God declares Jews are still his chosen people

LIZZIE BIBBS

Higher Ground Press

God is now making it official; the Jews are his chosen people. Furthermore, God is now proclaiming he is upset with the way Christians portray him.

“You read the Old Testament and I am an all fearing and powerful God and then you get to the New Testament and I get all soft,” God said. “When did I ever say I loved everyone? Jesus was always putting words in my mouth.”

God said he misses the time when people were so fearful of him; they would sacrifice their best lamb and their only virgin daughter for him.

“I know they say they are sacrificing a lamb to show their love but let’s be honest, it was in the fear of if they did not that I would burn down their village. Those where the good old days,” God said. “Where are the personally sacrifices for me? I am not talking about these mental struggles. I am talking about slapping your wife in my name.”

God said he may not show his anger as abruptly as he use to but he is still to be feared.

“In my old age I got tired of destroying whole cities. It was such hard work and in the end if I tore down Sodom or Gomorrah, they built Babylon. No, now I have more power with the afterlife,” God said. “The Christians did get the whole Hell thing right.”

God said when he hears someone using his name in vain or lying, instead of killing a beloved son or burning down their village, he laughs as he thinks of them burning in the eternal Lake of Fire.

“Yes, Hell is such sweet poetic justice,” God said.

God is confused by the Christians portrayal of him as an all loving God who also damns people to Hell.

“They preach about me loving everyone but then they go on about everyone but themselves being Hell bound,” God said. “Under the New Testament’s teaching, I am a Hippie and peace loving being, so how could I damn people to Hell? According to these people I should be welcoming Nazis into the pearly gates with flowers and hugs.”

God said the way Christians speak of him is appalling.

“If they would just stop at me damning everyone to Hell, then we’d have something to talk about but no, they have to make me a damn pussy with all that talk about love,” God said. “Where are the whole chapters about me throwing Pontius Pilot and Romans into the fire pit? If they had just added the book according to Chuck Norris, then those Christians would be saved.”

God claims he never said the Christians were his chosen people for a reason and he holds a special spot for them in Hell.

“It’s in between the gays and the unborn fetuses,” God said. “Yeah unfortunately fetuses are not heaven bound; I can’t spend all eternity with something which barely has a brain and wasn’t baptized.”

God also praises the Jews who are the only religion which keeps holy the Sabbath, held every Saturday not Sunday.

“Heaven is exclusively for the Jews. I know they don’t believe in an afterlife, but it’s kind of an added bonus after a whole life of worshiping me properly,” God said. “Besides I promised them they were my chosen people, I can’t turn my back on them now.”

God said Christians do stand a chance if they put down the, “Hippie crosses” and burn their favorite gerbil in his name.

“You can stop preaching about your all loving and powerful God. All I want is the power,” God said. “And for my sakes, eat a kosher meal once in a while and lay off the shrimp.” 

Riding alone still entices Hitler to tag along

LIZZY BIBBS

International Freelance Reporter

The old American propaganda poster as seen in the 1940s.

As gas prices remain in the average of $3.31 per gallon for nationwide, historians and researches are saying the old World War II propaganda mantra, “If you ride alone, you ride with Hitler,” has never been more true.

Researchers are coming out saying those who choose not to carpool are actually hitching a ride with Adolf Hitler who is just really bored in the afterlife.

“Yes, Hitler has been dead for almost 70 years, but it does not make it none the less true; he is a stowaway in our motor vehicles,” Robert Bockman, professor at the University of Orlando said.

Bockman discovered Hitler on his lone car ride to work one day.

“I kept smelling a distinct odor of Scho-ka-cola and Nazi,” Bockman said.

Bockman said it appears Hitler's spirit has survived due to the many experimental tests his doctors performed on him to cure his Parkinson which is believed to have been caused by his exposure to mustard gas in the World War I trenches.

“We think it's the many different treatments that were tested on him at the time such as mercury, opiates, cocaine, barbiturates, leeches for his vertigo, tonics and useless hormones. Some of the treatments supposedly also caused his schizophrenia,” Bockman said. “We essentially have an aging crazy spirit among our mist. It's not the most pleasant of experiences.”

After five years of research with his graduate students, Bockman said they found Hitler's spirit is merely bored and he's looking for new places to travel and new youth to corrupt.

It also appears Hitler has given up on Germany.

“The Germans can ride alone as much as they please,” Bockman said. “It appears after they banned the swastika, Hitler had no interest in the county.”

Hitler was disappointed with the Germany's “decent” into capitalism and their banning of the swastika which is actually a Celtic symbol for unity.

“Hitler says he doesn't understand their strong stance against the country's unity,” Bockman said. “He sees it as discrimination against the Aryan Race.”

Hitler's spirit has proven to be as weak as his height but he is still out and about trying to send out his message. Many drivers who find Hitler as their passenger find their radios changing stations to classical music many times a Beethoven piece can be heard or Nietzsche on tape.

“I was jamming to Katy Perry when the station became fuzzy and it turned into Beethoven's Ninth Symphony which eventually became The Dawn by Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche narrated by Christrian Slater,” George Montgomery, a New York Wall Street worker said.

Hitler has been appearing in CEO’s and TV personalities vehicle across the states and reports have been made of Andy Coulson having in depth propaganda discussions with the former Führer.

“Yes, Hitler is dead physically but he's still rolling in his grave,” Bockman said. “He's rolling in his crazy grave which so happens to be the empty passenger seat in your car.”

However providing a seat for Hitler also provides new hope for the Aryan Race.

“We discovered that for every three vehicles that only had a driver and no passengers, a skin head gave birth,” Bockman said. “To make matters worse, for every 40 lone drivers, Aryan twins are birthed and one Jew, Gypsy and hoarder dies.”

Unfortunately even though Hitler spirit has survived he has failed to update his vocabulary and a hoarder to him refers to those who hide the non-Aryan persons. It appears a surprising number of deceased cat ladies and men who just can't bear to part with every newspaper and empty jar of peanut butter they've encountered have been reported.

“It appears hoarders are dying at an alarming rate,” Bockman said. “In California alone, the number of hoarders dead in the past year has jumped up by 38 percent.”

Bockman thinks the only solution is to find a carpool buddy and not just for your work needs but for your weekends and days off as well.

“We urge all those who continue to refuse to ride with other people, to make friends at work, their local bar or even a with the neighborhood hobo. Perhaps they can just develop a silent riding partner,” Bockman said. “Plus as a perk to it all, you'll be able to ride in the Hitler free carpool lane.”