Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Riding alone still entices Hitler to tag along



LIZZY BIBBS
International Freelance Reporter



The old American propaganda poster as seen in the 1940s.


As gas prices remain in the average of $3.31 per gallon for nationwide, historians and researches are saying the old World War II propaganda mantra, “If you ride alone, you ride with Hitler,” has never been more true.


Researchers are coming out saying those who choose not to carpool are actually hitching a ride with Adolf Hitler who is just really bored in the afterlife.

Yes, Hitler has been dead for almost 70 years, but it does not make it none the less true; he is a stowaway in our motor vehicles,” Robert Bockman, professor at the University of Orlando said.


Bockman discovered Hitler on his lone car ride to work one day.


I kept smelling a distinct odor of Scho-ka-cola and Nazi,” Bockman said.


Bockman said it appears Hitler's spirit has survived due to the many experimental tests his doctors performed on him to cure his Parkinson which is believed to have been caused by his exposure to mustard gas in the World War I trenches.


We think it's the many different treatments that were tested on him at the time such as mercury, opiates, cocaine, barbiturates, leeches for his vertigo, tonics and useless hormones. Some of the treatments supposedly also caused his schizophrenia,” Bockman said. “We essentially have an aging crazy spirit among our mist. It's not the most pleasant of experiences.”


After five years of research with his graduate students, Bockman said they found Hitler's spirit is merely bored and he's looking for new places to travel and new youth to corrupt.


It also appears Hitler has given up on Germany.


The Germans can ride alone as much as they please,” Bockman said. “It appears after they banned the swastika, Hitler had no interest in the county.”


Hitler was disappointed with the Germany's “decent” into capitalism and their banning of the swastika which is actually a Celtic symbol for unity.


Hitler says he doesn't understand their strong stance against the country's unity,” Bockman said. “He sees it as discrimination against the Aryan Race.”


Hitler's spirit has proven to be as weak as his height but he is still out and about trying to send out his message. Many drivers who find Hitler as their passenger find their radios changing stations to classical music many times a Beethoven piece can be heard or Nietzsche on tape.


I was jamming to Katy Perry when the station became fuzzy and it turned into Beethoven's Ninth Symphony which eventually became The Dawn by Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche narrated by Christrian Slater,” George Montgomery, a New York Wall Street worker said.


Hitler has been appearing in CEO’s and TV personalities vehicle across the states and reports have been made of Andy Coulson having in depth propaganda discussions with the former F├╝hrer.


Yes, Hitler is dead physically but he's still rolling in his grave,” Bockman said. “He's rolling in his crazy grave which so happens to be the empty passenger seat in your car.”


However providing a seat for Hitler also provides new hope for the Aryan Race.


We discovered that for every three vehicles that only had a driver and no passengers, a skin head gave birth,” Bockman said. “To make matters worse, for every 40 lone drivers, Aryan twins are birthed and one Jew, Gypsy and hoarder dies.”


Unfortunately even though Hitler spirit has survived he has failed to update his vocabulary and a hoarder to him refers to those who hide the non-Aryan persons. It appears a surprising number of deceased cat ladies and men who just can't bear to part with every newspaper and empty jar of peanut butter they've encountered have been reported.


It appears hoarders are dying at an alarming rate,” Bockman said. “In California alone, the number of hoarders dead in the past year has jumped up by 38 percent.”


Bockman thinks the only solution is to find a carpool buddy and not just for your work needs but for your weekends and days off as well.


We urge all those who continue to refuse to ride with other people, to make friends at work, their local bar or even a with the neighborhood hobo. Perhaps they can just develop a silent riding partner,” Bockman said. “Plus as a perk to it all, you'll be able to ride in the Hitler free carpool lane.”

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Legend of Tom Turkey lives on



The legend of Tom Turkey may have been forgotten in many house's but not the Long Family's house where to this day they vow to track him down.
LIZZIE BIBBS
Plymouth Times

As turkey, mash potatoes and pumpkin pie begin filling in, the Thanksgiving tradition of family and the ideas of pilgrims and indians come to mind. However there are some turkey day traditions which seem to have been long forgotten.
David Long professor of history at Adrian University has come out with a new book all about a Tom Turkey.
Tom Turkey is a tradition from a time long forgotten when children stayed up late on Thanksgiving Eve waiting to have a shot at slaughtering the legionary seven and two quarters foot turkey.
"As legend goes, if the turkey was caught and cut opened you'd have the most wondrous Thanksgiving Dinner filled with all the trimmings and enough food to feed an entire city," Long said.
The Legend of Tom Turkey says the meal is beyond perfect with turkey, yams, potatoes, pumpkin rolls and wine.
"The magical thing about Tom is the meal is already prepared too, no cooking involved," Long said. "His stomach has been keeping the meal warm for all these years and the wine is aged and fermented to perfection."
Long himself has memories of long sleepless nights with a shotgun in hand waiting for a slight gobble in the night.
"My family was quite old school," Long said. "My dad had hunted for Tom as a child and although most of our neighbors were not aware of the folklore, our family refused to let it die."
Long said the origins of Tom Turkey dates back to the Native Americans who told the pilgrims about Tom and the belly full of plenty.
Long said the idea of catching Tom became a childhood obsession.
"My siblings and I would arm ourselves with butcher knives and arrows, spears, guns and whatever else we could find and hide underneath the kitchen table," Long said.
Long even remembers placing a net trap by the kitchen door.
"We only caught my dad as he was making his way for a midnight snack," Long said.
Long said the closest his siblings got was in 1983 when they heard the large stomps of a large clawed figurer.
"We came close," Long said. "We heard him walking which caused all four of us to awake. We came out from beneath the table I shot him as my siblings prepared to hurl their blunt objects at the creature."
Long said the bullet did not him directly just brushed by his side.
"After the shot rang, we heard the longest and loudest gobble gobble imaginable and Tom disappeared right in front of our eyes," Long said. "But a small pile of multicolored feathers were where he once stood."
Long still has the feathers in box he keeps in a bank security deposit box and his childhood home still has the gun shot going through the kitchen wall and into the living room.
Long is preparing for this year with a large bear trap and freshly sharpened knives.
"Some people said the tradition of Tom is long gone because it was all an elaborate lie but I know the truth. How else could those feathers appear?" Long asks. "I believe someday Tom will appear again and a feast beyond your wildest imagination will be had."

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Disney World sees progress in mouse problem


The mouse Disney World has been fetching to catch for almost four decades seen here with his girlfriend a few days before his demise. 

Lizzie Bibbs
Small World Times

Walt Disney World has announced they are finally making progress with their mouse infestation problems.
"We killed the ring leader of the mouse following," Robert A. Iger, CEO and president of the Walt Disney Company said.
For years a six foot mouse has been feeding off half eaten pizzas and ice cream bars thrown away by tourists. The mouse was killed when they placed a car bomb in his red Mustang Convertible.
"I know it's amazing to think a mouse of his size and girth would take 39 years to be caught but he was sneaky one," Iger said. "There were time when he would leave decoys of himself around the park."
Iger said the mouse was no ordinary mouse as he built himself an actual house and rode around in exclusive cars, mostly convertibles.
The mouse even had a following of tourists who would seek him out to get a picture with him.
"I am kind of sad to learn of his death," Brenda Gafoner, a tourists at the park said. "I was hoping my kids could see him. I even brought some Gouda with me. I heard he liked the fancier cheeses."
The tourist over the years began to see the mouse as an unofficial mascot even giving him the name Mickey.
Some tourists are holding candle light vigils in honor of the mouse outside the park's gates, others seem to be happy with the news.
"I wouldn't let my kids near him even if he was alive," Gretchen Dubcheck said. "Mice are dirty rodents. Who knows where he's been."
The workers at Disney seemed to add an extra hop to their step as they came to work after the news of Mickey's death.
"There were times when people would come to me not for my picture but asking where the mouse was. 'Where's Mickey? Where's Mickey?'" Angelica Babcock, one of Disney World's Cinderellas said. "I mean the castle was built for me not the mouse, me. Good riddance."
Iger said the friendly face and smile was all a visage of who Mickey really was.
"This mouse was pure evil. I saw him yell at and taunt our dog Pluto and make sarcastic remarks towards Goofy," Iger said. "And that girl mouse is none the better. We're hoping she leaves after his death but if not then the mouse hunt will proceed."
Iger said the female mouse is easily spotted as she wears a ribbon on her head.
"We haven't seen her as of yet," Iger said. "She's probably in mourning after all she was catered to by that mouse."
Besides Mickey's annoying demeanor, the Disney Corporation said the killing of the mouse was also a matter of public health and safety.
"If it was just his ego, that would be one thing. We deal with egos everyday, but mice breed sickness," Iger said."We are currently doing an autopsy on him and we expect to find him harboring multiple diseases."
Unofficial reports say the Black Plague was found on his paws.
The Disney World ground crews have tried a number of tactics over the years to catch Mickey the Mouse each one displaying the smarts and wits of the mouse.
"We tried everything from poison laced cheese to 10 foot mousetraps," Iger said. "The mousetrap proved disastrous after it caught and killed 60 tourist as they were making their way to the Swiss Family Robinson Tree House and as for the cheese, I'd rather not talk about it."
In the end Iger said it wasn't about luring him into a trap, it was about trapping him at his own game.
"The whole time we were sending poisoned laced crackers and cakes to his house or placing traps throughout the park. He was too smart for that," Iger said. "We had to catch him off guard in a place he felt completely safe."
Iger said within an hour of the mouse's death, they saw a decrease in the rodent population by 40 percent.
There have been similar mouse sightings at Disney Land and Iger said they hope the killing of the Disney World's mouse will send a message to all other mice who might be living in their other parks worldwide.
"We're sending a message to the rodent community," Iger said. "You can run but you can't hide."
There are some who say with the killing of Mickey, they may never step foot into another Disney theme park for as long as they live but the Disney Corporation does not see it as a loss. They stated they will gain more visitors with their rodent problem now under control.
"Some say this is a sad day," Iger said. "I on the other hand, see it as a new clean day for Disney Parks."

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The Anti-Christ Finds Christ, has denounced his role in the end of the world


LIZZY BIIBS
The News from Below


The anti-Christ has officially resigned himself of his duties as of yesterday afternoon at the tender age of 16.
“I've been saved and have accepted Jesus as my lord and savior,” The anti-Christ (AC) said who for obvious reasons would like to remain anonymous.
The AC said at first he embraced his responsibility reeking havoc on his preschool class and creating a rebellion at his elementary school which involved the hostage of the principal and two administrators.
Just last year the AC got half his high school class to try crystal meth and there is rumor in the afterlife of the AC having a role in the 2010 BP oil spill off the Golf Coast.
Satan had thought for sure he had finally found his protege.
"I thought I couldn't go wrong," Satan said. "Everything was working out so well. I must say this is the earliest retirement I've ever seen."
The AC said finding Jesus has changed his life.
“For years I've been prepped for the end of the world but I've called the horses off,” the AC said. “I really hate the heat so I just don't see how Hell was ever a perfect fit for me to stay for all of eternity. Don't get me wrong I like a little sun but a nice breeze is always welcomed.”
The AC plans on spending the rest of his time on earth feeding the homeless in an undisclosed soup kitchen.
“I kind of like it here. The people are friendly and the food's not all that bad either,” the AC said.
After hearing word of the AC's announcement, Satan had this to say, “It does disappoint me but I still have faith in him after all even Christ himself said he didn't want to die for all humanities sins. Christ came around and so will my son.”
Satan has been trying to talk with the AC but to no avail.
"I really wish the best for Satan. I really do but I must move on now," the AC said. 
Some have said it is proof of God's good nature. God however said he has nothing to do with the transformation.
“As of right now I'm satisfied with the anti-Christ's choice to go on the straight and narrow but I gave everyone the power of freewill angels, demons, humans and yes even the anti-Christ. That's one thing Satan can't take away,” God said. “I can hope he doesn't stray but that's not up to me.”
Satan as of right now has chalk it all up to crazy adolescent hormones.
“You know we've all been there. Those crazy adolescent years,” Satan said. “I created Hell and he has chosen to disown me. I guess we're really one in the same.”
When asked about the end of the world Satan seemed to still hold on to hope.
“Oh it'll happen,” Satan said. “Whether it's this anti-Christ or I bring in my 40th anti-Christ it will happen make no mistake about it.”
Satan said it takes time to plan such a huge event like the apocalypse.
“This isn't like your annual Christmas Party. I've been planning ever since the 20th anniversary of Christ's death. Each one seems so promising but believe me the time will come,” Satan stated.
Satan still sees the possibility of this Anti-Christ bringing home the goods of the end of the world.
“I personally think it could happen tomorrow if the anti-Christ would get some sense knocked into him but then again it might happen two million years from now. Who am I to say,” Satan said.
Satan said if this AC does not pan through he will try again.
“I think next time I might try to plant the next anti-Christ in the Arctic far away from any other life form until he is in his prime,” Satan said. "I've heard the it's to hot in Hell excuse too many times and this is the second time I've lost a son to the homeless.”
Satan said by placing his next AC in the arctic a little heat in the afterlife will be surely welcomed.
God said he has no worries about the end of the world and likes to let the tides flow as they will.
“No matter what, I'll have my TiVo set to Earth,” God said. “I'm really hooked to the network.”

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Chickens for pro-life strike in front of egg farm


Chickens from four different farms have now become pro-life advocates and are protesting in front of the Garrette's Farm.

LIZZIE BIBBS
Iowa Farm Exponent 

Local free range chickens have begun a pro-life protest outside of the Garratte poultry farm. 
The Garratte Farm is famous for range free eggs sold at many local markets including the Whole Foods located on West Avenue.
"I let them roam free because I thought it was the right thing to do. Maybe I gave them too much freedom," Joseph Garrette said.
The chickens began gathering late last week starting with around ten chickens camping out but soon word got around and now between 30 to 40 chickens, mostly female are clucking outside the gates of the farm.
Three roosters have joined, Pecker, Reddy and Grommit all three are rumored to have fathered more than 100 chicks in the past year alone.
Police are on full watch with the protesters, wearing their rally gear and keeping the chickens in line.
"I had one hen try to peck me last night," Officer Robert Soho said. "Let's just say she's no longer a free range chicken."
The officers said they understand the chickens first amendments rights but they are not aloud onto the Garratte's property and were told they could only protest on the land between the road and the ditch.
Signs reading, "It's my egg not your 'bawk'" and "I don't eat your eggs" are what the Garratte family wakes up to each morning since the protest began.
"This is the first time I've ever heard them complain," Garratte said. "Unfortunately I have to feed my family and the eggs we eat are before life has even formed."
The chickens are on the other side of the fence and say once an egg is laid, that's the beginning of life.
Many protesters have been standoffish to the media clucking the other way or avoiding eye contact, but one brave hen has chosen to speak with the help of the only local who is fluent in chicken clucks, Ron Potter.
"I lay at least one egg a day and out of those eggs I maybe see 13 of those get fertilized by Grommit our head rooster," Clucky the hen from two farms down said. "I am a pro-lifer and I believe every egg is sacred."
Farm Herman Yessie said if he were to have Grommit fertilize every egg, his farm would be overrun by chickens.
"I have about 50 hens, well I guess about 27 now that some of them run off with this pro-life movement," Yessie said. "If all those hens' eggs were to hatch into chicks, there would be overcrowding and lets be honest those hens can't take care of that many chicks."
Yessie said the hens would expect him to take care of the chicks.
“Then when the chicks become hens and roosters, I'll be the one who has to feed and a whole new cycle of new chicks would be born and I'll be again stuck with them. It'd be never ending and in the end who suffers, me. I will suffer because they eat off of my handouts,” Yessie said.
Yessie said his hens spend most of their days begging for food and chasing around Sparky their dog.
"They're pecking the hand that feeds them," Yessie said.
Yessie also points out the farmers court case McDonald versus Cleveland which settles their right to eat the hens' egg.
"We settle this over 30 years ago," Yessie said. "The court clearly gives us the right to chose which eggs are eaten and which are left to fertilization."
The protesting hens are trying to overturn the ruling some even wearing red tape across their beaks with the word LIFE written in black chicken scratch.
Clucky said she would like to be able to make the decision of how many chicks she can raise up to God.
"I'm a grown hen and I can handle more than Mr. Yessie thinks," Clucky said. "If it becomes too much there are a few schools down the road I can take my chicks too."
Clucky was at one time all for the notion of eating eggs but life took a different turn a few years ago.
"I found Jesus and I realized if God wants me to fertilize 365 eggs a year and raise them, then I can do that," Clucky said.
Clucky said it is a barbaric ritual the way the eggs are tossed aside and left to the cartons where they await their fate to be eaten with a side of bacon.
When asked how Yessie is suppose to find the money to feed all those chicks Clucky was not so concerned.
"Everyone talks about finances. I don't speak in money's terms, I speak in God's terms and he will find Yessie a way to afford all those chicks," Clucky said. “As long as I'm able to lay eggs, those eggs should have the right to become chicks.”
Clucky said it's the eggs who are the real victims.
“The unhatched chicks don't have the voice to say, 'Don't eat me! Let me be fertilized!' Therefore I am their voice,” Cluckey said.
Clucky and the protesters plan on staying put until their demands are met.
"We want the right to life," Clucky said. "Take your hands off my eggs!"