Women not human, science claims

LIZZIE BIBBS
Science and Mankind Review

Scientists have released a study which proves women are not humans but a mythical, supernatural being whose sole purpose is to seduce mankind and eventually take over the world.

Doctor Richard VanSmute has determined no matter how cute
and inocent women may look, they are soul sucking vampires.

“There’s a reason women were put in their place for so long,” Doctor Richard VanSmute, head of the study said. “They’re like vampires except instead of blood, they suck your soul. They’re soul sucking vampires.”

The study is considered to be the most comprehensive report ever published on the subject of women.

“We have determined women are more demon than human,” VanSmute said. “I ask you, what other creature can bleed for seven days straight and not die?”

VanSmute studied other animals and found most would die within the second or third day.

“We found with the amount of blood a women bleeds, they should be dead long before the seven days are up. Most monkeys died within the first five hours and men died within a day,” VanSmute said. “We are pretty sure the only way to kill a woman is by stabbing her in the heart.”

The study also shows how women use their puppy eyes and tears to manipulate the souls of men.

“We saw through the use of tears, eyes and even a quick flash of cleavage men are left astray,” VanSmute said. “If we don’t watch out, they really will change the world as we know it.”

VanSmute began the study 12 years after a nasty divorce with his wife.

“After she cheated on me with my best friend, took everything I ever loved and half of all my assets, I thought she must not have a soul,” VanSmute said. “Although it’ll be a few more years until we determine where and if the soul lies in a women but I think the study does show something terribly inhuman about these creatures.”

After recent claims of Obama and even the pope being the Anti-Christ, VanSmute is sure the Anti-Christ will be a woman.

“The Anti-Christ won’t be in a suit in tie,” VanSmute said. “Mark my words, the Anti-Christ will be packaged in lipstick, high heels and a nice rack. In fact I am fairly positive the Anti-Christ might be the entire women race.”

VanSmute would like to put the whole world on red alert against women to keep the apocalypse at bay.

“I am on the fight to not only put women back in the kitchen but in cages,” VanSmute said. “It’s the only way to maintain a future for the planet Earth.”

God says it's not global warming, it's menopause

A picture Earth taken from NASA's Hasselblad Camera. Although Earth my look normal, God says her inner hormones are going haywire as she enters menopause.

BY LIZZIE BIBBS
The Light Years New Herald

God has released a statement declaring scientist are wrong about global warming and claims the earth is simply going through menopause.
"Those weird change in weather patterns, those are merely hot flashes and mood swings," God said.
God said although the menopause is unpleasant and could be a game changer in the world's climate, he still sees earth's adolescent stage as the epitome of out of control.
"You could not pay me to relive those days," God said. "Every month another volcano erupted and earthquakes were started just by looking at her the wrong way."
God said there was even a long lasting argument between the earth and sun which caused the ice age.
"The sun just couldn't put up with the earth's immatureness. He shined on the earth but only at a safe and far distance," God said.
God said at least the Earth is dealing with her menopause in somewhat of a more mature manner.
"As of right now, nothing has gone extinct," God said. "Those poor dinosaurs. I really like the brutes. They were quite entertaining."
Earth refused to comment on her menopause but God said that is to be expected.
"She really has always been rather shy and when it comes to something this personal, you'd be more successful making Pluto a planet again," God said.
Although God is concerned with the way Earth is dealing with her menopause.
"I thought after the industrial revolution I was sure she was done with her chain smoking," God said.
It appears not only is Earth refusing to take mood altering hormones, she is also back to inhaling the Carbon Dioxide.
"Don't get me wrong, Earth has never fully given up smoking but she was down to a pack a day at one point," God said.
God said she really hit rock bottom when Mars went through a mid-life crisis and broke off their 5,679 year marriage last month.
"Her precipitation has gone up. She just cannot stop crying," God said. "She's been watching Steel Magnolias and eating whole boxes of chocolate for two weeks straight."
God claims Mars and Earth have had a pretty rocky relationship.
"They've been on again off again since the Cretaceous Period," God said. "They should have never gotten married."
Mars said he was tired of Earth and her constant complaining.
"She kept on telling me she misses the Mars that had water," Mars said. "Well I gave up the water gig millenniums ago honey. Sorry I got sick and tired of pesticides growing on me and leaching off of every resource I had."
Mars said he is no longer on the same page as Earth and he says although God believes it is the menopause, he has another theory.
"She's been nuts for years," Mars said. "That broad has been on the brink of a mental breakdown ever since Rome was defeated but you know what? I stuck with her but enough is enough sweetheart."
Mars is rumored to be currently dating the Black Hole but nothing has been confirmed.
"Am I dating? That's for me to know and for Earth not to find out," Mars said. "The last time she caught me cheating, Pangaea split. I hate to be the reason for L.A. sinking or the Rockies finally erupting."
God said Earth will move on but until then he is trying to convince her to take some "much needed hormones and anti-depressants."
Earth keeps telling God she his healing through natural remedies but God is skeptical whether her route is even natural or just an excuse to be lazy and unresponsive.
"Earth keeps on talking about taking the natural route to curing her menopause and depression. I don't call cigarettes and a tub of Ben and Jerry's natural but whatever," God said. "I guess she'll heal in her own time as for those who inhabit her, perhaps you'll have better luck than the dinosaurs."