Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Local Man Arrested for Operating Basement Winery

By: Lizzy Bibbs
New Amestent Gazette Staff Reporter

Twenty-nine-year old carpenter, Jesus Christoff was taken into custody by New Amestent Police yesterday evening for failure to obtain a license while operating a small winery in his basement Chief of Police, Deputy Sam Lot said.
I wasn’t selling any of it,” Christoff said after being handcuffed. “I was saving it for a friend’s wedding.”
Lot says he is shocked by the discovery.
He keeps saying it’s for a wedding,” Lot said. “Wedding or not, it is still illegal in the State of Maryland to operate an alcohol distillation facility without proper licensing.”
After a two month investigation Lot had no choice but to arrest Christoff.
We found 500 barrels of homemade wine in Christoff’s basement,” Lot said.
Many are outraged by the amount of alcohol found on the premises.
What was this guy doing? Turning water to wine?” Christoff’s neighbor, Gene Foster asked. “He’s only lived here for five months.”
Lot said police have been watching Christoff after receiving several noise complaints for rallies held on his property.
We had many complaints of the noise coming from Mr. Christoff’s yard,” Lot said. “Some had suggested possible cult activity but we had no idea we’d find this.”
Next door neighbor Laura Crawford has personally called the police when the noise got too loud.
However Crawford’s suspicion started even before the noise began.
The man says he’s a carpenter,” Crawford said. “But I’ve never seen him pick up a hammer. I just don’t trust him.”
Crawford cannot seem to fathom how her neighbor could possibly be a carpenter. According to Crawford, Christoff has never been seen with any sort of woodworking equipment and his small yellow 1968 Volks Wagon bug is hardly the vehicle for carrying around materials.
I just don’t see it,” Crawford said. “Carpenters have to spend a lot of time with their work.”
Crawford spoke of her father’s career as a carpenter and how much of his life was spent working. Crawford does not see the same work ethic in Christoff.
From what I see, Mr. Christoff just doesn’t spend his time doing anything real productive,” Crawford said. “He does do a lot of fishing when he’s not making all that ruckus.”
Crawford has watched Christoff pulling nets full of fish along with multiple loaves of bread out of his car’s trunk about three to four times a week.
It would seem to me the man is more of a baker or cook of sorts with all that food he keeps bringing home,” Crawford said.
As for “all that ruckus”, the music is not the cause.
According to Crawford it was his shouting, waking up her children and leaving her no choice but to call authorities.
If it was just the chanting, I could bear it,” Crawford said. “But it was so much more. He’d stand on that mound in his front yard and just start ranting to whoever happened to walk by.”
The grassy two foot mound in Christoff’s front yard decorated with plastic olive branches is the apparent meeting place for his rallies.
Crawford recalls not only “whole crowds” forming in Christoff’s front yard but 12 unidentified men consistently appearing at his house.
I’ve been worried for my children’s safety ever since I saw [Christoff’s] moving van pull up,” Crawford said. “I mean what kind of single man has 12 men constantly going in and out of his home? I’ve been in his house when the Johnsons owned it. Believe me it’s not that big.”
Denny Gregory, another neighbor, experienced Christoff’s antics first hand after accepting a dinner invitation last Friday night.
I knew some of my neighbors had problems with him,” Gregory said, “but I thought why not stop on by. You know give the guy a break.”
Gregory did not see Christoff’s basement brewery on Friday. Instead Gregory said they spent most of their time in his dining room.
I can’t say [Christoff] isn’t a nice guy,” Gregory said. “He was very welcoming. It’s his feet infatuation that left me feeling, well uncomfortable.”
Gregory says Christoff insisted on cleaning his feet.
I showered before I went over but he brought out towels and a wash bin filled with water,” Gregory said. “Jesus couldn’t get his mind off my feet. He was obsessed.”
After several minutes of insisting his feet were clean, Gregory finally gave into Christoff's persistance and put his feet into the water.
I figured what’s the harm in one guy rubbing another guy’s feet,” Gregory said. “I must admit for a carpenter, he was rather good. My feet still feel clean and his hands were surprisingly soft.”
Gregory does not see Christoff as a danger to the neighborhood.
I’ve seen these guys before,” Gregory said. “He has a real bad father complex. I mean that’s all we talked about, how great his father is.”
At one point Gregory said Christoff mentioned how much his father loves him.
I’m pretty sure Jesus is just recanting stories his mother told him,” Gregory said. “I mean his father left him before he was born. You know the typical deadbeat dad story.”
As far as Christoff’s weekly rallies, Gregory has mixed feelings.
I don’t particularly care for propaganda,” Gregory said. “On the other hand, it’s not like he’s hurting anyone.”
Whether Christoff is a real threat has yet to be seen.
As of now bond has been set for Chirstoff at $2,000 and authorities say the list of charges will be made public later this afternoon.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Changes to the electoral process will be seen in 2012

Washington D.C. Correspondent

The American people will see many changes as the 2012 elections approach. It appears we will no longer have candidates to vote for but rather corporations, organizations and other lobbyists. "We've decided to level with the American people and show them who they are really voting for," David Jepson, the president of the United States' Election Board said.Jepson said the world revolves around the bottom line and the bottom line in politics is which lobbyists can give candidates the most money. Next November as voters head to their booths they will now have a choice between such lobbyists as BP and the National Education Association.
There will be some dark horses in the races like the Sierra Club and Green Peace but let's be realistic, they'll be lucky to get 5 per cent of the vote,” Jepson said.
Since the Chief Executive Officers of cooperation and heads of associations will be far too busy with their businesses to run the country, they will send representatives on their behalf if elected to a seat.
Congressmen who currently hold positions will keep their seat until their term is up and then they will be replaced by whichever lobbyists wins their vacant position.
We can't kick out those who are currently in the Congress that would be unconstitutional not to mention a breach of contract,” Jepson said.
Some members of congress are outraged by the new voting conditions, even suggesting protests by the American people.
It's time for a revolution,” John Kerry said.
Other Congressmen do not seem quite as worried.
This is the way our country has been moving for quite sometime. This way we don't have to make back door deals. It's all out and in the open,” Rob Portman said.
Protesters stood outside the White House trying to urge President Barrack Obama to do something to stop what they see as the desecration of the United States of America.
I really wish I could do something to stop this,” Obama said. “Unfortunately this came as a compromise in order for us to move forward with our jobs initiative. This was the best outcome we could asked for.”
Obama said this will be a change for the people but not to worry, the corporations will represent themselves and since they too are the people, they will only have their best interest at hand. He also hinted at possibly staying president if the right corporation is voted into the Oval Office.
Vote Goldman Sachs in 2012,” Obama said.
There was outrage seen outside of the Capitol. Signs with slogans saying, “My dog is more of a human than your corporations” and “For the PEOPLE by the PEOPLE” loomed over Capitol Hill.
I can't believe this. What happened to this country?” Elaine Strockhome asked. “I'm getting my visa ready and am applying for dual citizenship in Canada.”
John Boehner smirked at the line of protesters as tears began to run down his face (he later admitted mostly from laughter) and stated they did not know their American politics.
For the people by the people? Haven't they heard of Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad? The Fourteenth Amendment has clearly been extended to corporations,” Boehner said.
Boehner also stated the 1877 Supreme Court Case of Munn versus Illinois where the Fourteenth Amendment was once again used to defend a corporation as a person of the United States of America and the most recent case of corporations being considered people, the 2010 case Citizens United versus Federal Election Commission.
While some Americans displayed their disapproval, their were others who could not find a flaw in the new rules and proudly supported voting corporations into office.
Corporations as a people have waited a long time for this day to come,” Rex Tillerson, Exxon Mobile CEO commented at yesterday's press conference. “I think most Americans forget that we're people too.”