God said he could end the world if Jesus would learn to use a sword

LIZZIE BIBBS

Apocalypto Times

It seems as if every decade, another “End of the World” following begins. If it’s not a Jonestown cult, it’s the year 2000 or December 21, 2012. Yet each date has passed and as long you were not a member of the Heaven’s Gate or a similar cult following, the world is still spinning.

However God admits he’s been ready for the apocalypse for over 100 hundred years but it is Jesus who keeps holding him back.

“Jesus is supposed to be the leader of the apocalypse with his sword, but my son will not learn how to proper carry and use a sword,” God said.

Jesus said he does not see the point of learning how use a sword as it is no longer a cool form of weaponry unless you are filming a Tolkien movie.

“We’ve moved past the Middle Ages quite some time ago,” Jesus said. “We have guns and cannons and tanks now dad. Why in your name would I ever carry a sword? Get with the times.”

God is frustrated as Jesus has consistently missed his fencing and swordsmanship classes.

“I pay for these classes and he’s consistently hours late if he shows up at all. I’m not asking for much,” God said. “I’m trying to save the Christians here. Get your ass in gear already.”

Jesus does not understand how carrying a sword is scary anymore or even a sign of power.

“I’ll be the laughing stock of Earth as I’m on my white horse with a double edged sword. I'll look around to see military tanks and assault rifles pointed my way," Jesus said. "I’ll last two seconds down there and the people of Earth will have to await a third coming.”

God is sure Jesus is just adamant on defying him.

“He hasn’t rode a horse in months,” God said. “Powder-puff is just grazing in the fields saddle less. The last time Jesus rode a horse he almost fell off.”

For Jesus the whole apocalypse scenario is severely outdated. From the horse down to the sword, Jesus thinks the story needs a reboot.

“I would like my second coming to include an Apache Helicopter and a bazooka,” Jesus said.

God rolled his eyes as he heard his son’s description.

“This is why I am the Lord and he is merely my son,” God said. “Sure he knows a few magic tricks but I am the brains of this operation. It’s a sword, period.”

God said he cannot go back on his word as the prophets have already written the story of Jesus’ second coming.

“John clearly wrote in Revelation that Jesus would come with a double edged sword and come with a double edged sword he will,” God said. "Come with a double edged sword, he will."

Jesus said the prophets are from an age where fire was still a new invention.

“Come on,” Jesus said. “I also told everyone I was going to the Prince of Peace and here I come with a double edged sword to save a few Christians. The word’s not exactly written in stone.”

In the end Jesus has accepted his contradictions of teachings.

“I’m not complaining but it does seem a tad bit hypocritical,” Jesus said. “I did initiate the golden rule but if I’m going to break my promise, I want to look like a Bruce Willis character, not a Monty Python sketch.”

However, God is growing impatient and can no longer hold his anger inside.

"In the old days, I would just demolish Babylon or go all holocaust on civilians and all that aggression would simply disapear," God said. "Then I killed my son and held my anger in for over two milleniums. I just don't how much longer I can do this."

God said he had summoned enough anger to end the world by the American Civil War and had anticipated Jesus riding in with General Ulysses S. Grant at Fort Donelson.

“It was to be a majestic end of the world, the freeing of the slaves and then a big bang of apocalyptic grandeur,” God said. “I’m just frustrated. It’s a sword and he’s had over 2,000 years to learn.”

God’s simmer has now come to an over boil.

“The anger is in the pit of my stomach and for everyday Jesus puts off learning the sword, the more it grows,” God said.

God claims he now has enough aggression to completely destroy the Earth, Jupiter and half of Mars which is why he is urging Jesus to become a master swordsman.

“If I don’t destroy the world soon, some angels might lose their wings,” God said.

Jesus’ teenage love notes found

LIZZIE BIBS

The Ancient Times

photo courtesy of www.knowledgerush.com.

One of Jesus' first love to Sarah notes is displayed up above.
They are set to be released next month.

                                         

We know very little about Jesus’ teenage years but a recent discovery of love notes in an old shoe box is giving insight to Jesus as a hormonal male in ancient times.

The box is painted pink with purple hearts taped to it and the words “Sarah and Jesus Forever” written in Hebrew on the top.

Historians are not sure who this Sarah is but speculate she was the first girl to begin developing in her class.

“We found an old high school year book which indicates Sarah had begun her pubescent development far above and beyond the other girls in her class,” Jerry George, a historian and archeologist at the dig said. “In short let’s just say she had moved beyond the training bra by fifth grade.”

The notes begin with a neatly written note to Jesus from Sarah asking if he thinks the two should date with a, “Yes”, “No” and “Maybe” circle option. Jesus circled “Yes” with a smiley face drawn beneath the circle.

The one thing the notes determine is Jesus was a love struck teenager much like most boys at the age of 14 but with a poetic flare.

“He wrote her many poems about his undying love for her,” George said.

One of the poems reads:

"I see you in the sunset

And in my eyes at night

With the wind you and me

Our love will last past this life

Into eternity

We're better together baby!"

The last poem he sent to Sarah is loosely translated below:

"Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

One day I’ll die on a cross

And it’ll be all for you"

This poem seems to be the one which brought on Sarah and Jesus’ breakup.

Sarah wrote in response to the poem, “What does that mean? You’ll die on a cross?!!! Seriously?!!! What does that mean?!!!!!! I think we should break up.”

Sarah then asks Jesus never to speak to her again.

“It’s clear Sarah was freaked out by the poem and who wouldn’t be? The cross wasn’t a nice symbol at the time and those who were crucified were mostly people condemned by the Romans,” George said. “It’s like telling a girl in today's world you’ll die by lethal injection for her.”

Though even with Sarah clearly wanting a break up, Jesus kept writing her more notes and poems.

“You are my everything. We can work this out baby. Just give me one more chance I promise I will never mention crucifixion again. I know I just mentioned it there again but that’s it. I’m done with it! I promise just come back to me,” Jesus wrote. “We’re better together!”

The next letter dabbles deeper into his depression and the denial of their breakup.

“My mother said I should give you a few more days to cool down. So I will. This will be the last note you’ll get from me, ever. The next move is all you,” Jesus wrote. “But seriously I love you. We should be together forever.”

It appears Jesus waited exactly one week before writing Sarah again.

“It’s been a week since I last wrote you. Where are you? Did my passenger pigeon bring it to the wrong house? Just respond to me so I know you’re alright,” Jesus wrote.

This time Sarah did respond with a letter of her own.

“Look Jesus, I got your letters and enough is enough. Stop wasting your time and mine. Get over it. I’ve moved on and am happily dating Peter. He’s the captain of the Gladiator Team and we’re getting married next month. I’ve moved on so should you,” Sarah wrote.

It was this note which brought Jesus out of his denial of their breakup and his anger began.

“You can really see Jesus go through the grieving stages within these notes as his next series of notes were very hateful and angry,” George said.

Jesus wrote his displeasure of Sarah and Peter.

“Fine date Peter. I hope the lions eat him,” Jesus said.

Jesus wrote more poems during this period riddle with swear words and vengeance. One of his tamer poems reads:

"You said you'd always be there
But now you're nowhere to be found
I can't believe you left me
I feel so low beneath the ground

Die bitch!"

The poem was written on paper with the words, “From the desktop of Jesus Christ” at the top.

“I would say with the amount of letters he wrote the whole relationship lasted around a month and the notes and poems that followed were all written within a six month time period,” George said.

Jesus eventually did move on with his last note reading, “Dearest Sarah, I am sorry for my past actions. I have found a new girl now named Mary (and no it’s not my mother). She is amazing and will love me forever unlike you. Once I ask her out we will have a deeper and more meaningful relationship than you and I ever had."

He goes on to describe Mary in detail using such adjectives as, “smart”, “beautiful”, “nice” and  “perky”.

He ends the letter with these final words, “So you see I’ve moved on and I can only hope you have too. Love, Jesus. P.S. I know you cheated on me with Peter, I will try and forgive you eventually but there are no guarantees.”

Sarah wrote back one more time after this note was received.

“Jesus I’m glad you moved on. Like I said before so have I. I am now pregnant with my first child and if you ever write to me again I will file for a restraining order. You’re beyond creepy and I will never love you. Also I’m sending all of your angry rants back to you. I would burn them but I feel you might find more pleasure in that,” Sarah wrote.

The full transcripts of Jesus and Sarah’s letters are set to be released next month.

“These letters are full of passion, hate and love,” George said. “It just goes to show a teenagers life is turbulent no matter what age, place or time you live in.”

Dead Sea Ultrasound reveals Jesus had a twin

LIZZIE BIBBS

Dead Sea Times

Jesus revealed today he was indeed a twin during his fetal stages after an image of Mary’s first ultrasound was found in Egypt.

“According to early ultrasounds, I was supposed to have a fraternal twin sister but half way through the pregnancy she was no longer,” Jesus said in a statement to the press.

The image of the twins was found by three Egyptians farmers as they were tilling their soil and is now being deemed the “Dead Sea Ultrasound”.

God admits he was hiding the ultrasound as it is a part of his past he wished to remain a secret and he had ordered the image destroyed.

“I told those monks to destroy it but I guess you never can trust a liberal to keep your lies a secret,” God said. “They always have a way of undermining authority.”

The Dead Sea Ultrasound was found by Egyptian farmers and God has confirmed Jesus was indeed at one time a twin.

Doctors have yet to determine the cause of Jesus’ sister’s early termination but say poor diet might have played a roll.

Jesus tells another story.

“Let’s face it there could only be one of us,” Jesus said. “I won.”

Jesus says his sister’s existence was cut short after a battle during prenatal stages.

“On my father’s requests, I disposed of her before she could take to life,” Jesus said.

God later confirmed Jesus’ statements.

“My initial thought was to have Mary give birth to both my son and daughter and have a tag team type revival,” God said. “Jesus would perform the miracles and my daughter would get me a nice dowry on which I would fix the roof of my house and buy an upstanding donkey and use the rest to start the building of the Vatican.”

God had made plans with Lucifer to marry his daughter at the ripe age of 14 but later rethought his whole plan.

 “Then I came to my senses. Let’s face it, the money would be nice but having a daughter would totally ruin my credibility,” God said. “There’s no way these loins would let an X chromosome slip out.”
God said his daughter’s life would have jeopardized the whole future of Christianity so he decided she must go.

“I was kind of in a catch 22 situation. I had already sacrificed two of my sperms to create these twins and those don’t come easy,” God said. “I couldn’t just terminate the pregnancy so I appeared to fetus Jesus in several dreams.”

God gave Jesus details on how to defeat his sister before she developed any further.

“She proved to be quite hard to kill. I was initially given detailed instructions on how to create a noose with her umbilical cord,” Jesus said. “This was our first failure.”

Jesus said he performed the deed while they were having a tea party.

“It was on April 2 a glorious Tuesday morning,” Jesus said. “Juanita, I named her Juanita, was seeping water through the imaginary tea bags and I was in action.”

Juanita had asked Jesus what he was doing as she could feel the tension on her cord. Jesus said he was adjusting her cord because “it had gotten tangled in the intestines.”

Juanita carried on her womanly duties without another thought to Jesus.

“Oh she was so gullible,” Jesus said. “She gave me my teacup and I told her it needed more sugar and as she turned to get the sugar off the top imaginary cupboard, I slipped the cord around her neck and gave a nice hard tug. She started laughing.”

Juanita had thought Jesus was making a nice gesture in making her a necklace.       

“She called me silly and said necklace are never supposed to be that tight,” Jesus said.

Jesus said he kept trying to pull harder on the noose but it only made her go into a fit of laughter.

“I pulled so hard on that thing but in that fetal stage we really didn’t have much of necks,” Jesus said. “Also my nubs of fingers really weren’t getting a nice enough grip.”

A second plan took place where Jesus tried to beat her death but their ill formed feet and fingers were not equipped for a proper beating.

“The third time is the charm as they say,” Jesus said. “In the end I had to eat her. She was always a deep sleeper and her placenta gave me the softest skin. It was an excellent exfoliator.”

Jesus believes some of his later powers came from Juanita.

“The fact that my first miracle was turning water to wine shows some of her feminine side coming through,” Jesus said. “If it had been a masculine miracle I would have turned the water to scotch and really gotten the party going.”

Mary stated Jesus was enough of divine intervention for any women.

“I can’t believe he wanted me to birth twins,” Mary said. “Really you knock up a virgin and expect her to push out twins on her first try. Let’s be realistic.”

God said Juanita was an unfortunate glitch in his plan for Jesus.

“The idea of spreading my seed across twins seemed quite manly at the time but once I actually thought about it, I knew what I had to do,” God said. “There isn’t a day I look back.” 

God declares Jews are still his chosen people

LIZZIE BIBBS

Higher Ground Press

God is now making it official; the Jews are his chosen people. Furthermore, God is now proclaiming he is upset with the way Christians portray him.

“You read the Old Testament and I am an all fearing and powerful God and then you get to the New Testament and I get all soft,” God said. “When did I ever say I loved everyone? Jesus was always putting words in my mouth.”

God said he misses the time when people were so fearful of him; they would sacrifice their best lamb and their only virgin daughter for him.

“I know they say they are sacrificing a lamb to show their love but let’s be honest, it was in the fear of if they did not that I would burn down their village. Those where the good old days,” God said. “Where are the personally sacrifices for me? I am not talking about these mental struggles. I am talking about slapping your wife in my name.”

God said he may not show his anger as abruptly as he use to but he is still to be feared.

“In my old age I got tired of destroying whole cities. It was such hard work and in the end if I tore down Sodom or Gomorrah, they built Babylon. No, now I have more power with the afterlife,” God said. “The Christians did get the whole Hell thing right.”

God said when he hears someone using his name in vain or lying, instead of killing a beloved son or burning down their village, he laughs as he thinks of them burning in the eternal Lake of Fire.

“Yes, Hell is such sweet poetic justice,” God said.

God is confused by the Christians portrayal of him as an all loving God who also damns people to Hell.

“They preach about me loving everyone but then they go on about everyone but themselves being Hell bound,” God said. “Under the New Testament’s teaching, I am a Hippie and peace loving being, so how could I damn people to Hell? According to these people I should be welcoming Nazis into the pearly gates with flowers and hugs.”

God said the way Christians speak of him is appalling.

“If they would just stop at me damning everyone to Hell, then we’d have something to talk about but no, they have to make me a damn pussy with all that talk about love,” God said. “Where are the whole chapters about me throwing Pontius Pilot and Romans into the fire pit? If they had just added the book according to Chuck Norris, then those Christians would be saved.”

God claims he never said the Christians were his chosen people for a reason and he holds a special spot for them in Hell.

“It’s in between the gays and the unborn fetuses,” God said. “Yeah unfortunately fetuses are not heaven bound; I can’t spend all eternity with something which barely has a brain and wasn’t baptized.”

God also praises the Jews who are the only religion which keeps holy the Sabbath, held every Saturday not Sunday.

“Heaven is exclusively for the Jews. I know they don’t believe in an afterlife, but it’s kind of an added bonus after a whole life of worshiping me properly,” God said. “Besides I promised them they were my chosen people, I can’t turn my back on them now.”

God said Christians do stand a chance if they put down the, “Hippie crosses” and burn their favorite gerbil in his name.

“You can stop preaching about your all loving and powerful God. All I want is the power,” God said. “And for my sakes, eat a kosher meal once in a while and lay off the shrimp.” 

Adam and Eve file for divorce

(From left to right) Eve and Adam during their days in the Garden of Eden.

LIZZIE BIBBS

News from Above Reporter

At around 10 a.m. today Adam and Eve announced their divorce on the steps outside of heaven.

“We were a match made in heaven but I guess even heaven can only last so long,” Eve said. "With a man like Adam, heaven is about as long as it takes to eat an apple."

Both of their lawyers were present with Michael the Arch Angel representing Adam and Jonah of Arch representing Eve.

Adam and Eve are the longest known couple, being together since the beginning of time and are more commonly known for the mishap in the Garden of Eden.

The grounds for their divorce are “irreconcilable differences,” according to Heaven County Court documents.

“We gave it a try but no matter how many years went by Adam still blamed me for us being banished from the Garden of Eden,” Eve said. “Get over it. Maybe if someone had bothered to tell me not to eat the fruit, it would be a different story.”

Adam said he has done a lot for Eve and is tired of his charity and efforts going unnoticed.

“How’s that rib working for you Eve?” Adam asked.

As far as not telling Eve of the no eating of fruit from the Tree of Life Policy, Adam says she never asked.

“If a snake you’ve never seen before and by the way is talking to you, suggests eating from the tree why not ask me about it first?” Adam stated. “I wish I had given her half of my brain.”

Adam does admit he too ate the fruit but said it was due to the peer pressure.

“Look I’m sorry I took the fruit but she had the first bite and she said she could see things in a new light,” Adam said. “The way she was looking at me, I wanted to see her like that.”

Adam only wishes he still could still see Eve like he did after his first bite.

“If her boobs were still that perky, I think we could have made it,” Adam said.

Even Eve admits the first bite of fruit opened her eyes to a new world.

“He was packing,” Eve said. “Man was he packing.”

Though Eve said she grew tired of Adam’s whining and constant complaining about no longer being in the Garden of Eden.

“I don’t know what he’s complaining about,” Eve said. “So he now has to work in the fields. I’m the one shoving babies out without the aid of a pain killer. Let’s see him birth a baby. Then he can complain.”
Eve is tired of feeling guilty and is ready to move on with her life.

“It’s that damn Catholic guilt Adam keeps ramming me with. Every time a woman screams while in labor, he suggests I write an apology letter to her,” Eve said. "Perhaps he should write an apology letter to the blue collar workers of the world."

Eve is done with primitive men for now.

“Adam, being the first man has a lot of flaws. He was completely lost on the whole deodorant thing,” Eve said.  “Today I am announcing my relationship with Sarah, wife of Abraham. She smells really pretty.”

Adam was not shocked to hear of Eve’s new found love and said he too is moving on.

“I met Mary Magdalene at the Bible Class reunion and man is she a card,” Adam said. “I gave her my digits and we’ve been on a few dates.”
Adam said Mary is not like Eve at all.

“She’s a lady,” Adam said. “She has new traditions and customs that I wasn’t even aware of. For instance after every date, I give her a $50. Eve never made me give her money. I feel as if I am a modern man now.”

Adam and Eve’s assets have yet to be divided but it speculated Eve will get full custody of Cain and Abel.

Jesus is proclaimed lord of hide-and-seek

BY LIZZIE BIBBS
International Hide-and-Seek Chronical

The International Hide-and-Seek Organization (IHSO) is awarding Jesus with an honor for his hide-and-seek skills.
"If we can find him, we will be awarding Jesus with the Champion of Hide-and-Seek plaque and crown," George McFollin, president of IHSO said. "I mean this guy really is the master and lord of hide-and-seek. My four year old wishes she had his mad skills."
Jesus is being called by many, the "master of hide-and-seek." Stories about finding Jesus have been sweeping the internet and have been heard inside churches for years.

An image of what is engraved on the plaque Jesus will be receiving
for his "mad skills" of hide-and-seek.

David Brown, a 20 year old going to the University of Miami claims he found Jesus as he was about to take a shower in his fraternity house before his morning class.
"I pulled back the curtain and this man was standing there as I am standing there with my bare ass to the wind and I screamed," Brown said. "Jesus grinned at me and he said, 'You found me'."
Brown said he stood there in shock as Jesus "giggled like a sorority girl." It was then that Jesus ran into the kitchen and began counting.
"He said it was my turn to hide now," Brown said. "I heard him counting in the kitchen and I just thought maybe I wasn't quite over my acid trip but when I came out of the bathroom a half an hour later he was waiting for me."
Jesus stood outside the bathroom door and waited for the door to open. According to Brown when he opened the door Jesus said he was a horrible hider.
"He said 'Wow you're an easy find. Well you're it now.' He then ran down the hall and I haven't seen him since," Brown said.
Brown said several of his fraternity's alumni have reported finding Jesus after they graduated college.
"I've heard legends of Jesus playing hide-and-seek but now I am a true believer," Brown said.
Brown is not the only one reporting to find Jesus during a game of hide-and-seek. Jesus is appearing worldwide hiding behind trees, cardboard boxes and underneath blankets at homeless shelters.
Sightings are being reported from such places as London, England,  New York City and Beijing, China.
Alena Muroch, 54 years old from Moscow, Russia, said she found Jesus underneath a pile of dirty laundry.
"I was picking up my laundry off my bedroom floor when I grab what I thought was my white sheet, turns out it was Jesus' robe," Muroch said.
Muroch said Jesus jumped up in the same excitement and happy demeanor as when Brown found him.
"He kept saying 'You found me. You found me.'," Muroch said. "I was shocked and I must admit a little confused. I had no idea I was playing the game. It's not everyday you find Jesus."
Muroch said Jesus soon found her hanging laundry in the basement about an hour later.
"Jesus looked at me with his deep brown eyes and said, 'You call this hiding?' He then said I was 'it' and left," Muroch said.
Harold Brock, once a New York City homeless man who now runs a McDonald's franchise outside the city, found Jesus in a dumpster outside of Luigi's Pizza Shop.
"I was looking for scraps of food when Jesus sprang up from underneath a pile of empty pizza boxes. He said, 'I found you' and I have to admit it scared me," Brock said. "At first I thought he was going to call the police and I began to ran."
Brock said he thought perhaps it was Luigi himself cracking down on the homeless behind his shop.
Brock claims Jesus yelled after him, "That's right it's your turn to hide but don't worry I'll find you. The finding part is what I'm good at."
Brock ran to the Sacred Heart Homeless Shelter, where he decided to get a bite to eat and gather what had just happened to him.
"I thought about who had jumped out at me and I knew it wasn't the owner of the shop," Brock said. "Then I thought about his clothes, a white robe with a red sash coming down his right shoulder and that's when it hit me, I found Jesus."
Brock said it did not take long to confirm his discovery as there was a picture of Jesus painted on the shelter's walls and the painting was uncanny to the man he saw underneath the pizza boxes.
"Jesus then found me later that night as I was sleeping," Brock said. "I opened up my eyes and saw him looking down on me with that crazy grin of his."
Jesus told Brock he was now "it" again and then summed up his search for Brock as the "hardest bugger to find yet."
According to Brock Jesus was very impressed with his hiding skills.
"As Jesus was leaving he said I'll have to save you for another day," Brock said. "So I guess Jesus saved me."
Brock said he has not seen Jesus since but he did manage to find a job through the homeless shelter and eventually found a job at a McDonalds where he rose to the top.
"You know, being homeless and all, I've seen some crazy shit in my lifetime but nothing quite tops my game of hide-and-seek with Jesus," Brock said. "I found Jesus and didn't even know I was looking. Now that's a champ."

God says it's not global warming, it's menopause

A picture Earth taken from NASA's Hasselblad Camera. Although Earth my look normal, God says her inner hormones are going haywire as she enters menopause.

BY LIZZIE BIBBS
The Light Years New Herald

God has released a statement declaring scientist are wrong about global warming and claims the earth is simply going through menopause.
"Those weird change in weather patterns, those are merely hot flashes and mood swings," God said.
God said although the menopause is unpleasant and could be a game changer in the world's climate, he still sees earth's adolescent stage as the epitome of out of control.
"You could not pay me to relive those days," God said. "Every month another volcano erupted and earthquakes were started just by looking at her the wrong way."
God said there was even a long lasting argument between the earth and sun which caused the ice age.
"The sun just couldn't put up with the earth's immatureness. He shined on the earth but only at a safe and far distance," God said.
God said at least the Earth is dealing with her menopause in somewhat of a more mature manner.
"As of right now, nothing has gone extinct," God said. "Those poor dinosaurs. I really like the brutes. They were quite entertaining."
Earth refused to comment on her menopause but God said that is to be expected.
"She really has always been rather shy and when it comes to something this personal, you'd be more successful making Pluto a planet again," God said.
Although God is concerned with the way Earth is dealing with her menopause.
"I thought after the industrial revolution I was sure she was done with her chain smoking," God said.
It appears not only is Earth refusing to take mood altering hormones, she is also back to inhaling the Carbon Dioxide.
"Don't get me wrong, Earth has never fully given up smoking but she was down to a pack a day at one point," God said.
God said she really hit rock bottom when Mars went through a mid-life crisis and broke off their 5,679 year marriage last month.
"Her precipitation has gone up. She just cannot stop crying," God said. "She's been watching Steel Magnolias and eating whole boxes of chocolate for two weeks straight."
God claims Mars and Earth have had a pretty rocky relationship.
"They've been on again off again since the Cretaceous Period," God said. "They should have never gotten married."
Mars said he was tired of Earth and her constant complaining.
"She kept on telling me she misses the Mars that had water," Mars said. "Well I gave up the water gig millenniums ago honey. Sorry I got sick and tired of pesticides growing on me and leaching off of every resource I had."
Mars said he is no longer on the same page as Earth and he says although God believes it is the menopause, he has another theory.
"She's been nuts for years," Mars said. "That broad has been on the brink of a mental breakdown ever since Rome was defeated but you know what? I stuck with her but enough is enough sweetheart."
Mars is rumored to be currently dating the Black Hole but nothing has been confirmed.
"Am I dating? That's for me to know and for Earth not to find out," Mars said. "The last time she caught me cheating, Pangaea split. I hate to be the reason for L.A. sinking or the Rockies finally erupting."
God said Earth will move on but until then he is trying to convince her to take some "much needed hormones and anti-depressants."
Earth keeps telling God she his healing through natural remedies but God is skeptical whether her route is even natural or just an excuse to be lazy and unresponsive.
"Earth keeps on talking about taking the natural route to curing her menopause and depression. I don't call cigarettes and a tub of Ben and Jerry's natural but whatever," God said. "I guess she'll heal in her own time as for those who inhabit her, perhaps you'll have better luck than the dinosaurs."

Mary of Nazareth asks for restitution from deadbeat dad

LIZZIE BIBBS
The A.D. Times

Mary of Nazareth is suing God for years of unpaid child support. Mary claims she birthed and raised God's only son, Jesus with not even so much as a thank you.
"For 30 years, Jesus has lived under my roof, eaten my food and has been clothed by me and all without the support of his deadbeat dad," Mary said.
The Court of Nazareth said God only owes Mary 14 years of backed up child support not the 30 she was striving to receive.
"It is clear God owes Mary some sort of reimbursement but under law it would only be for the first 14 years of life because after that Jesus is now an adult and should be married to virgin bride instead of sucking his mother of her assets," The Honorable Judge Gregory of Bethlehem said.
Upon hearing of Gregory's ruling God fully objected.
"I gave her a gift damn it, God's only son. Where's my thank you?" God said. "It was a painless birth and as for me saying thank you, I'm pretty sure eternal salvage is pretty big ass thank you."
God said Mary is ungrateful for everything he has ever done for her.
"I chose her because I thought she would be a submissive mother," God said. "No wonder [Mary's husband] Joseph checked out early. If I could die, my heart attack would have come years ago."
Mary said she thinks God is over reacting and has never fully appreciate her sacrifice.
"I'm ungrateful? Give me a break my precious Lord," Mary said. "How would you like an angel telling your virgin self she is going to pop out a kid. I didn't even get to have any fun before giving birth. Waking up pregnant; how's that for fair?"
Mary said he could have at least given her a taste of the conception.
Furthermore Mary said her body has never fully healed after the birth of Jesus.
"It might have been a painless birth but let me tell you it wasn't exactly a picnic giving birth to Jesus," Mary said. "Painless? Yes. Comfortable? You should ask the shepherds and all the pilate in the world would never put my stomach back to the way it used to be."
Mary is asking for full restitution from the damage the pregnancy did to her body.
Mary said she was also never given full instruction on how to raise Jesus to be the son of God.
"Lets not forget the years of cultivating Jesus to be a carpenter and then he decides he'd rather talk to large crowds on a mountain top and walk on water," Mary said. "I did not want to raise a politician."
Mary said Joseph spent hours trying to teach Jesus to make cabinets and tables.
"I love my son but the whole carpenter lifestyle was just too much for him," Mary said. "He came home with broken thumbs numerous times. The kid just could not use a hammer and did I ever see a penny for hospital bills from his father? I think not."
God said he was always watching his son and he thought that was good enough.
"I was there in spirit. Give me a break I have a whole world to run here," God said. "He had Joseph for Christ sakes!"
Mary said we all have issues and business to deal with but it is not an excuse to leave your son without knowing his true father.
"It's an identity crisis," Mary said. "Every time I hear God gripe I feel like playing him the song 'Cat's Cradle.' In the end like father, like son they both eventually abandoned me but at least Jesus could keep his hands to himself."
Judge Gregory has not released the full amount God owes Mary but an amount is to be calculated and revealed to God sometime next week.

The Anti-Christ Finds Christ, has denounced his role in the end of the world

LIZZY BIIBS

The News from Below

The anti-Christ has officially resigned himself of his duties as of yesterday afternoon at the tender age of 16.

“I've been saved and have accepted Jesus as my lord and savior,” The anti-Christ (AC) said who for obvious reasons would like to remain anonymous.

The AC said at first he embraced his responsibility reeking havoc on his preschool class and creating a rebellion at his elementary school which involved the hostage of the principal and two administrators.

Just last year the AC got half his high school class to try crystal meth and there is rumor in the afterlife of the AC having a role in the 2010 BP oil spill off the Golf Coast.

Satan had thought for sure he had finally found his protege.

"I thought I couldn't go wrong," Satan said. "Everything was working out so well. I must say this is the earliest retirement I've ever seen."

The AC said finding Jesus has changed his life.

“For years I've been prepped for the end of the world but I've called the horses off,” the AC said. “I really hate the heat so I just don't see how Hell was ever a perfect fit for me to stay for all of eternity. Don't get me wrong I like a little sun but a nice breeze is always welcomed.”

The AC plans on spending the rest of his time on earth feeding the homeless in an undisclosed soup kitchen.

“I kind of like it here. The people are friendly and the food's not all that bad either,” the AC said.

After hearing word of the AC's announcement, Satan had this to say, “It does disappoint me but I still have faith in him after all even Christ himself said he didn't want to die for all humanities sins. Christ came around and so will my son.”

Satan has been trying to talk with the AC but to no avail.

"I really wish the best for Satan. I really do but I must move on now," the AC said. 

Some have said it is proof of God's good nature. God however said he has nothing to do with the transformation.

“As of right now I'm satisfied with the anti-Christ's choice to go on the straight and narrow but I gave everyone the power of freewill angels, demons, humans and yes even the anti-Christ. That's one thing Satan can't take away,” God said. “I can hope he doesn't stray but that's not up to me.”

Satan as of right now has chalk it all up to crazy adolescent hormones.

“You know we've all been there. Those crazy adolescent years,” Satan said. “I created Hell and he has chosen to disown me. I guess we're really one in the same.”

When asked about the end of the world Satan seemed to still hold on to hope.

“Oh it'll happen,” Satan said. “Whether it's this anti-Christ or I bring in my 40th anti-Christ it will happen make no mistake about it.”

Satan said it takes time to plan such a huge event like the apocalypse.

“This isn't like your annual Christmas Party. I've been planning ever since the 20th anniversary of Christ's death. Each one seems so promising but believe me the time will come,” Satan stated.

Satan still sees the possibility of this Anti-Christ bringing home the goods of the end of the world.

“I personally think it could happen tomorrow if the anti-Christ would get some sense knocked into him but then again it might happen two million years from now. Who am I to say,” Satan said.

Satan said if this AC does not pan through he will try again.

“I think next time I might try to plant the next anti-Christ in the Arctic far away from any other life form until he is in his prime,” Satan said. "I've heard the it's to hot in Hell excuse too many times and this is the second time I've lost a son to the homeless.”

Satan said by placing his next AC in the arctic a little heat in the afterlife will be surely welcomed.

God said he has no worries about the end of the world and likes to let the tides flow as they will.

“No matter what, I'll have my TiVo set to Earth,” God said. “I'm really hooked to the network.”

Local Man Arrested for Operating Basement Winery

By: Lizzy Bibbs

New Amestent Gazette Staff Reporter

Twenty-nine-year old carpenter, Jesus Christoff was taken into custody by New Amestent Police yesterday evening for failure to obtain a license while operating a small winery in his basement Chief of Police, Deputy Sam Lot said.

“I wasn’t selling any of it,” Christoff said after being handcuffed. “I was saving it for a friend’s wedding.”

Lot says he is shocked by the discovery.

“He keeps saying it’s for a wedding,” Lot said. “Wedding or not, it is still illegal in the State of Maryland to operate an alcohol distillation facility without proper licensing.”

After a two month investigation Lot had no choice but to arrest Christoff.

“We found 500 barrels of homemade wine in Christoff’s basement,” Lot said.

Many are outraged by the amount of alcohol found on the premises.

“What was this guy doing? Turning water to wine?” Christoff’s neighbor, Gene Foster asked. “He’s only lived here for five months.”

Lot said police have been watching Christoff after receiving several noise complaints for rallies held on his property.

“We had many complaints of the noise coming from Mr. Christoff’s yard,” Lot said. “Some had suggested possible cult activity but we had no idea we’d find this.”

Next door neighbor Laura Crawford has personally called the police when the noise got too loud.

However Crawford’s suspicion started even before the noise began.

“The man says he’s a carpenter,” Crawford said. “But I’ve never seen him pick up a hammer. I just don’t trust him.”

Crawford cannot seem to fathom how her neighbor could possibly be a carpenter. According to Crawford, Christoff has never been seen with any sort of woodworking equipment and his small yellow 1968 Volks Wagon bug is hardly the vehicle for carrying around materials.

“I just don’t see it,” Crawford said. “Carpenters have to spend a lot of time with their work.”

Crawford spoke of her father’s career as a carpenter and how much of his life was spent working. Crawford does not see the same work ethic in Christoff.

“From what I see, Mr. Christoff just doesn’t spend his time doing anything real productive,” Crawford said. “He does do a lot of fishing when he’s not making all that ruckus.”

Crawford has watched Christoff pulling nets full of fish along with multiple loaves of bread out of his car’s trunk about three to four times a week.

“It would seem to me the man is more of a baker or cook of sorts with all that food he keeps bringing home,” Crawford said.

As for “all that ruckus”, the music is not the cause.

According to Crawford it was his shouting, waking up her children and leaving her no choice but to call authorities.

“If it was just the chanting, I could bear it,” Crawford said. “But it was so much more. He’d stand on that mound in his front yard and just start ranting to whoever happened to walk by.”

The grassy two foot mound in Christoff’s front yard decorated with plastic olive branches is the apparent meeting place for his rallies.

Crawford recalls not only “whole crowds” forming in Christoff’s front yard but 12 unidentified men consistently appearing at his house.

“I’ve been worried for my children’s safety ever since I saw [Christoff’s] moving van pull up,” Crawford said. “I mean what kind of single man has 12 men constantly going in and out of his home? I’ve been in his house when the Johnsons owned it. Believe me it’s not that big.”

Denny Gregory, another neighbor, experienced Christoff’s antics first hand after accepting a dinner invitation last Friday night.

“I knew some of my neighbors had problems with him,” Gregory said, “but I thought why not stop on by. You know give the guy a break.”

Gregory did not see Christoff’s basement brewery on Friday. Instead Gregory said they spent most of their time in his dining room.

“I can’t say [Christoff] isn’t a nice guy,” Gregory said. “He was very welcoming. It’s his feet infatuation that left me feeling, well uncomfortable.”

Gregory says Christoff insisted on cleaning his feet.

“I showered before I went over but he brought out towels and a wash bin filled with water,” Gregory said. “Jesus couldn’t get his mind off my feet. He was obsessed.”

After several minutes of insisting his feet were clean, Gregory finally gave into Christoff's persistance and put his feet into the water.

“I figured what’s the harm in one guy rubbing another guy’s feet,” Gregory said. “I must admit for a carpenter, he was rather good. My feet still feel clean and his hands were surprisingly soft.”

Gregory does not see Christoff as a danger to the neighborhood.

“I’ve seen these guys before,” Gregory said. “He has a real bad father complex. I mean that’s all we talked about, how great his father is.”

At one point Gregory said Christoff mentioned how much his father loves him.

“I’m pretty sure Jesus is just recanting stories his mother told him,” Gregory said. “I mean his father left him before he was born. You know the typical deadbeat dad story.”

As far as Christoff’s weekly rallies, Gregory has mixed feelings.

“I don’t particularly care for propaganda,” Gregory said. “On the other hand, it’s not like he’s hurting anyone.”

Whether Christoff is a real threat has yet to be seen.

As of now bond has been set for Chirstoff at $2,000 and authorities say the list of charges will be made public later this afternoon.