Thursday, August 30, 2012

Clint Eastwood talks to inanimate objects at RNC; doctor apologizes

photo courtesy of Getty

Clint Eastwood addresses a chair he believes to be President Obama .

Hollywood Vindicator

Clint Eastwood’s doctor apologized after subscribing him the wrong medication which caused him to hallucinate President Barack Obama during his speech at the Republican National Convention.
In fact Eastwood was talking to an empty chair.
“I was so surprise Obama agreed to come on stage with me,” Eastwood said after making his speech.
Eastwood stood in front of millions across the nation and held a full conversation with the chair he thought was seated with Obama.
Some at the convention  saw the act as a joke.
“I just thought what a character,” Josie Monaray, from Augusta, Georgia, said. “I was laughing during most of his speech.”
Others saw the true madness of Eastwood’s nature.
“I whispered to my wife, I think he’s having a psychotic episode,” John Frohn, a doctor himself from Houston, Texas, said. “She whispered back to me, ‘No honey. He’s old. It’s Alzheimer’s’.”
Robert Yessy, Eastwood’s doctor was embarrassed as he realized his mistake.
“I wrote the wrong prescription. I will take the blame for what occurred at the RNC. I am ashamed,” Yessy said.
According to Yessy, he was trying experimental medications on Eastwood, many which have work but this past time around; his pen got the better of him as his handwriting was misread by a pharmacist.
“I cannot tell you the exact medication which was subscribed but I have later found the pharmacist mistook my T for a K and my E for A that made all the difference,”Yessy said.  “I’ve been trying to get his psychosis under control for years and as he got on that stage, he had crazy beaming from his eyes. I just thought, oh no.”
Before going on stage there were reports of Eastwood yelling at people backstage.
“He grabbed my shirt and pulled me close to his face and asked me if I was a democratic spy,” Brandon VanHuet said. “He called me a punk, threw me to the ground and kicked me. I feared for my life.”
Eastwood thought a group of men at the sound booth were a part of Obama’s secret service.
“He asked me how it felt to be protecting a man who is destroying our country,” Tim Gundy said. “I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about and he said, ‘Oh you’re a liberal? Well Mr. Secret Service Boy it’s nice to know some democrats have balls.’ I was highly confused and he just stared me down and then walked away.”
Gus Furgan, a backstage crewmember reported seeing Eastwood speaking to tables, chairs and even at one point the curtain.
“There was a point he took the curtain and said wow you look mighty good in red Mrs. Romney,” Furgan said. “After that he was talking with Hilary Clinton for at least 15 minutes.”
According to Furgan, Clinton was actually a broom.
“I’ve never seen anyone manhandle a broom like that,” Furgan said. “He took her to a back closet and I didn’t see him for the rest of the night.”
David Gregory was the one who found Eastwood a few hours later.
“I opened the closet door and found Mr. Eastwood only in his boxers,” Gregory said. “Wow now that was a surprise.”
Eastwood apparently with squinting eyes and a cigarette in his mouth began quoting old movie lines, some of which were from characters he portrayed and others were not.
“He said, ‘Go ahead make my day’,” Gregory said. “Then he looked at a broom which was on the ground, picked up his clothes and said. ‘Here’s looking at you kid’.”
Yessy who had been looking for Eastwood for over five hours, was notified as Eastwood sat backstage talking with an empty beer bottle or Condoleezza Rice as he would call it.
“Luckily he was pleased with that empty bottle of Coors,” Gregory said. “He really took a liking to that bottle. I would say, that must be his beer of choice.”

Friday, August 24, 2012

Lizzie's hate mail tips

As election season comes to a head, the hate mail begins to flood in the news media’s gates.
For those thinking about writing their hate filled rants to their local or perhaps national media outlet, you should keep a few tips in mind.
The first thing you should do is edit your work. Most of the people who will be reading your letters are somewhat educated pupils and they will notice all of your double negatives, missing commas and incorrect verb usages.
It always helps when someone else reads through your work and if you don’t have a sister, mother, brother, in-law or friend to review your work, reading it aloud can help deter many errors.
When declaring a reporter a member of the liberal media, just state liberal media, do not add such adjectives as, Jewish, gay, lesbian, communist or Nazi.
Which brings us to the next point, using communist and Nazi synonymously is not politically correct. You see my animosity filled readers, a communism is the left wing gone to the extreme economically speaking and Nazism is a political ideology more commonly associated with a fascist society, which by the way is  a right wing government to the ultimate extreme, not left winged.
A quick history lesson can depict a communist feeling towards Nazism; during World War II, Hitler fought against Stalin. There quick and easy, communism and Nazism not even close to the same ideology.
Now that we’ve gotten through the definition section, let’s move on to citing your sources.
If as a reporter, I must quote sources and at least partially research my article, I expect you to do so as well.
Don’t just declare I have slept with the mayor and his wife without at least one reputable citation.
For example, “Bartholomew, my schizophrenic neighbor, said you slept with the mayor and his wife during a rousing Monday night post-city council meeting” or “Herbert, the midget inside my head, said you are such a slut you have slept with everyone in council and then topped it off with a one night stand with the chief of police.”
If I were to read such a citation, I’d think, wow this guy really did his research. I myself half believe his story.
My finally suggestion is to just sign your name. Please don’t add a “sincerely”, “cordially yours”, “yours truly” or “love” before your John Hancock. Doing so just makes you seem even more of a douche as it appears you are being ultra-sarcastic and patronizing.
Following these few simple tips will really up your game as you declare your anger towards that liberal, socialist and bitch of a reporter who even tries to write a story with another point of view others than yours or perhaps covers a story you find to be biasedly slanted; like the story written about those dogs dressed in brightly colored tutus (they were obviously gay).
Happy hate-filled writing to you all! I look forward to reading your views in a more educated fashion. 

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Dead Sea Ultrasound reveals Jesus had a twin

Dead Sea Times

Jesus revealed today he was indeed a twin during his fetal stages after an image of Mary’s first ultrasound was found in Egypt.
“According to early ultrasounds, I was supposed to have a fraternal twin sister but half way through the pregnancy she was no longer,” Jesus said in a statement to the press.
The image of the twins was found by three Egyptians farmers as they were tilling their soil and is now being deemed the “Dead Sea Ultrasound”.
God admits he was hiding the ultrasound as it is a part of his past he wished to remain a secret and he had ordered the image destroyed.
“I told those monks to destroy it but I guess you never can trust a liberal to keep your lies a secret,” God said. “They always have a way of undermining authority.”

The Dead Sea Ultrasound was found by Egyptian farmers and God has confirmed Jesus was indeed at one time a twin.

Doctors have yet to determine the cause of Jesus’ sister’s early termination but say poor diet might have played a roll.
Jesus tells another story.
“Let’s face it there could only be one of us,” Jesus said. “I won.”
Jesus says his sister’s existence was cut short after a battle during prenatal stages.
“On my father’s requests, I disposed of her before she could take to life,” Jesus said.
God later confirmed Jesus’ statements.
“My initial thought was to have Mary give birth to both my son and daughter and have a tag team type revival,” God said. “Jesus would perform the miracles and my daughter would get me a nice dowry on which I would fix the roof of my house and buy an upstanding donkey and use the rest to start the building of the Vatican.”
God had made plans with Lucifer to marry his daughter at the ripe age of 14 but later rethought his whole plan.
 “Then I came to my senses. Let’s face it, the money would be nice but having a daughter would totally ruin my credibility,” God said. “There’s no way these loins would let an X chromosome slip out.”
God said his daughter’s life would have jeopardized the whole future of Christianity so he decided she must go.
“I was kind of in a catch 22 situation. I had already sacrificed two of my sperms to create these twins and those don’t come easy,” God said. “I couldn’t just terminate the pregnancy so I appeared to fetus Jesus in several dreams.”
God gave Jesus details on how to defeat his sister before she developed any further.
“She proved to be quite hard to kill. I was initially given detailed instructions on how to create a noose with her umbilical cord,” Jesus said. “This was our first failure.”
Jesus said he performed the deed while they were having a tea party.
“It was on April 2 a glorious Tuesday morning,” Jesus said. “Juanita, I named her Juanita, was seeping water through the imaginary tea bags and I was in action.”
Juanita had asked Jesus what he was doing as she could feel the tension on her cord. Jesus said he was adjusting her cord because “it had gotten tangled in the intestines.”
Juanita carried on her womanly duties without another thought to Jesus.
“Oh she was so gullible,” Jesus said. “She gave me my teacup and I told her it needed more sugar and as she turned to get the sugar off the top imaginary cupboard, I slipped the cord around her neck and gave a nice hard tug. She started laughing.”
Juanita had thought Jesus was making a nice gesture in making her a necklace.       
“She called me silly and said necklace are never supposed to be that tight,” Jesus said.
Jesus said he kept trying to pull harder on the noose but it only made her go into a fit of laughter.
“I pulled so hard on that thing but in that fetal stage we really didn’t have much of necks,” Jesus said. “Also my nubs of fingers really weren’t getting a nice enough grip.”
A second plan took place where Jesus tried to beat her death but their ill formed feet and fingers were not equipped for a proper beating.
“The third time is the charm as they say,” Jesus said. “In the end I had to eat her. She was always a deep sleeper and her placenta gave me the softest skin. It was an excellent exfoliator.”
Jesus believes some of his later powers came from Juanita.
“The fact that my first miracle was turning water to wine shows some of her feminine side coming through,” Jesus said. “If it had been a masculine miracle I would have turned the water to scotch and really gotten the party going.”
Mary stated Jesus was enough of divine intervention for any women.
“I can’t believe he wanted me to birth twins,” Mary said. “Really you knock up a virgin and expect her to push out twins on her first try. Let’s be realistic.”
God said Juanita was an unfortunate glitch in his plan for Jesus.
“The idea of spreading my seed across twins seemed quite manly at the time but once I actually thought about it, I knew what I had to do,” God said. “There isn’t a day I look back.”