God said he could end the world if Jesus would learn to use a sword

LIZZIE BIBBS

Apocalypto Times

It seems as if every decade, another “End of the World” following begins. If it’s not a Jonestown cult, it’s the year 2000 or December 21, 2012. Yet each date has passed and as long you were not a member of the Heaven’s Gate or a similar cult following, the world is still spinning.

However God admits he’s been ready for the apocalypse for over 100 hundred years but it is Jesus who keeps holding him back.

“Jesus is supposed to be the leader of the apocalypse with his sword, but my son will not learn how to proper carry and use a sword,” God said.

Jesus said he does not see the point of learning how use a sword as it is no longer a cool form of weaponry unless you are filming a Tolkien movie.

“We’ve moved past the Middle Ages quite some time ago,” Jesus said. “We have guns and cannons and tanks now dad. Why in your name would I ever carry a sword? Get with the times.”

God is frustrated as Jesus has consistently missed his fencing and swordsmanship classes.

“I pay for these classes and he’s consistently hours late if he shows up at all. I’m not asking for much,” God said. “I’m trying to save the Christians here. Get your ass in gear already.”

Jesus does not understand how carrying a sword is scary anymore or even a sign of power.

“I’ll be the laughing stock of Earth as I’m on my white horse with a double edged sword. I'll look around to see military tanks and assault rifles pointed my way," Jesus said. "I’ll last two seconds down there and the people of Earth will have to await a third coming.”

God is sure Jesus is just adamant on defying him.

“He hasn’t rode a horse in months,” God said. “Powder-puff is just grazing in the fields saddle less. The last time Jesus rode a horse he almost fell off.”

For Jesus the whole apocalypse scenario is severely outdated. From the horse down to the sword, Jesus thinks the story needs a reboot.

“I would like my second coming to include an Apache Helicopter and a bazooka,” Jesus said.

God rolled his eyes as he heard his son’s description.

“This is why I am the Lord and he is merely my son,” God said. “Sure he knows a few magic tricks but I am the brains of this operation. It’s a sword, period.”

God said he cannot go back on his word as the prophets have already written the story of Jesus’ second coming.

“John clearly wrote in Revelation that Jesus would come with a double edged sword and come with a double edged sword he will,” God said. "Come with a double edged sword, he will."

Jesus said the prophets are from an age where fire was still a new invention.

“Come on,” Jesus said. “I also told everyone I was going to the Prince of Peace and here I come with a double edged sword to save a few Christians. The word’s not exactly written in stone.”

In the end Jesus has accepted his contradictions of teachings.

“I’m not complaining but it does seem a tad bit hypocritical,” Jesus said. “I did initiate the golden rule but if I’m going to break my promise, I want to look like a Bruce Willis character, not a Monty Python sketch.”

However, God is growing impatient and can no longer hold his anger inside.

"In the old days, I would just demolish Babylon or go all holocaust on civilians and all that aggression would simply disapear," God said. "Then I killed my son and held my anger in for over two milleniums. I just don't how much longer I can do this."

God said he had summoned enough anger to end the world by the American Civil War and had anticipated Jesus riding in with General Ulysses S. Grant at Fort Donelson.

“It was to be a majestic end of the world, the freeing of the slaves and then a big bang of apocalyptic grandeur,” God said. “I’m just frustrated. It’s a sword and he’s had over 2,000 years to learn.”

God’s simmer has now come to an over boil.

“The anger is in the pit of my stomach and for everyday Jesus puts off learning the sword, the more it grows,” God said.

God claims he now has enough aggression to completely destroy the Earth, Jupiter and half of Mars which is why he is urging Jesus to become a master swordsman.

“If I don’t destroy the world soon, some angels might lose their wings,” God said.

The Anti-Christ Finds Christ, has denounced his role in the end of the world

LIZZY BIIBS

The News from Below

The anti-Christ has officially resigned himself of his duties as of yesterday afternoon at the tender age of 16.

“I've been saved and have accepted Jesus as my lord and savior,” The anti-Christ (AC) said who for obvious reasons would like to remain anonymous.

The AC said at first he embraced his responsibility reeking havoc on his preschool class and creating a rebellion at his elementary school which involved the hostage of the principal and two administrators.

Just last year the AC got half his high school class to try crystal meth and there is rumor in the afterlife of the AC having a role in the 2010 BP oil spill off the Golf Coast.

Satan had thought for sure he had finally found his protege.

"I thought I couldn't go wrong," Satan said. "Everything was working out so well. I must say this is the earliest retirement I've ever seen."

The AC said finding Jesus has changed his life.

“For years I've been prepped for the end of the world but I've called the horses off,” the AC said. “I really hate the heat so I just don't see how Hell was ever a perfect fit for me to stay for all of eternity. Don't get me wrong I like a little sun but a nice breeze is always welcomed.”

The AC plans on spending the rest of his time on earth feeding the homeless in an undisclosed soup kitchen.

“I kind of like it here. The people are friendly and the food's not all that bad either,” the AC said.

After hearing word of the AC's announcement, Satan had this to say, “It does disappoint me but I still have faith in him after all even Christ himself said he didn't want to die for all humanities sins. Christ came around and so will my son.”

Satan has been trying to talk with the AC but to no avail.

"I really wish the best for Satan. I really do but I must move on now," the AC said. 

Some have said it is proof of God's good nature. God however said he has nothing to do with the transformation.

“As of right now I'm satisfied with the anti-Christ's choice to go on the straight and narrow but I gave everyone the power of freewill angels, demons, humans and yes even the anti-Christ. That's one thing Satan can't take away,” God said. “I can hope he doesn't stray but that's not up to me.”

Satan as of right now has chalk it all up to crazy adolescent hormones.

“You know we've all been there. Those crazy adolescent years,” Satan said. “I created Hell and he has chosen to disown me. I guess we're really one in the same.”

When asked about the end of the world Satan seemed to still hold on to hope.

“Oh it'll happen,” Satan said. “Whether it's this anti-Christ or I bring in my 40th anti-Christ it will happen make no mistake about it.”

Satan said it takes time to plan such a huge event like the apocalypse.

“This isn't like your annual Christmas Party. I've been planning ever since the 20th anniversary of Christ's death. Each one seems so promising but believe me the time will come,” Satan stated.

Satan still sees the possibility of this Anti-Christ bringing home the goods of the end of the world.

“I personally think it could happen tomorrow if the anti-Christ would get some sense knocked into him but then again it might happen two million years from now. Who am I to say,” Satan said.

Satan said if this AC does not pan through he will try again.

“I think next time I might try to plant the next anti-Christ in the Arctic far away from any other life form until he is in his prime,” Satan said. "I've heard the it's to hot in Hell excuse too many times and this is the second time I've lost a son to the homeless.”

Satan said by placing his next AC in the arctic a little heat in the afterlife will be surely welcomed.

God said he has no worries about the end of the world and likes to let the tides flow as they will.

“No matter what, I'll have my TiVo set to Earth,” God said. “I'm really hooked to the network.”