Women not human, science claims

LIZZIE BIBBS
Science and Mankind Review

Scientists have released a study which proves women are not humans but a mythical, supernatural being whose sole purpose is to seduce mankind and eventually take over the world.

Doctor Richard VanSmute has determined no matter how cute
and inocent women may look, they are soul sucking vampires.

“There’s a reason women were put in their place for so long,” Doctor Richard VanSmute, head of the study said. “They’re like vampires except instead of blood, they suck your soul. They’re soul sucking vampires.”

The study is considered to be the most comprehensive report ever published on the subject of women.

“We have determined women are more demon than human,” VanSmute said. “I ask you, what other creature can bleed for seven days straight and not die?”

VanSmute studied other animals and found most would die within the second or third day.

“We found with the amount of blood a women bleeds, they should be dead long before the seven days are up. Most monkeys died within the first five hours and men died within a day,” VanSmute said. “We are pretty sure the only way to kill a woman is by stabbing her in the heart.”

The study also shows how women use their puppy eyes and tears to manipulate the souls of men.

“We saw through the use of tears, eyes and even a quick flash of cleavage men are left astray,” VanSmute said. “If we don’t watch out, they really will change the world as we know it.”

VanSmute began the study 12 years after a nasty divorce with his wife.

“After she cheated on me with my best friend, took everything I ever loved and half of all my assets, I thought she must not have a soul,” VanSmute said. “Although it’ll be a few more years until we determine where and if the soul lies in a women but I think the study does show something terribly inhuman about these creatures.”

After recent claims of Obama and even the pope being the Anti-Christ, VanSmute is sure the Anti-Christ will be a woman.

“The Anti-Christ won’t be in a suit in tie,” VanSmute said. “Mark my words, the Anti-Christ will be packaged in lipstick, high heels and a nice rack. In fact I am fairly positive the Anti-Christ might be the entire women race.”

VanSmute would like to put the whole world on red alert against women to keep the apocalypse at bay.

“I am on the fight to not only put women back in the kitchen but in cages,” VanSmute said. “It’s the only way to maintain a future for the planet Earth.”

God said he could end the world if Jesus would learn to use a sword

LIZZIE BIBBS

Apocalypto Times

It seems as if every decade, another “End of the World” following begins. If it’s not a Jonestown cult, it’s the year 2000 or December 21, 2012. Yet each date has passed and as long you were not a member of the Heaven’s Gate or a similar cult following, the world is still spinning.

However God admits he’s been ready for the apocalypse for over 100 hundred years but it is Jesus who keeps holding him back.

“Jesus is supposed to be the leader of the apocalypse with his sword, but my son will not learn how to proper carry and use a sword,” God said.

Jesus said he does not see the point of learning how use a sword as it is no longer a cool form of weaponry unless you are filming a Tolkien movie.

“We’ve moved past the Middle Ages quite some time ago,” Jesus said. “We have guns and cannons and tanks now dad. Why in your name would I ever carry a sword? Get with the times.”

God is frustrated as Jesus has consistently missed his fencing and swordsmanship classes.

“I pay for these classes and he’s consistently hours late if he shows up at all. I’m not asking for much,” God said. “I’m trying to save the Christians here. Get your ass in gear already.”

Jesus does not understand how carrying a sword is scary anymore or even a sign of power.

“I’ll be the laughing stock of Earth as I’m on my white horse with a double edged sword. I'll look around to see military tanks and assault rifles pointed my way," Jesus said. "I’ll last two seconds down there and the people of Earth will have to await a third coming.”

God is sure Jesus is just adamant on defying him.

“He hasn’t rode a horse in months,” God said. “Powder-puff is just grazing in the fields saddle less. The last time Jesus rode a horse he almost fell off.”

For Jesus the whole apocalypse scenario is severely outdated. From the horse down to the sword, Jesus thinks the story needs a reboot.

“I would like my second coming to include an Apache Helicopter and a bazooka,” Jesus said.

God rolled his eyes as he heard his son’s description.

“This is why I am the Lord and he is merely my son,” God said. “Sure he knows a few magic tricks but I am the brains of this operation. It’s a sword, period.”

God said he cannot go back on his word as the prophets have already written the story of Jesus’ second coming.

“John clearly wrote in Revelation that Jesus would come with a double edged sword and come with a double edged sword he will,” God said. "Come with a double edged sword, he will."

Jesus said the prophets are from an age where fire was still a new invention.

“Come on,” Jesus said. “I also told everyone I was going to the Prince of Peace and here I come with a double edged sword to save a few Christians. The word’s not exactly written in stone.”

In the end Jesus has accepted his contradictions of teachings.

“I’m not complaining but it does seem a tad bit hypocritical,” Jesus said. “I did initiate the golden rule but if I’m going to break my promise, I want to look like a Bruce Willis character, not a Monty Python sketch.”

However, God is growing impatient and can no longer hold his anger inside.

"In the old days, I would just demolish Babylon or go all holocaust on civilians and all that aggression would simply disapear," God said. "Then I killed my son and held my anger in for over two milleniums. I just don't how much longer I can do this."

God said he had summoned enough anger to end the world by the American Civil War and had anticipated Jesus riding in with General Ulysses S. Grant at Fort Donelson.

“It was to be a majestic end of the world, the freeing of the slaves and then a big bang of apocalyptic grandeur,” God said. “I’m just frustrated. It’s a sword and he’s had over 2,000 years to learn.”

God’s simmer has now come to an over boil.

“The anger is in the pit of my stomach and for everyday Jesus puts off learning the sword, the more it grows,” God said.

God claims he now has enough aggression to completely destroy the Earth, Jupiter and half of Mars which is why he is urging Jesus to become a master swordsman.

“If I don’t destroy the world soon, some angels might lose their wings,” God said.