Jesus is proclaimed lord of hide-and-seek

BY LIZZIE BIBBS
International Hide-and-Seek Chronical

The International Hide-and-Seek Organization (IHSO) is awarding Jesus with an honor for his hide-and-seek skills.
"If we can find him, we will be awarding Jesus with the Champion of Hide-and-Seek plaque and crown," George McFollin, president of IHSO said. "I mean this guy really is the master and lord of hide-and-seek. My four year old wishes she had his mad skills."
Jesus is being called by many, the "master of hide-and-seek." Stories about finding Jesus have been sweeping the internet and have been heard inside churches for years.

An image of what is engraved on the plaque Jesus will be receiving
for his "mad skills" of hide-and-seek.

David Brown, a 20 year old going to the University of Miami claims he found Jesus as he was about to take a shower in his fraternity house before his morning class.
"I pulled back the curtain and this man was standing there as I am standing there with my bare ass to the wind and I screamed," Brown said. "Jesus grinned at me and he said, 'You found me'."
Brown said he stood there in shock as Jesus "giggled like a sorority girl." It was then that Jesus ran into the kitchen and began counting.
"He said it was my turn to hide now," Brown said. "I heard him counting in the kitchen and I just thought maybe I wasn't quite over my acid trip but when I came out of the bathroom a half an hour later he was waiting for me."
Jesus stood outside the bathroom door and waited for the door to open. According to Brown when he opened the door Jesus said he was a horrible hider.
"He said 'Wow you're an easy find. Well you're it now.' He then ran down the hall and I haven't seen him since," Brown said.
Brown said several of his fraternity's alumni have reported finding Jesus after they graduated college.
"I've heard legends of Jesus playing hide-and-seek but now I am a true believer," Brown said.
Brown is not the only one reporting to find Jesus during a game of hide-and-seek. Jesus is appearing worldwide hiding behind trees, cardboard boxes and underneath blankets at homeless shelters.
Sightings are being reported from such places as London, England,  New York City and Beijing, China.
Alena Muroch, 54 years old from Moscow, Russia, said she found Jesus underneath a pile of dirty laundry.
"I was picking up my laundry off my bedroom floor when I grab what I thought was my white sheet, turns out it was Jesus' robe," Muroch said.
Muroch said Jesus jumped up in the same excitement and happy demeanor as when Brown found him.
"He kept saying 'You found me. You found me.'," Muroch said. "I was shocked and I must admit a little confused. I had no idea I was playing the game. It's not everyday you find Jesus."
Muroch said Jesus soon found her hanging laundry in the basement about an hour later.
"Jesus looked at me with his deep brown eyes and said, 'You call this hiding?' He then said I was 'it' and left," Muroch said.
Harold Brock, once a New York City homeless man who now runs a McDonald's franchise outside the city, found Jesus in a dumpster outside of Luigi's Pizza Shop.
"I was looking for scraps of food when Jesus sprang up from underneath a pile of empty pizza boxes. He said, 'I found you' and I have to admit it scared me," Brock said. "At first I thought he was going to call the police and I began to ran."
Brock said he thought perhaps it was Luigi himself cracking down on the homeless behind his shop.
Brock claims Jesus yelled after him, "That's right it's your turn to hide but don't worry I'll find you. The finding part is what I'm good at."
Brock ran to the Sacred Heart Homeless Shelter, where he decided to get a bite to eat and gather what had just happened to him.
"I thought about who had jumped out at me and I knew it wasn't the owner of the shop," Brock said. "Then I thought about his clothes, a white robe with a red sash coming down his right shoulder and that's when it hit me, I found Jesus."
Brock said it did not take long to confirm his discovery as there was a picture of Jesus painted on the shelter's walls and the painting was uncanny to the man he saw underneath the pizza boxes.
"Jesus then found me later that night as I was sleeping," Brock said. "I opened up my eyes and saw him looking down on me with that crazy grin of his."
Jesus told Brock he was now "it" again and then summed up his search for Brock as the "hardest bugger to find yet."
According to Brock Jesus was very impressed with his hiding skills.
"As Jesus was leaving he said I'll have to save you for another day," Brock said. "So I guess Jesus saved me."
Brock said he has not seen Jesus since but he did manage to find a job through the homeless shelter and eventually found a job at a McDonalds where he rose to the top.
"You know, being homeless and all, I've seen some crazy shit in my lifetime but nothing quite tops my game of hide-and-seek with Jesus," Brock said. "I found Jesus and didn't even know I was looking. Now that's a champ."

Chickens for pro-life strike in front of egg farm

Chickens from four different farms have now become pro-life advocates and are protesting in front of the Garrette's Farm.

LIZZIE BIBBS
Iowa Farm Exponent 

Local free range chickens have begun a pro-life protest outside of the Garratte poultry farm. 

The Garratte Farm is famous for range free eggs sold at many local markets including the Whole Foods located on West Avenue.

"I let them roam free because I thought it was the right thing to do. Maybe I gave them too much freedom," Joseph Garrette said.
The chickens began gathering late last week starting with around ten chickens camping out but soon word got around and now between 30 to 40 chickens, mostly female are clucking outside the gates of the farm.
Three roosters have joined, Pecker, Reddy and Grommit all three are rumored to have fathered more than 100 chicks in the past year alone.
Police are on full watch with the protesters, wearing their rally gear and keeping the chickens in line.
"I had one hen try to peck me last night," Officer Robert Soho said. "Let's just say she's no longer a free range chicken."
The officers said they understand the chickens first amendments rights but they are not aloud onto the Garratte's property and were told they could only protest on the land between the road and the ditch.
Signs reading, "It's my egg not your 'bawk'" and "I don't eat your eggs" are what the Garratte family wakes up to each morning since the protest began.
"This is the first time I've ever heard them complain," Garratte said. "Unfortunately I have to feed my family and the eggs we eat are before life has even formed."
The chickens are on the other side of the fence and say once an egg is laid, that's the beginning of life.
Many protesters have been standoffish to the media clucking the other way or avoiding eye contact, but one brave hen has chosen to speak with the help of the only local who is fluent in chicken clucks, Ron Potter.
"I lay at least one egg a day and out of those eggs I maybe see 13 of those get fertilized by Grommit our head rooster," Clucky the hen from two farms down said. "I am a pro-lifer and I believe every egg is sacred."
Farm Herman Yessie said if he were to have Grommit fertilize every egg, his farm would be overrun by chickens.
"I have about 50 hens, well I guess about 27 now that some of them run off with this pro-life movement," Yessie said. "If all those hens' eggs were to hatch into chicks, there would be overcrowding and lets be honest those hens can't take care of that many chicks."

Yessie said the hens would expect him to take care of the chicks.

“Then when the chicks become hens and roosters, I'll be the one who has to feed and a whole new cycle of new chicks would be born and I'll be again stuck with them. It'd be never ending and in the end who suffers, me. I will suffer because they eat off of my handouts,” Yessie said.
Yessie said his hens spend most of their days begging for food and chasing around Sparky their dog.
"They're pecking the hand that feeds them," Yessie said.
Yessie also points out the farmers court case McDonald versus Cleveland which settles their right to eat the hens' egg.
"We settle this over 30 years ago," Yessie said. "The court clearly gives us the right to chose which eggs are eaten and which are left to fertilization."
The protesting hens are trying to overturn the ruling some even wearing red tape across their beaks with the word LIFE written in black chicken scratch.
Clucky said she would like to be able to make the decision of how many chicks she can raise up to God.
"I'm a grown hen and I can handle more than Mr. Yessie thinks," Clucky said. "If it becomes too much there are a few schools down the road I can take my chicks too."
Clucky was at one time all for the notion of eating eggs but life took a different turn a few years ago.
"I found Jesus and I realized if God wants me to fertilize 365 eggs a year and raise them, then I can do that," Clucky said.
Clucky said it is a barbaric ritual the way the eggs are tossed aside and left to the cartons where they await their fate to be eaten with a side of bacon.
When asked how Yessie is suppose to find the money to feed all those chicks Clucky was not so concerned.
"Everyone talks about finances. I don't speak in money's terms, I speak in God's terms and he will find Yessie a way to afford all those chicks," Clucky said. “As long as I'm able to lay eggs, those eggs should have the right to become chicks.”
Clucky said it's the eggs who are the real victims.

“The unhatched chicks don't have the voice to say, 'Don't eat me! Let me be fertilized!' Therefore I am their voice,” Cluckey said.
Clucky and the protesters plan on staying put until their demands are met.
"We want the right to life," Clucky said. "Take your hands off my eggs!"

Local Man Arrested for Operating Basement Winery

By: Lizzy Bibbs

New Amestent Gazette Staff Reporter

Twenty-nine-year old carpenter, Jesus Christoff was taken into custody by New Amestent Police yesterday evening for failure to obtain a license while operating a small winery in his basement Chief of Police, Deputy Sam Lot said.

“I wasn’t selling any of it,” Christoff said after being handcuffed. “I was saving it for a friend’s wedding.”

Lot says he is shocked by the discovery.

“He keeps saying it’s for a wedding,” Lot said. “Wedding or not, it is still illegal in the State of Maryland to operate an alcohol distillation facility without proper licensing.”

After a two month investigation Lot had no choice but to arrest Christoff.

“We found 500 barrels of homemade wine in Christoff’s basement,” Lot said.

Many are outraged by the amount of alcohol found on the premises.

“What was this guy doing? Turning water to wine?” Christoff’s neighbor, Gene Foster asked. “He’s only lived here for five months.”

Lot said police have been watching Christoff after receiving several noise complaints for rallies held on his property.

“We had many complaints of the noise coming from Mr. Christoff’s yard,” Lot said. “Some had suggested possible cult activity but we had no idea we’d find this.”

Next door neighbor Laura Crawford has personally called the police when the noise got too loud.

However Crawford’s suspicion started even before the noise began.

“The man says he’s a carpenter,” Crawford said. “But I’ve never seen him pick up a hammer. I just don’t trust him.”

Crawford cannot seem to fathom how her neighbor could possibly be a carpenter. According to Crawford, Christoff has never been seen with any sort of woodworking equipment and his small yellow 1968 Volks Wagon bug is hardly the vehicle for carrying around materials.

“I just don’t see it,” Crawford said. “Carpenters have to spend a lot of time with their work.”

Crawford spoke of her father’s career as a carpenter and how much of his life was spent working. Crawford does not see the same work ethic in Christoff.

“From what I see, Mr. Christoff just doesn’t spend his time doing anything real productive,” Crawford said. “He does do a lot of fishing when he’s not making all that ruckus.”

Crawford has watched Christoff pulling nets full of fish along with multiple loaves of bread out of his car’s trunk about three to four times a week.

“It would seem to me the man is more of a baker or cook of sorts with all that food he keeps bringing home,” Crawford said.

As for “all that ruckus”, the music is not the cause.

According to Crawford it was his shouting, waking up her children and leaving her no choice but to call authorities.

“If it was just the chanting, I could bear it,” Crawford said. “But it was so much more. He’d stand on that mound in his front yard and just start ranting to whoever happened to walk by.”

The grassy two foot mound in Christoff’s front yard decorated with plastic olive branches is the apparent meeting place for his rallies.

Crawford recalls not only “whole crowds” forming in Christoff’s front yard but 12 unidentified men consistently appearing at his house.

“I’ve been worried for my children’s safety ever since I saw [Christoff’s] moving van pull up,” Crawford said. “I mean what kind of single man has 12 men constantly going in and out of his home? I’ve been in his house when the Johnsons owned it. Believe me it’s not that big.”

Denny Gregory, another neighbor, experienced Christoff’s antics first hand after accepting a dinner invitation last Friday night.

“I knew some of my neighbors had problems with him,” Gregory said, “but I thought why not stop on by. You know give the guy a break.”

Gregory did not see Christoff’s basement brewery on Friday. Instead Gregory said they spent most of their time in his dining room.

“I can’t say [Christoff] isn’t a nice guy,” Gregory said. “He was very welcoming. It’s his feet infatuation that left me feeling, well uncomfortable.”

Gregory says Christoff insisted on cleaning his feet.

“I showered before I went over but he brought out towels and a wash bin filled with water,” Gregory said. “Jesus couldn’t get his mind off my feet. He was obsessed.”

After several minutes of insisting his feet were clean, Gregory finally gave into Christoff's persistance and put his feet into the water.

“I figured what’s the harm in one guy rubbing another guy’s feet,” Gregory said. “I must admit for a carpenter, he was rather good. My feet still feel clean and his hands were surprisingly soft.”

Gregory does not see Christoff as a danger to the neighborhood.

“I’ve seen these guys before,” Gregory said. “He has a real bad father complex. I mean that’s all we talked about, how great his father is.”

At one point Gregory said Christoff mentioned how much his father loves him.

“I’m pretty sure Jesus is just recanting stories his mother told him,” Gregory said. “I mean his father left him before he was born. You know the typical deadbeat dad story.”

As far as Christoff’s weekly rallies, Gregory has mixed feelings.

“I don’t particularly care for propaganda,” Gregory said. “On the other hand, it’s not like he’s hurting anyone.”

Whether Christoff is a real threat has yet to be seen.

As of now bond has been set for Chirstoff at $2,000 and authorities say the list of charges will be made public later this afternoon.