God said he could end the world if Jesus would learn to use a sword

LIZZIE BIBBS

Apocalypto Times

It seems as if every decade, another “End of the World” following begins. If it’s not a Jonestown cult, it’s the year 2000 or December 21, 2012. Yet each date has passed and as long you were not a member of the Heaven’s Gate or a similar cult following, the world is still spinning.

However God admits he’s been ready for the apocalypse for over 100 hundred years but it is Jesus who keeps holding him back.

“Jesus is supposed to be the leader of the apocalypse with his sword, but my son will not learn how to proper carry and use a sword,” God said.

Jesus said he does not see the point of learning how use a sword as it is no longer a cool form of weaponry unless you are filming a Tolkien movie.

“We’ve moved past the Middle Ages quite some time ago,” Jesus said. “We have guns and cannons and tanks now dad. Why in your name would I ever carry a sword? Get with the times.”

God is frustrated as Jesus has consistently missed his fencing and swordsmanship classes.

“I pay for these classes and he’s consistently hours late if he shows up at all. I’m not asking for much,” God said. “I’m trying to save the Christians here. Get your ass in gear already.”

Jesus does not understand how carrying a sword is scary anymore or even a sign of power.

“I’ll be the laughing stock of Earth as I’m on my white horse with a double edged sword. I'll look around to see military tanks and assault rifles pointed my way," Jesus said. "I’ll last two seconds down there and the people of Earth will have to await a third coming.”

God is sure Jesus is just adamant on defying him.

“He hasn’t rode a horse in months,” God said. “Powder-puff is just grazing in the fields saddle less. The last time Jesus rode a horse he almost fell off.”

For Jesus the whole apocalypse scenario is severely outdated. From the horse down to the sword, Jesus thinks the story needs a reboot.

“I would like my second coming to include an Apache Helicopter and a bazooka,” Jesus said.

God rolled his eyes as he heard his son’s description.

“This is why I am the Lord and he is merely my son,” God said. “Sure he knows a few magic tricks but I am the brains of this operation. It’s a sword, period.”

God said he cannot go back on his word as the prophets have already written the story of Jesus’ second coming.

“John clearly wrote in Revelation that Jesus would come with a double edged sword and come with a double edged sword he will,” God said. "Come with a double edged sword, he will."

Jesus said the prophets are from an age where fire was still a new invention.

“Come on,” Jesus said. “I also told everyone I was going to the Prince of Peace and here I come with a double edged sword to save a few Christians. The word’s not exactly written in stone.”

In the end Jesus has accepted his contradictions of teachings.

“I’m not complaining but it does seem a tad bit hypocritical,” Jesus said. “I did initiate the golden rule but if I’m going to break my promise, I want to look like a Bruce Willis character, not a Monty Python sketch.”

However, God is growing impatient and can no longer hold his anger inside.

"In the old days, I would just demolish Babylon or go all holocaust on civilians and all that aggression would simply disapear," God said. "Then I killed my son and held my anger in for over two milleniums. I just don't how much longer I can do this."

God said he had summoned enough anger to end the world by the American Civil War and had anticipated Jesus riding in with General Ulysses S. Grant at Fort Donelson.

“It was to be a majestic end of the world, the freeing of the slaves and then a big bang of apocalyptic grandeur,” God said. “I’m just frustrated. It’s a sword and he’s had over 2,000 years to learn.”

God’s simmer has now come to an over boil.

“The anger is in the pit of my stomach and for everyday Jesus puts off learning the sword, the more it grows,” God said.

God claims he now has enough aggression to completely destroy the Earth, Jupiter and half of Mars which is why he is urging Jesus to become a master swordsman.

“If I don’t destroy the world soon, some angels might lose their wings,” God said.

Jesus’ teenage love notes found

LIZZIE BIBS

The Ancient Times

photo courtesy of www.knowledgerush.com.

One of Jesus' first love to Sarah notes is displayed up above.
They are set to be released next month.

                                         

We know very little about Jesus’ teenage years but a recent discovery of love notes in an old shoe box is giving insight to Jesus as a hormonal male in ancient times.

The box is painted pink with purple hearts taped to it and the words “Sarah and Jesus Forever” written in Hebrew on the top.

Historians are not sure who this Sarah is but speculate she was the first girl to begin developing in her class.

“We found an old high school year book which indicates Sarah had begun her pubescent development far above and beyond the other girls in her class,” Jerry George, a historian and archeologist at the dig said. “In short let’s just say she had moved beyond the training bra by fifth grade.”

The notes begin with a neatly written note to Jesus from Sarah asking if he thinks the two should date with a, “Yes”, “No” and “Maybe” circle option. Jesus circled “Yes” with a smiley face drawn beneath the circle.

The one thing the notes determine is Jesus was a love struck teenager much like most boys at the age of 14 but with a poetic flare.

“He wrote her many poems about his undying love for her,” George said.

One of the poems reads:

"I see you in the sunset

And in my eyes at night

With the wind you and me

Our love will last past this life

Into eternity

We're better together baby!"

The last poem he sent to Sarah is loosely translated below:

"Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

One day I’ll die on a cross

And it’ll be all for you"

This poem seems to be the one which brought on Sarah and Jesus’ breakup.

Sarah wrote in response to the poem, “What does that mean? You’ll die on a cross?!!! Seriously?!!! What does that mean?!!!!!! I think we should break up.”

Sarah then asks Jesus never to speak to her again.

“It’s clear Sarah was freaked out by the poem and who wouldn’t be? The cross wasn’t a nice symbol at the time and those who were crucified were mostly people condemned by the Romans,” George said. “It’s like telling a girl in today's world you’ll die by lethal injection for her.”

Though even with Sarah clearly wanting a break up, Jesus kept writing her more notes and poems.

“You are my everything. We can work this out baby. Just give me one more chance I promise I will never mention crucifixion again. I know I just mentioned it there again but that’s it. I’m done with it! I promise just come back to me,” Jesus wrote. “We’re better together!”

The next letter dabbles deeper into his depression and the denial of their breakup.

“My mother said I should give you a few more days to cool down. So I will. This will be the last note you’ll get from me, ever. The next move is all you,” Jesus wrote. “But seriously I love you. We should be together forever.”

It appears Jesus waited exactly one week before writing Sarah again.

“It’s been a week since I last wrote you. Where are you? Did my passenger pigeon bring it to the wrong house? Just respond to me so I know you’re alright,” Jesus wrote.

This time Sarah did respond with a letter of her own.

“Look Jesus, I got your letters and enough is enough. Stop wasting your time and mine. Get over it. I’ve moved on and am happily dating Peter. He’s the captain of the Gladiator Team and we’re getting married next month. I’ve moved on so should you,” Sarah wrote.

It was this note which brought Jesus out of his denial of their breakup and his anger began.

“You can really see Jesus go through the grieving stages within these notes as his next series of notes were very hateful and angry,” George said.

Jesus wrote his displeasure of Sarah and Peter.

“Fine date Peter. I hope the lions eat him,” Jesus said.

Jesus wrote more poems during this period riddle with swear words and vengeance. One of his tamer poems reads:

"You said you'd always be there
But now you're nowhere to be found
I can't believe you left me
I feel so low beneath the ground

Die bitch!"

The poem was written on paper with the words, “From the desktop of Jesus Christ” at the top.

“I would say with the amount of letters he wrote the whole relationship lasted around a month and the notes and poems that followed were all written within a six month time period,” George said.

Jesus eventually did move on with his last note reading, “Dearest Sarah, I am sorry for my past actions. I have found a new girl now named Mary (and no it’s not my mother). She is amazing and will love me forever unlike you. Once I ask her out we will have a deeper and more meaningful relationship than you and I ever had."

He goes on to describe Mary in detail using such adjectives as, “smart”, “beautiful”, “nice” and  “perky”.

He ends the letter with these final words, “So you see I’ve moved on and I can only hope you have too. Love, Jesus. P.S. I know you cheated on me with Peter, I will try and forgive you eventually but there are no guarantees.”

Sarah wrote back one more time after this note was received.

“Jesus I’m glad you moved on. Like I said before so have I. I am now pregnant with my first child and if you ever write to me again I will file for a restraining order. You’re beyond creepy and I will never love you. Also I’m sending all of your angry rants back to you. I would burn them but I feel you might find more pleasure in that,” Sarah wrote.

The full transcripts of Jesus and Sarah’s letters are set to be released next month.

“These letters are full of passion, hate and love,” George said. “It just goes to show a teenagers life is turbulent no matter what age, place or time you live in.”

Dead Sea Ultrasound reveals Jesus had a twin

LIZZIE BIBBS

Dead Sea Times

Jesus revealed today he was indeed a twin during his fetal stages after an image of Mary’s first ultrasound was found in Egypt.

“According to early ultrasounds, I was supposed to have a fraternal twin sister but half way through the pregnancy she was no longer,” Jesus said in a statement to the press.

The image of the twins was found by three Egyptians farmers as they were tilling their soil and is now being deemed the “Dead Sea Ultrasound”.

God admits he was hiding the ultrasound as it is a part of his past he wished to remain a secret and he had ordered the image destroyed.

“I told those monks to destroy it but I guess you never can trust a liberal to keep your lies a secret,” God said. “They always have a way of undermining authority.”

The Dead Sea Ultrasound was found by Egyptian farmers and God has confirmed Jesus was indeed at one time a twin.

Doctors have yet to determine the cause of Jesus’ sister’s early termination but say poor diet might have played a roll.

Jesus tells another story.

“Let’s face it there could only be one of us,” Jesus said. “I won.”

Jesus says his sister’s existence was cut short after a battle during prenatal stages.

“On my father’s requests, I disposed of her before she could take to life,” Jesus said.

God later confirmed Jesus’ statements.

“My initial thought was to have Mary give birth to both my son and daughter and have a tag team type revival,” God said. “Jesus would perform the miracles and my daughter would get me a nice dowry on which I would fix the roof of my house and buy an upstanding donkey and use the rest to start the building of the Vatican.”

God had made plans with Lucifer to marry his daughter at the ripe age of 14 but later rethought his whole plan.

 “Then I came to my senses. Let’s face it, the money would be nice but having a daughter would totally ruin my credibility,” God said. “There’s no way these loins would let an X chromosome slip out.”
God said his daughter’s life would have jeopardized the whole future of Christianity so he decided she must go.

“I was kind of in a catch 22 situation. I had already sacrificed two of my sperms to create these twins and those don’t come easy,” God said. “I couldn’t just terminate the pregnancy so I appeared to fetus Jesus in several dreams.”

God gave Jesus details on how to defeat his sister before she developed any further.

“She proved to be quite hard to kill. I was initially given detailed instructions on how to create a noose with her umbilical cord,” Jesus said. “This was our first failure.”

Jesus said he performed the deed while they were having a tea party.

“It was on April 2 a glorious Tuesday morning,” Jesus said. “Juanita, I named her Juanita, was seeping water through the imaginary tea bags and I was in action.”

Juanita had asked Jesus what he was doing as she could feel the tension on her cord. Jesus said he was adjusting her cord because “it had gotten tangled in the intestines.”

Juanita carried on her womanly duties without another thought to Jesus.

“Oh she was so gullible,” Jesus said. “She gave me my teacup and I told her it needed more sugar and as she turned to get the sugar off the top imaginary cupboard, I slipped the cord around her neck and gave a nice hard tug. She started laughing.”

Juanita had thought Jesus was making a nice gesture in making her a necklace.       

“She called me silly and said necklace are never supposed to be that tight,” Jesus said.

Jesus said he kept trying to pull harder on the noose but it only made her go into a fit of laughter.

“I pulled so hard on that thing but in that fetal stage we really didn’t have much of necks,” Jesus said. “Also my nubs of fingers really weren’t getting a nice enough grip.”

A second plan took place where Jesus tried to beat her death but their ill formed feet and fingers were not equipped for a proper beating.

“The third time is the charm as they say,” Jesus said. “In the end I had to eat her. She was always a deep sleeper and her placenta gave me the softest skin. It was an excellent exfoliator.”

Jesus believes some of his later powers came from Juanita.

“The fact that my first miracle was turning water to wine shows some of her feminine side coming through,” Jesus said. “If it had been a masculine miracle I would have turned the water to scotch and really gotten the party going.”

Mary stated Jesus was enough of divine intervention for any women.

“I can’t believe he wanted me to birth twins,” Mary said. “Really you knock up a virgin and expect her to push out twins on her first try. Let’s be realistic.”

God said Juanita was an unfortunate glitch in his plan for Jesus.

“The idea of spreading my seed across twins seemed quite manly at the time but once I actually thought about it, I knew what I had to do,” God said. “There isn’t a day I look back.”