Friday, August 24, 2012

Lizzie's hate mail tips

As election season comes to a head, the hate mail begins to flood in the news media’s gates.
For those thinking about writing their hate filled rants to their local or perhaps national media outlet, you should keep a few tips in mind.
The first thing you should do is edit your work. Most of the people who will be reading your letters are somewhat educated pupils and they will notice all of your double negatives, missing commas and incorrect verb usages.
It always helps when someone else reads through your work and if you don’t have a sister, mother, brother, in-law or friend to review your work, reading it aloud can help deter many errors.
When declaring a reporter a member of the liberal media, just state liberal media, do not add such adjectives as, Jewish, gay, lesbian, communist or Nazi.
Which brings us to the next point, using communist and Nazi synonymously is not politically correct. You see my animosity filled readers, a communism is the left wing gone to the extreme economically speaking and Nazism is a political ideology more commonly associated with a fascist society, which by the way is  a right wing government to the ultimate extreme, not left winged.
A quick history lesson can depict a communist feeling towards Nazism; during World War II, Hitler fought against Stalin. There quick and easy, communism and Nazism not even close to the same ideology.
Now that we’ve gotten through the definition section, let’s move on to citing your sources.
If as a reporter, I must quote sources and at least partially research my article, I expect you to do so as well.
Don’t just declare I have slept with the mayor and his wife without at least one reputable citation.
For example, “Bartholomew, my schizophrenic neighbor, said you slept with the mayor and his wife during a rousing Monday night post-city council meeting” or “Herbert, the midget inside my head, said you are such a slut you have slept with everyone in council and then topped it off with a one night stand with the chief of police.”
If I were to read such a citation, I’d think, wow this guy really did his research. I myself half believe his story.
My finally suggestion is to just sign your name. Please don’t add a “sincerely”, “cordially yours”, “yours truly” or “love” before your John Hancock. Doing so just makes you seem even more of a douche as it appears you are being ultra-sarcastic and patronizing.
Following these few simple tips will really up your game as you declare your anger towards that liberal, socialist and bitch of a reporter who even tries to write a story with another point of view others than yours or perhaps covers a story you find to be biasedly slanted; like the story written about those dogs dressed in brightly colored tutus (they were obviously gay).
Happy hate-filled writing to you all! I look forward to reading your views in a more educated fashion. 

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