God said humans are his biggest mistake

LIZZIE BIBBS

Logistical Times

For years the human race has declared God created everything good but God is now saying he has made mistakes in his creation.

“I would say most everything I created is good except for humans,” God said. “Man I really screwed the pooch while making those things.”

God said he would change a few design flaws found on humans if he were to recreate the world again.

“I would cover them in fur,” God said. “There is one thing that I have learned, fur makes any animal cute. Look at a shaved dog, it’s not so appealing but cover that dog in fur and you’ve got Lassie.”

God thought hair would make do for fur but he has now seen it is more maintenance and is weird and patchy.

“Hair is bizarre. I thought it would be nice new design in creation. Boy was I wrong,” God said. “For women it’s this weird ever growing fountain on their head and a nuisance everywhere else and for men it’s their heads and faces. It looks ridiculous.”

However if God could only make one correction, it would be within the human brain.

“Why I gave humans logic is beyond me,” God said. “I mean I gave them the exact tool to dispute me. I should have left them at a mind of three year old.”

God said logic is ruining his life.

“It’s logic that explains evolution and science,” God said. “It’s logic which makes people want to sleep in on Sunday instead of spending at least an hour worshiping me.”

For God, logic is the number one reason people stop believing in him.

“If it wasn’t for logic people would still be doing animal and family sacrifices to me,” God said. “Once logic got into the picture, it was only me who was willing to sacrifice my only son.”

God said when he really thinks about it all, humans are probably his biggest mistake and adding logic to the equation was just adding to the fire of the human race.

“Logic has destroyed me while the lack of logic is destroying my planet,” God said. “I mean many who believe in me also believe in destroying a mountain for a few pieces of carbon. Hey dipshits, those mountains were hard to make. Do you really think I’ll be happy if you destroy them?”

God said logic has put the world in a Catch 22 situation.

“You need to destroy all logic to worship me and therefore all logical ways to stop the planet from deconstructing is only seen as a hippie anti-God campaign,” God said. “I really fucked up with the human race. Giving them opposable thumbs was a big mistake.”

Once the end of the world comes, God said he is looking in investing in a new planet of ignorant dogs.

“Who doesn’t like dogs?” God said. “They’re loyal, cuddly and don’t have any fingers or thumbs. I originally was going to include cats but then I thought who am I kidding, those bastards only worship themselves.”
In conclusion God said he should not have rushed to make the world.
"Can you really create perfection in seven days? I should of taken a month," God said. 

Oscar the Grouch speaks of Big Bird in China

LIZZIE BIBBS

Sesame Street Journal

In 1983, Big Bird never knew his diplomatic trip to China would come back to haunt him.

During Tuesday’s presidential debate, Mitt Romney said he would cut funds to PBS in order to stop drawing funds from China.

“I’m not going to keep spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for it,” Romney said.

Now Big Bird is forced to explain his dealing with the Chinese in the 1980s and just what was he doing on the Great Wall with a little Chinese girl.

Oscar the Grouch is now releasing the footage of Big Bird in China as a way to try and save his job.

Big Bird is seen here on the Great Wall of China in 1983.

“Romney is trying to cut ties with China and we have footage of Big Bird in China shaking hands  and dancing with a monkey king and talking to Chinese schoolchildren,” Grouch said.  “It’s no wonder he’s threatening to take our jobs away.”

Grouch believes Big Bird was making deals with the Chinese in order to fund his national syndicated television show, Sesame Street.

“I don’t have proof of Big Bird’s dealing but how else can you explain our longevity? I never thought the show would last more than two episodes,” Grouch said. “I mean really what do we do? We yell out numbers and letters all damn day. Well here’s a letter of the day for you Big Bird, E for eviction.”

Grouch is also accusing Big Bird of having communistic ties.

“He may not be a red bird, but Big Bird is definitely a communist,” Grouch said.

Grouch said Big Bird went to China in order to fund their regular scheduled program.

“There’s no way we could compete once cable got into the picture,” Brust said. “We needed Chinese funding to keep us in the ratings.”

Grouch has footage of Big Bird traveling throughout the Asian countryside and has released it to the media.

Big Bird released a statement earlier this afternoon saying his trip to China was purely educational and the footage of him in China has been available for years.

“I haven’t been hiding anything,” Big Bird said. “That footage was shown on the television right after I made the trip.”

Grouch says the footage has been altered and edited and he would like an untouched copy.

“That bird is hiding something,” Grouch said.

In the footage, Big Bird is seen learning Chinese and going to Chinese public school.

It seems everyone on Sesame Street was in favor or Big Bird’s trip to China except for Grouch.

“Take my advice don’t eat the rice,” Grouch told Big Bird before he left.

Grouch did not trust the Chinese and did not want to be stuck in any deals with the country.

“I told that dumb bird not to go,” Grouch said. “All I have is a trashcan and I might not even have that if this Romney guy gets elected. Thanks a lot Big Bird.”

Grouch said he is now in survivor mode and it is every muppet for themselves.

“All I want is to ensure I won’t have to go looking for a new trashcan anytime in the near future,” Grouch said. “Go ahead cancel the show but leave my can alone.”

Big Bird said he thinks every culture should be respected and his trip was a way to bridge a gap between China and the United States.

“It’s all communist talk,” Grouch said. “Can you ever really trust a bird of that size? It’s unnatural. Fire the bird keep the guy in the trashcan.”