Wednesday, January 25, 2012

God says it's not global warming, it's menopause

A picture Earth taken from NASA's Hasselblad Camera. Although Earth my look normal, God says her inner hormones are going haywire as she enters menopause.
The Light Years New Herald

God has released a statement declaring scientist are wrong about global warming and claims the earth is simply going through menopause.
"Those weird change in weather patterns, those are merely hot flashes and mood swings," God said.
God said although the menopause is unpleasant and could be a game changer in the world's climate, he still sees earth's adolescent stage as the epitome of out of control.
"You could not pay me to relive those days," God said. "Every month another volcano erupted and earthquakes were started just by looking at her the wrong way."
God said there was even a long lasting argument between the earth and sun which caused the ice age.
"The sun just couldn't put up with the earth's immatureness. He shined on the earth but only at a safe and far distance," God said.
God said at least the Earth is dealing with her menopause in somewhat of a more mature manner.
"As of right now, nothing has gone extinct," God said. "Those poor dinosaurs. I really like the brutes. They were quite entertaining."
Earth refused to comment on her menopause but God said that is to be expected.
"She really has always been rather shy and when it comes to something this personal, you'd be more successful making Pluto a planet again," God said.
Although God is concerned with the way Earth is dealing with her menopause.
"I thought after the industrial revolution I was sure she was done with her chain smoking," God said.
It appears not only is Earth refusing to take mood altering hormones, she is also back to inhaling the Carbon Dioxide.
"Don't get me wrong, Earth has never fully given up smoking but she was down to a pack a day at one point," God said.
God said she really hit rock bottom when Mars went through a mid-life crisis and broke off their 5,679 year marriage last month.
"Her precipitation has gone up. She just cannot stop crying," God said. "She's been watching Steel Magnolias and eating whole boxes of chocolate for two weeks straight."
God claims Mars and Earth have had a pretty rocky relationship.
"They've been on again off again since the Cretaceous Period," God said. "They should have never gotten married."
Mars said he was tired of Earth and her constant complaining.
"She kept on telling me she misses the Mars that had water," Mars said. "Well I gave up the water gig millenniums ago honey. Sorry I got sick and tired of pesticides growing on me and leaching off of every resource I had."
Mars said he is no longer on the same page as Earth and he says although God believes it is the menopause, he has another theory.
"She's been nuts for years," Mars said. "That broad has been on the brink of a mental breakdown ever since Rome was defeated but you know what? I stuck with her but enough is enough sweetheart."
Mars is rumored to be currently dating the Black Hole but nothing has been confirmed.
"Am I dating? That's for me to know and for Earth not to find out," Mars said. "The last time she caught me cheating, Pangaea split. I hate to be the reason for L.A. sinking or the Rockies finally erupting."
God said Earth will move on but until then he is trying to convince her to take some "much needed hormones and anti-depressants."
Earth keeps telling God she his healing through natural remedies but God is skeptical whether her route is even natural or just an excuse to be lazy and unresponsive.
"Earth keeps on talking about taking the natural route to curing her menopause and depression. I don't call cigarettes and a tub of Ben and Jerry's natural but whatever," God said. "I guess she'll heal in her own time as for those who inhabit her, perhaps you'll have better luck than the dinosaurs."

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