Sunday, September 22, 2013

Pelosi wants Boehner to give her Disco Barbie back!

Boehner admits his first thought was just to hit Pelosi with the mallet
but then thought taking her Barbie would give him more leverage.
The Obamacare debate has come to head in Washington D.C., as Republican Speaker of the House, John Boehner has stolen Democrat and Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi’s limited edition 1973 Disco Barbie.
Boehner has promised he will cut off the Barbie doll’s head if Obamacare is not repealed.
“I have her Disco Barbie and I am prepared to use my G.I. Joe issued army knife to dismember her if Obamacare continues as planned,” Boehner said.
Pelosi received a cut and paste ransom note from Boehner informing her of the hostage situation. She vows she will not sit back and take this blatant and ruthless threat.
“I am giving Boehner five days to give me my Barbie back or I’m telling Obama and you just wait Mr. Speaker of the House because you’re going to get it,” Pelosi said. “I’ve already told Biden, and he is very upset with this situation.”
Biden confirmed his knowledge of the Barbie hostage. Pelosi came to him Barbie-less and in tears on Friday.
Biden is very disappointed in Boehner and commented on the Ohio republican knowing better.
“I took Boehner aside and said he needs to give Barbie back to Pelosi because she’s a nice girl and this isn’t how we treat nice girls in our neighborhood. I went on to say this is not how we get what we want,” Biden said. “Boehner responded with an ‘I don’t want to.’”
Boehner then reportedly stuck his tongue out at Biden. Biden told him his actions are “mean”.
“Boehner then looked me in the eye and said, ‘I know you are but what am I?’ It was a question I was unprepared for,” Biden said. “I just looked at him and said, ‘You just wait until Obama gets home young man. I’m going to tell him everything. You won’t be smirking then, will you?’”
Pelosi received this Polaroid along with a ransom note.
Pelosi said not to be fooled by Barbie's smile as she
can feel her pain.

The fight over Obamacare’s implementation still continues as Pelosi patiently waits to be reunited with Disco Barbie. She gave her final pleas on The Capitol steps yesterday afternoon.
“Ken is worried about Barbie,” Pelosi said. “Enough with the games Boehner, you’re hurting me and the whole Barbie Disco Kingdom. Barbie was set to be crowned Disco Dancing Queen, but you had to go and ruin the whole thing. The dance has now been cancelled.”
Pelosi’s Justice Sandra O’Connor limited edition Barbie gave a court order to Boehner after the press conference to return Disco Barbie immediately.
Obama had this to say about the hostage crisis at hand.
“I had a heart to heart discussion with Boehner where I told him how disappointed I am in him and how I know he didn’t mean to take Pelosi’s Barbie. It was simply a misunderstanding that got out of hand,” Obama said. “I told him he was a good boy and I know he will rectify the situation soon.”
Obama said he doesn’t like being the hard one on his Congress. He knows they are all in this together and they will all learn as they grow.
“I don’t like to be the tough one, but someone has to,” Obama stated. “Although Boehner should be warned, if I find out little Miss Pelosi did not receive her doll back, I will have to take out the old belt and no one wants it to come to that.”

Boehner has not mentioned the talk with Obama but did not seem to show remorse over taking the Barbie without permission. He only had this to say, “Pelosi and the democrats started it.”

Friday, April 5, 2013

Women not human, science claims

Science and Mankind Review

Scientists have released a study which proves women are not humans but a mythical, supernatural being whose sole purpose is to seduce mankind and eventually take over the world.
Doctor Richard VanSmute has determined no matter how cute
and inocent women may look, they are soul sucking vampires.
“There’s a reason women were put in their place for so long,” Doctor Richard VanSmute, head of the study said. “They’re like vampires except instead of blood, they suck your soul. They’re soul sucking vampires.”
The study is considered to be the most comprehensive report ever published on the subject of women.
“We have determined women are more demon than human,” VanSmute said. “I ask you, what other creature can bleed for seven days straight and not die?”
VanSmute studied other animals and found most would die within the second or third day.
“We found with the amount of blood a women bleeds, they should be dead long before the seven days are up. Most monkeys died within the first five hours and men died within a day,” VanSmute said. “We are pretty sure the only way to kill a woman is by stabbing her in the heart.”
The study also shows how women use their puppy eyes and tears to manipulate the souls of men.
“We saw through the use of tears, eyes and even a quick flash of cleavage men are left astray,” VanSmute said. “If we don’t watch out, they really will change the world as we know it.”
VanSmute began the study 12 years after a nasty divorce with his wife.
“After she cheated on me with my best friend, took everything I ever loved and half of all my assets, I thought she must not have a soul,” VanSmute said. “Although it’ll be a few more years until we determine where and if the soul lies in a women but I think the study does show something terribly inhuman about these creatures.”
After recent claims of Obama and even the pope being the Anti-Christ, VanSmute is sure the Anti-Christ will be a woman.
“The Anti-Christ won’t be in a suit in tie,” VanSmute said. “Mark my words, the Anti-Christ will be packaged in lipstick, high heels and a nice rack. In fact I am fairly positive the Anti-Christ might be the entire women race.”
VanSmute would like to put the whole world on red alert against women to keep the apocalypse at bay.
“I am on the fight to not only put women back in the kitchen but in cages,” VanSmute said. “It’s the only way to maintain a future for the planet Earth.”

Friday, March 15, 2013

God said he could end the world if Jesus would learn to use a sword

Apocalypto Times

It seems as if every decade, another “End of the World” following begins. If it’s not a Jonestown cult, it’s the year 2000 or December 21, 2012. Yet each date has passed and as long you were not a member of the Heaven’s Gate or a similar cult following, the world is still spinning.
However God admits he’s been ready for the apocalypse for over 100 hundred years but it is Jesus who keeps holding him back.
“Jesus is supposed to be the leader of the apocalypse with his sword, but my son will not learn how to proper carry and use a sword,” God said.
Jesus said he does not see the point of learning how use a sword as it is no longer a cool form of weaponry unless you are filming a Tolkien movie.
“We’ve moved past the Middle Ages quite some time ago,” Jesus said. “We have guns and cannons and tanks now dad. Why in your name would I ever carry a sword? Get with the times.”
God is frustrated as Jesus has consistently missed his fencing and swordsmanship classes.
“I pay for these classes and he’s consistently hours late if he shows up at all. I’m not asking for much,” God said. “I’m trying to save the Christians here. Get your ass in gear already.”
Jesus does not understand how carrying a sword is scary anymore or even a sign of power.
“I’ll be the laughing stock of Earth as I’m on my white horse with a double edged sword. I'll look around to see military tanks and assault rifles pointed my way," Jesus said. "I’ll last two seconds down there and the people of Earth will have to await a third coming.”
God is sure Jesus is just adamant on defying him.
“He hasn’t rode a horse in months,” God said. “Powder-puff is just grazing in the fields saddle less. The last time Jesus rode a horse he almost fell off.”
For Jesus the whole apocalypse scenario is severely outdated. From the horse down to the sword, Jesus thinks the story needs a reboot.
“I would like my second coming to include an Apache Helicopter and a bazooka,” Jesus said.
God rolled his eyes as he heard his son’s description.
“This is why I am the Lord and he is merely my son,” God said. “Sure he knows a few magic tricks but I am the brains of this operation. It’s a sword, period.”
God said he cannot go back on his word as the prophets have already written the story of Jesus’ second coming.
“John clearly wrote in Revelation that Jesus would come with a double edged sword and come with a double edged sword he will,” God said. "Come with a double edged sword, he will."
Jesus said the prophets are from an age where fire was still a new invention.
“Come on,” Jesus said. “I also told everyone I was going to the Prince of Peace and here I come with a double edged sword to save a few Christians. The word’s not exactly written in stone.”
In the end Jesus has accepted his contradictions of teachings.
“I’m not complaining but it does seem a tad bit hypocritical,” Jesus said. “I did initiate the golden rule but if I’m going to break my promise, I want to look like a Bruce Willis character, not a Monty Python sketch.”
However, God is growing impatient and can no longer hold his anger inside.
"In the old days, I would just demolish Babylon or go all holocaust on civilians and all that aggression would simply disapear," God said. "Then I killed my son and held my anger in for over two milleniums. I just don't how much longer I can do this."
God said he had summoned enough anger to end the world by the American Civil War and had anticipated Jesus riding in with General Ulysses S. Grant at Fort Donelson.
“It was to be a majestic end of the world, the freeing of the slaves and then a big bang of apocalyptic grandeur,” God said. “I’m just frustrated. It’s a sword and he’s had over 2,000 years to learn.”
God’s simmer has now come to an over boil.
“The anger is in the pit of my stomach and for everyday Jesus puts off learning the sword, the more it grows,” God said.
God claims he now has enough aggression to completely destroy the Earth, Jupiter and half of Mars which is why he is urging Jesus to become a master swordsman.
“If I don’t destroy the world soon, some angels might lose their wings,” God said.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Extreme couponers slash prices, medical style

Slice of Life Medical Journal

Local hospitals are experiencing an overload of extreme couponers making their way to the Emergency Room to cash in on discounts.
“We have at least 20 more patients a day than usual,” George Mackey, an Emergency Room doctor at Mercy West Hospital in Cleveland, said. “They come in with binders in hand and medical requests ready. It’s actually kind of annoying but you know, we’re professionals, we deal with nuts all the time, just not at this capacity.”
Couponers have founded a new place besides
their local groceries stores to cash in.
The couponers have been coming with coupons ranging from $50 off stitches to free kidney transplants.
“I brought in five $100 dollars off coupons for any injury which requires a cast,” Andrea Finley, an extreme couponer said. “With my insurance and the coupons, I had them cast my broken arm and my son’s and then I got $20 back.”
When asked how they received their injuries, Finley only had three words.
“With a hammer,” Finley said. “Those coupons were going to expire within the month. So I told my son Toby to get the hammer because we’re cashing in.”
Finley admitted it was painful but just like beauty, sometimes cash comes with pain.
“The worst part was waiting for ambulance to come,” Finley said. “But with my buy one get one free coupon for riding the ambulance, we paid half price.”
However even after Finley’s arm was tended to, she was not through yet.
“I told them I’m not leaving the hospital until they take out one of my kidneys,” Finley said. “There is a $10,000 off coupon for a kidney operation and with my insurance’s double coupon policy, I get $20,000 off. So I told them to take one out. I don’t need both to live.”
After this trip to the hospital, Finley will not be back for at least another six months.
“I will be spending my time eating all the junk food and candy I can find,” Finley said. “I have a gastric bypass surgery coupon I have to use up by the end of this year. Who knows, if I can get my hands on a few more, I might have enough for my whole family.”
Another extreme couponer Brian Jeffries came into Mercy West's ER with a gunshot wound to his left thigh.
“It was self-inflicted but worth it all since I’m getting $300 off the stitches and another $200 if they dig out the bullet,” Jeffries said.
Although the bullet was taken out without any other complications, Jeffries requested the doctors to place a breathing tube down his throat.
“I get $50 back with the ten breathing tube coupons I have collected,” Jeffries said. “Even if it takes all night, I will not leave until they shove that tube down my throat. I mean it’s $50 who wouldn’t take advantage of it?”
Jeffries remembers a time when a trip to the hospital would break the bank but now he can make frequent trips and get the bang for his buck.
“I use to make one trip a year to the hospital and it would take me all the next year to pay off the visit. Now I can make weekly trips and receive cash back,” Jeffries said. “It’s all about doing your research and knowing the prime season for injuries.”
Jeffries spends seven hours a day looking for medical coupons and has highlighted his calendar for monthly discounts at his local doctors and hospitals.
“Next week I’ll be traveling down the road to Saint Anthony’s Hospital. They’re offering discounted prostrate exams and I have a coupon for 75 percent off,” Jeffries said. “Guess who will be making another $10 next week?”
Mercy West and many other area hospitals are now considering adding an extra ward just for couponers.
“We figure we’ll just add on to our psych ward and place all our interns on duty in that area of the hospitals,” Mackey said. “I mean no real doctor actually wants to work on these patients and they’ll give the interns plenty of practice.”

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Kris Kringle not having a wonderful Christmastime after charged with stalking

Kris Kringle was arrested outside of his North Pole Estate late yesterday morning after a worldwide stalking operation was discovered. 
Holiday Press

Kris Kringle has been arrested outside his North Pole mansion for stalking young children throughout the United States and the world.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) found surveillance videos of over 30 million children and furthermore found spying elves working for Santa in over 10 million houses across The United States, Canada and the United Kingdom.
“The pervert was watching children all day long,” FBI agent, George Stell said. “We found surveillance cameras on children’s book bags, in closets and all through people’s houses. We even found a camera in a first grade classroom in Santa Monica, California”
Stell encourages anyone with a child to search their house for these cameras and even for elves.
“We have no idea the span of his operation but we think there is potential for every child in the world to have some sort of surveillance,” Stell said. “We even found these pint sized elves he calls Buddy spying on children and creeping around people’s houses.”
One of those elves was found in a house belonging to Selma Washington, a mother of two.
“I opened up our cupboard where we keep the cereal when I saw a box of Captain Crunch toppled over and it was moving,” Washington said. “When I took a closer look I saw these skinny little legs peeking out.”
Washington, in a state of panic, screamed which scared the Buddy and he began to run from her.
“I picked up a butcher knife and proceeded after him,” Washington said. “Thought the bugger was fast and he managed to get away.”
Washington is now terrified Buddy will return.
“No one is safe,” Washington said.
Nine year old, Betsy Johnson had a similar experience though it was not with a Buddy elf but rather with Kringle himself.
“I was sleeping when I woke up because it felt like someone was watching me in my sleep,” Johnson said.
Johnson awoke to Kringle staring at her through her window.
“He was in our tree,” Johnson said.
Johnson said once Kringle realized he had been caught, he quickly left the scene without saying a word.
“He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.” Johnson said.
It was Johnson’s description which enabled police to catch Kringle.
“The Johnson girl described Kringle as cheeks like roses, a nose like a cherry,” Stell said. “She also decribed his mouth as droll and drawn up like a bow and the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.”
Johnson also described his girth as a “little round belly that shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.”
Kringle’s public relations manager released this statement.
“Kringle was simply monitoring the children of the world and making lists of who was naughty and nice,” the statement said. “No harm was ever intended or were the tapes to be seen by anyone beyond the walls of his workshop.”
The complete list of boys and girls was found on Kringle’s hard drive.
Stell commented on how amazed he was at Kringle’s organization skills.
“We found list of children with all their good deeds and mean spirited actions described in detail. We’re talking about a full year worth of logs,” Stell said. 
Stell took notice of most children being under the age of 12 with a a few hundred between the ages of 13 to 14 and an even slimmer margin of 15 and above. 
Kringle also seemed to only watch gentile boys and girls.
“The list were quite strange as most the children were Christian and we also found a hand written list in his desk labeled ‘Jewish’,” Stell said. “However these children were not differentiated from naughty and nice.”
Stell warns all parents to keep an eye on their children this season as although the cameras have been disabled, many more Buddy elves may be on the loose.
“I warn everyone out there Kris Kringle’s mob is coming to town and they sees when you are sleeping and knows when you’re awake,” Stell said. “We caught the head honcho but the extent of his operation has yet to be seen.”
Kringle is set to be arraigned later this week.
“I’ve seen many stalkers in my day but this guy takes stalking to a whole new level,” Stell concluded. “I’m just glad this man is off our streets.”

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Pope gives new manger scene regulations

Vatican Chronicle

After Pope Benedict XVI’s spoke out against animals being placed in manger scenes a few weeks ago, Benedict is now preparing to hand pamphlets out to Catholic Churches worldwide, on how the manger should be set up.
“The Bible does not say that animals were present at the birth of Jesus,” Benedict said. “There were no cattle or horses. The donkey Mary and Joseph rode in was placed outside. Nobody wants a jackass near them during labor.”
Some have wondered what happened to the animals of the patrons at the inn.
courtesy of
The animals in this manger scene is just the beginning of errors according to 
Pope Benedict XVI.

"God kicked them out," Benedict said. "God had to make room for his son. Besides it's not like animals have souls or anything."
The pope goes further and says all reminisce of snow should also be removed.
“Bethlehem sits on the edge of the Judean Desert. You should place your manger in sand,” Benedict said.
Also Benedict commented on manger scene hay being too clean. Even if Jesus was an easy birth, Mary would have bled.
“She was a virgin giving birth. I may not know too much about the process of giving birth but I do know blood and afterbirth is involved,” Benedict said. “I’ve seen a few movies in my time. It’s never a pretty scene.”
In response to this issue, Vatican will be selling blessed fake blood and bits of placenta to place on the hay of any home, public or church manger scene.
“The splatter of blood and placenta will really bring authenticity to your manger and to Christmas this year,” Benedict said. “Also it should be only blessed blood placed in the manger since it will be the blood of the Blessed Virgin.”
Another major flaw on traditional mangers is most having a whole wall that has been removed. The pope is particularly upset with this as most mangers have four walls not three and an opening.
“They would have been freezing,” Benedict said. “No way did the manger only have three walls. For one thing it would not have been structurally sound and who would place their animal in a three walled building overnight? No one with a brain that’s for sure.”
Finally the pope pointed out there should be no wise men in your manger until at least twelve days after Christmas.
“The wise men were late,” Benedict said. “Doesn’t anyone read their bibles anymore? They should not be in the scene for Christmas.”
Benedict said they can be across the room from the home manger scene or in another area of the park or church or wherever else the manger might be placed but under no circumstance should they appear by Jesus until January 6.
“It’s all about the details,” Benedict said. “How can you truly honor what Christmas is all about if you have all the facts and details wrong in your manger scene?”
Benedict also has a beef with many Christmas carols and will be releasing another pamphlet next week detailing which songs should be left out of your Christmas celebrations.
“There was no drummer boy at the scene of Jesus Christ’s brith,” Benedict said. “No one invites a drummer to see a newborn baby. What are we trying to do scare the son of God mere minutes after birth? He’ll be scared enough in about another 33 years or so.”

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Pilgrims won first Thanksgiving football game in 1621

Plymouth Rock Press

As turkey, potatoes and pumpkin pie is finished at the dinner table this Thanksgiving, many will get ready to cheer  their favorite football teams as they take the field. America will scream and shout at the television in their half-awake in their food induced comas.
Many think of the Thanksgiving football game as a 20th century addition to the holiday but historian Bruce Furgison has found documents depicting football being played at the first Thanksgiving in 1621.
“Isaiah Smith writes in his diary of the game, pilgrims versus Indians in a knuckle to knuckle head butting battle,” Furgison said. “There are other findings as well such as Indian folklore which tells of a shirt versus skins game with an irregular shaped ball.”
A schoolbook from 1640 also tells the story of the Indians and pilgrims football game.
“It was a delightful meal of eel and corn and fowl and of course it all ended with a man versus savage all bets in game of American football,” the book reads.

A recreation of how the first Thanksgiving football might have looked in 1621

The Thanksgiving football game is a time honored tradition and it is no coincidence that the base of a turkey resembles a football.
“The pilgrims used the turkey as the first football,” Furgison said. “It was a lot heavier than the traditional football used today and the skin was very delicate.”
The natives told stories of the skin falling to the ground creating a hazard on the field.
“Once the pilgrim saw the skin was slippery, they would throw the skin off to trip those of us in their tracks,” a native reported a few years later to the Plymouth Rock Free Times. “I still to this day do not understand how this was not a foul.”
The game was brutal with pilgrims only equipped with cloth hats and their short shorts and the natives shirtless, no one had it easy.
“The natives called the pilgrims sissy boys for wearing such short knickers,” Furgison said. “The pilgrims were not known for their sense of humor so they never had a comeback except for the occasional savage line.”
The first Thanksgiving is also the first record of a halftime show.
“It was the first ever halftime show as the pilgrims and Indians ran off the field because of a bear interference,” Furgison said. “The bear roamed the field for a half hour straight and both teams noted the small break was a good time to regroup.”
According to Smith’s diary, the game last about an hour and half and the final score was 35 to 10 with the pilgrims winning.
“The Indians were not all too familiar with the game and surprisingly neither were the pilgrims,” Furgison said. “In fact it is the first and last game the pilgrims ever won because as soon as the slave trade came to the colonies, the pilgrims didn’t stand a chance.”
As a prize the pilgrims claimed the land, the right to slaughter natives and of course they retained bragging rights.
“Everyone thinks of Thanksgiving as a feast to celebrate unity when in fact is was a celebration of winning the first American football game,” Furgison said.
The pilgrims and colonists would continue their celebration of the win for years with celebrations and raids of thanks.
In 1641, after having a holocaust-esq raid on the Pequot tribe in Connecticut, the churches declared a day of thanksgiving to celebrate.
“During this feast, the decapitated heads of Natives were kicked through the streets of Manhatten of course each head wore its own helmet,” Furgison said. “One lucky head was shaped into a football and used as the official game ball.”
Though the pilgrims had the overall win, the Indians did get a consolation prize which would be passed down for generations or at least until the last man in their tribe was wiped out.
“The pilgrims were nice enough to give the Indians blankets to keep them warm during the winter,” Furgison said. “Of course these blankets were riddled with Small Pox but that is just another minor detail in the epic first ever Thanksgiving football game.”