The A.D. Times
Mary of Nazareth is suing God for years of unpaid child support. Mary claims she birthed and raised God's only son, Jesus with not even so much as a thank you.
"For 30 years, Jesus has lived under my roof, eaten my food and has been clothed by me and all without the support of his deadbeat dad," Mary said.
The Court of Nazareth said God only owes Mary 14 years of backed up child support not the 30 she was striving to receive.
"It is clear God owes Mary some sort of reimbursement but under law it would only be for the first 14 years of life because after that Jesus is now an adult and should be married to virgin bride instead of sucking his mother of her assets," The Honorable Judge Gregory of Bethlehem said.
Upon hearing of Gregory's ruling God fully objected.
"I gave her a gift damn it, God's only son. Where's my thank you?" God said. "It was a painless birth and as for me saying thank you, I'm pretty sure eternal salvage is pretty big ass thank you."
God said Mary is ungrateful for everything he has ever done for her.
"I chose her because I thought she would be a submissive mother," God said. "No wonder [Mary's husband] Joseph checked out early. If I could die, my heart attack would have come years ago."
Mary said she thinks God is over reacting and has never fully appreciate her sacrifice.
"I'm ungrateful? Give me a break my precious Lord," Mary said. "How would you like an angel telling your virgin self she is going to pop out a kid. I didn't even get to have any fun before giving birth. Waking up pregnant; how's that for fair?"
Mary said he could have at least given her a taste of the conception.
Furthermore Mary said her body has never fully healed after the birth of Jesus.
"It might have been a painless birth but let me tell you it wasn't exactly a picnic giving birth to Jesus," Mary said. "Painless? Yes. Comfortable? You should ask the shepherds and all the pilate in the world would never put my stomach back to the way it used to be."
Mary is asking for full restitution from the damage the pregnancy did to her body.
Mary said she was also never given full instruction on how to raise Jesus to be the son of God.
"Lets not forget the years of cultivating Jesus to be a carpenter and then he decides he'd rather talk to large crowds on a mountain top and walk on water," Mary said. "I did not want to raise a politician."
Mary said Joseph spent hours trying to teach Jesus to make cabinets and tables.
"I love my son but the whole carpenter lifestyle was just too much for him," Mary said. "He came home with broken thumbs numerous times. The kid just could not use a hammer and did I ever see a penny for hospital bills from his father? I think not."
God said he was always watching his son and he thought that was good enough.
"I was there in spirit. Give me a break I have a whole world to run here," God said. "He had Joseph for Christ sakes!"
Mary said we all have issues and business to deal with but it is not an excuse to leave your son without knowing his true father.
"It's an identity crisis," Mary said. "Every time I hear God gripe I feel like playing him the song 'Cat's Cradle.' In the end like father, like son they both eventually abandoned me but at least Jesus could keep his hands to himself."
Judge Gregory has not released the full amount God owes Mary but an amount is to be calculated and revealed to God sometime next week.