You know, being homeless and all, I've seen some crazy shit in my lifetime but nothing quite tops my game of hide-and-seek with Jesus," Brock said. "I found Jesus and didn't even know I was looking. Now that's a champ."

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

God says it's not global warming, it's menopause

A picture Earth taken from NASA's Hasselblad Camera. Although Earth my look normal, God says her inner hormones are going haywire as she enters menopause.
The Light Years New Herald

God has released a statement declaring scientist are wrong about global warming and claims the earth is simply going through menopause.
"Those weird change in weather patterns, those are merely hot flashes and mood swings," God said.
God said although the menopause is unpleasant and could be a game changer in the world's climate, he still sees earth's adolescent stage as the epitome of out of control.
"You could not pay me to relive those days," God said. "Every month another volcano erupted and earthquakes were started just by looking at her the wrong way."
God said there was even a long lasting argument between the earth and sun which caused the ice age.
"The sun just couldn't put up with the earth's immatureness. He shined on the earth but only at a safe and far distance," God said.
God said at least the Earth is dealing with her menopause in somewhat of a more mature manner.
"As of right now, nothing has gone extinct," God said. "Those poor dinosaurs. I really like the brutes. They were quite entertaining."
Earth refused to comment on her menopause but God said that is to be expected.
"She really has always been rather shy and when it comes to something this personal, you'd be more successful making Pluto a planet again," God said.
Although God is concerned with the way Earth is dealing with her menopause.
"I thought after the industrial revolution I was sure she was done with her chain smoking," God said.
It appears not only is Earth refusing to take mood altering hormones, she is also back to inhaling the Carbon Dioxide.
"Don't get me wrong, Earth has never fully given up smoking but she was down to a pack a day at one point," God said.
God said she really hit rock bottom when Mars went through a mid-life crisis and broke off their 5,679 year marriage last month.
"Her precipitation has gone up. She just cannot stop crying," God said. "She's been watching Steel Magnolias and eating whole boxes of chocolate for two weeks straight."
God claims Mars and Earth have had a pretty rocky relationship.
"They've been on again off again since the Cretaceous Period," God said. "They should have never gotten married."
Mars said he was tired of Earth and her constant complaining.
"She kept on telling me she misses the Mars that had water," Mars said. "Well I gave up the water gig millenniums ago honey. Sorry I got sick and tired of pesticides growing on me and leaching off of every resource I had."
Mars said he is no longer on the same page as Earth and he says although God believes it is the menopause, he has another theory.
"She's been nuts for years," Mars said. "That broad has been on the brink of a mental breakdown ever since Rome was defeated but you know what? I stuck with her but enough is enough sweetheart."
Mars is rumored to be currently dating the Black Hole but nothing has been confirmed.
"Am I dating? That's for me to know and for Earth not to find out," Mars said. "The last time she caught me cheating, Pangaea split. I hate to be the reason for L.A. sinking or the Rockies finally erupting."
God said Earth will move on but until then he is trying to convince her to take some "much needed hormones and anti-depressants."
Earth keeps telling God she his healing through natural remedies but God is skeptical whether her route is even natural or just an excuse to be lazy and unresponsive.
"Earth keeps on talking about taking the natural route to curing her menopause and depression. I don't call cigarettes and a tub of Ben and Jerry's natural but whatever," God said. "I guess she'll heal in her own time as for those who inhabit her, perhaps you'll have better luck than the dinosaurs."

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Mary of Nazareth asks for restitution from deadbeat dad

The A.D. Times

Mary of Nazareth is suing God for years of unpaid child support. Mary claims she birthed and raised God's only son, Jesus with not even so much as a thank you.
"For 30 years, Jesus has lived under my roof, eaten my food and has been clothed by me and all without the support of his deadbeat dad," Mary said.
The Court of Nazareth said God only owes Mary 14 years of backed up child support not the 30 she was striving to receive.
"It is clear God owes Mary some sort of reimbursement but under law it would only be for the first 14 years of life because after that Jesus is now an adult and should be married to virgin bride instead of sucking his mother of her assets," The Honorable Judge Gregory of Bethlehem said.
Upon hearing of Gregory's ruling God fully objected.
"I gave her a gift damn it, God's only son. Where's my thank you?" God said. "It was a painless birth and as for me saying thank you, I'm pretty sure eternal salvage is pretty big ass thank you."
God said Mary is ungrateful for everything he has ever done for her.
"I chose her because I thought she would be a submissive mother," God said. "No wonder [Mary's husband] Joseph checked out early. If I could die, my heart attack would have come years ago."
Mary said she thinks God is over reacting and has never fully appreciate her sacrifice.
"I'm ungrateful? Give me a break my precious Lord," Mary said. "How would you like an angel telling your virgin self she is going to pop out a kid. I didn't even get to have any fun before giving birth. Waking up pregnant; how's that for fair?"
Mary said he could have at least given her a taste of the conception.
Furthermore Mary said her body has never fully healed after the birth of Jesus.
"It might have been a painless birth but let me tell you it wasn't exactly a picnic giving birth to Jesus," Mary said. "Painless? Yes. Comfortable? You should ask the shepherds and all the pilate in the world would never put my stomach back to the way it used to be."
Mary is asking for full restitution from the damage the pregnancy did to her body.
Mary said she was also never given full instruction on how to raise Jesus to be the son of God.
"Lets not forget the years of cultivating Jesus to be a carpenter and then he decides he'd rather talk to large crowds on a mountain top and walk on water," Mary said. "I did not want to raise a politician."
Mary said Joseph spent hours trying to teach Jesus to make cabinets and tables.
"I love my son but the whole carpenter lifestyle was just too much for him," Mary said. "He came home with broken thumbs numerous times. The kid just could not use a hammer and did I ever see a penny for hospital bills from his father? I think not."
God said he was always watching his son and he thought that was good enough.
"I was there in spirit. Give me a break I have a whole world to run here," God said. "He had Joseph for Christ sakes!"
Mary said we all have issues and business to deal with but it is not an excuse to leave your son without knowing his true father.
"It's an identity crisis," Mary said. "Every time I hear God gripe I feel like playing him the song 'Cat's Cradle.' In the end like father, like son they both eventually abandoned me but at least Jesus could keep his hands to himself."
Judge Gregory has not released the full amount God owes Mary but an amount is to be calculated and revealed to God sometime next week.