Clint Eastwood talks to inanimate objects at RNC; doctor apologizes

photo courtesy of Getty

Clint Eastwood addresses a chair he believes to be President Obama .

LIZZIE BIBBS

Hollywood Vindicator

Clint Eastwood’s doctor apologized after subscribing him the wrong medication which caused him to hallucinate President Barack Obama during his speech at the Republican National Convention.

In fact Eastwood was talking to an empty chair.

“I was so surprise Obama agreed to come on stage with me,” Eastwood said after making his speech.

Eastwood stood in front of millions across the nation and held a full conversation with the chair he thought was seated with Obama.

Some at the convention  saw the act as a joke.

“I just thought what a character,” Josie Monaray, from Augusta, Georgia, said. “I was laughing during most of his speech.”

Others saw the true madness of Eastwood’s nature.

“I whispered to my wife, I think he’s having a psychotic episode,” John Frohn, a doctor himself from Houston, Texas, said. “She whispered back to me, ‘No honey. He’s old. It’s Alzheimer’s’.”

Robert Yessy, Eastwood’s doctor was embarrassed as he realized his mistake.

“I wrote the wrong prescription. I will take the blame for what occurred at the RNC. I am ashamed,” Yessy said.

According to Yessy, he was trying experimental medications on Eastwood, many which have work but this past time around; his pen got the better of him as his handwriting was misread by a pharmacist.

“I cannot tell you the exact medication which was subscribed but I have later found the pharmacist mistook my T for a K and my E for A that made all the difference,”Yessy said.  “I’ve been trying to get his psychosis under control for years and as he got on that stage, he had crazy beaming from his eyes. I just thought, oh no.”

Before going on stage there were reports of Eastwood yelling at people backstage.

“He grabbed my shirt and pulled me close to his face and asked me if I was a democratic spy,” Brandon VanHuet said. “He called me a punk, threw me to the ground and kicked me. I feared for my life.”

Eastwood thought a group of men at the sound booth were a part of Obama’s secret service.

“He asked me how it felt to be protecting a man who is destroying our country,” Tim Gundy said. “I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about and he said, ‘Oh you’re a liberal? Well Mr. Secret Service Boy it’s nice to know some democrats have balls.’ I was highly confused and he just stared me down and then walked away.”

Gus Furgan, a backstage crewmember reported seeing Eastwood speaking to tables, chairs and even at one point the curtain.

“There was a point he took the curtain and said wow you look mighty good in red Mrs. Romney,” Furgan said. “After that he was talking with Hilary Clinton for at least 15 minutes.”

According to Furgan, Clinton was actually a broom.

“I’ve never seen anyone manhandle a broom like that,” Furgan said. “He took her to a back closet and I didn’t see him for the rest of the night.”

David Gregory was the one who found Eastwood a few hours later.

“I opened the closet door and found Mr. Eastwood only in his boxers,” Gregory said. “Wow now that was a surprise.”

Eastwood apparently with squinting eyes and a cigarette in his mouth began quoting old movie lines, some of which were from characters he portrayed and others were not.

“He said, ‘Go ahead make my day’,” Gregory said. “Then he looked at a broom which was on the ground, picked up his clothes and said. ‘Here’s looking at you kid’.”

Yessy who had been looking for Eastwood for over five hours, was notified as Eastwood sat backstage talking with an empty beer bottle or Condoleezza Rice as he would call it.

“Luckily he was pleased with that empty bottle of Coors,” Gregory said. “He really took a liking to that bottle. I would say, that must be his beer of choice.”

Lizzie's hate mail tips

As election season comes to a head, the hate mail begins to flood in the news media’s gates.

For those thinking about writing their hate filled rants to their local or perhaps national media outlet, you should keep a few tips in mind.

The first thing you should do is edit your work. Most of the people who will be reading your letters are somewhat educated pupils and they will notice all of your double negatives, missing commas and incorrect verb usages.

It always helps when someone else reads through your work and if you don’t have a sister, mother, brother, in-law or friend to review your work, reading it aloud can help deter many errors.

When declaring a reporter a member of the liberal media, just state liberal media, do not add such adjectives as, Jewish, gay, lesbian, communist or Nazi.

Which brings us to the next point, using communist and Nazi synonymously is not politically correct. You see my animosity filled readers, a communism is the left wing gone to the extreme economically speaking and Nazism is a political ideology more commonly associated with a fascist society, which by the way is  a right wing government to the ultimate extreme, not left winged.

A quick history lesson can depict a communist feeling towards Nazism; during World War II, Hitler fought against Stalin. There quick and easy, communism and Nazism not even close to the same ideology.

Now that we’ve gotten through the definition section, let’s move on to citing your sources.

If as a reporter, I must quote sources and at least partially research my article, I expect you to do so as well.

Don’t just declare I have slept with the mayor and his wife without at least one reputable citation.

For example, “Bartholomew, my schizophrenic neighbor, said you slept with the mayor and his wife during a rousing Monday night post-city council meeting” or “Herbert, the midget inside my head, said you are such a slut you have slept with everyone in council and then topped it off with a one night stand with the chief of police.”

If I were to read such a citation, I’d think, wow this guy really did his research. I myself half believe his story.

My finally suggestion is to just sign your name. Please don’t add a “sincerely”, “cordially yours”, “yours truly” or “love” before your John Hancock. Doing so just makes you seem even more of a douche as it appears you are being ultra-sarcastic and patronizing.

Following these few simple tips will really up your game as you declare your anger towards that liberal, socialist and bitch of a reporter who even tries to write a story with another point of view others than yours or perhaps covers a story you find to be biasedly slanted; like the story written about those dogs dressed in brightly colored tutus (they were obviously gay).

Happy hate-filled writing to you all! I look forward to reading your views in a more educated fashion. 

Dead Sea Ultrasound reveals Jesus had a twin

LIZZIE BIBBS

Dead Sea Times

Jesus revealed today he was indeed a twin during his fetal stages after an image of Mary’s first ultrasound was found in Egypt.

“According to early ultrasounds, I was supposed to have a fraternal twin sister but half way through the pregnancy she was no longer,” Jesus said in a statement to the press.

The image of the twins was found by three Egyptians farmers as they were tilling their soil and is now being deemed the “Dead Sea Ultrasound”.

God admits he was hiding the ultrasound as it is a part of his past he wished to remain a secret and he had ordered the image destroyed.

“I told those monks to destroy it but I guess you never can trust a liberal to keep your lies a secret,” God said. “They always have a way of undermining authority.”

The Dead Sea Ultrasound was found by Egyptian farmers and God has confirmed Jesus was indeed at one time a twin.

Doctors have yet to determine the cause of Jesus’ sister’s early termination but say poor diet might have played a roll.

Jesus tells another story.

“Let’s face it there could only be one of us,” Jesus said. “I won.”

Jesus says his sister’s existence was cut short after a battle during prenatal stages.

“On my father’s requests, I disposed of her before she could take to life,” Jesus said.

God later confirmed Jesus’ statements.

“My initial thought was to have Mary give birth to both my son and daughter and have a tag team type revival,” God said. “Jesus would perform the miracles and my daughter would get me a nice dowry on which I would fix the roof of my house and buy an upstanding donkey and use the rest to start the building of the Vatican.”

God had made plans with Lucifer to marry his daughter at the ripe age of 14 but later rethought his whole plan.

 “Then I came to my senses. Let’s face it, the money would be nice but having a daughter would totally ruin my credibility,” God said. “There’s no way these loins would let an X chromosome slip out.”
God said his daughter’s life would have jeopardized the whole future of Christianity so he decided she must go.

“I was kind of in a catch 22 situation. I had already sacrificed two of my sperms to create these twins and those don’t come easy,” God said. “I couldn’t just terminate the pregnancy so I appeared to fetus Jesus in several dreams.”

God gave Jesus details on how to defeat his sister before she developed any further.

“She proved to be quite hard to kill. I was initially given detailed instructions on how to create a noose with her umbilical cord,” Jesus said. “This was our first failure.”

Jesus said he performed the deed while they were having a tea party.

“It was on April 2 a glorious Tuesday morning,” Jesus said. “Juanita, I named her Juanita, was seeping water through the imaginary tea bags and I was in action.”

Juanita had asked Jesus what he was doing as she could feel the tension on her cord. Jesus said he was adjusting her cord because “it had gotten tangled in the intestines.”

Juanita carried on her womanly duties without another thought to Jesus.

“Oh she was so gullible,” Jesus said. “She gave me my teacup and I told her it needed more sugar and as she turned to get the sugar off the top imaginary cupboard, I slipped the cord around her neck and gave a nice hard tug. She started laughing.”

Juanita had thought Jesus was making a nice gesture in making her a necklace.       

“She called me silly and said necklace are never supposed to be that tight,” Jesus said.

Jesus said he kept trying to pull harder on the noose but it only made her go into a fit of laughter.

“I pulled so hard on that thing but in that fetal stage we really didn’t have much of necks,” Jesus said. “Also my nubs of fingers really weren’t getting a nice enough grip.”

A second plan took place where Jesus tried to beat her death but their ill formed feet and fingers were not equipped for a proper beating.

“The third time is the charm as they say,” Jesus said. “In the end I had to eat her. She was always a deep sleeper and her placenta gave me the softest skin. It was an excellent exfoliator.”

Jesus believes some of his later powers came from Juanita.

“The fact that my first miracle was turning water to wine shows some of her feminine side coming through,” Jesus said. “If it had been a masculine miracle I would have turned the water to scotch and really gotten the party going.”

Mary stated Jesus was enough of divine intervention for any women.

“I can’t believe he wanted me to birth twins,” Mary said. “Really you knock up a virgin and expect her to push out twins on her first try. Let’s be realistic.”

God said Juanita was an unfortunate glitch in his plan for Jesus.

“The idea of spreading my seed across twins seemed quite manly at the time but once I actually thought about it, I knew what I had to do,” God said. “There isn’t a day I look back.” 

God declares Jews are still his chosen people

LIZZIE BIBBS

Higher Ground Press

God is now making it official; the Jews are his chosen people. Furthermore, God is now proclaiming he is upset with the way Christians portray him.

“You read the Old Testament and I am an all fearing and powerful God and then you get to the New Testament and I get all soft,” God said. “When did I ever say I loved everyone? Jesus was always putting words in my mouth.”

God said he misses the time when people were so fearful of him; they would sacrifice their best lamb and their only virgin daughter for him.

“I know they say they are sacrificing a lamb to show their love but let’s be honest, it was in the fear of if they did not that I would burn down their village. Those where the good old days,” God said. “Where are the personally sacrifices for me? I am not talking about these mental struggles. I am talking about slapping your wife in my name.”

God said he may not show his anger as abruptly as he use to but he is still to be feared.

“In my old age I got tired of destroying whole cities. It was such hard work and in the end if I tore down Sodom or Gomorrah, they built Babylon. No, now I have more power with the afterlife,” God said. “The Christians did get the whole Hell thing right.”

God said when he hears someone using his name in vain or lying, instead of killing a beloved son or burning down their village, he laughs as he thinks of them burning in the eternal Lake of Fire.

“Yes, Hell is such sweet poetic justice,” God said.

God is confused by the Christians portrayal of him as an all loving God who also damns people to Hell.

“They preach about me loving everyone but then they go on about everyone but themselves being Hell bound,” God said. “Under the New Testament’s teaching, I am a Hippie and peace loving being, so how could I damn people to Hell? According to these people I should be welcoming Nazis into the pearly gates with flowers and hugs.”

God said the way Christians speak of him is appalling.

“If they would just stop at me damning everyone to Hell, then we’d have something to talk about but no, they have to make me a damn pussy with all that talk about love,” God said. “Where are the whole chapters about me throwing Pontius Pilot and Romans into the fire pit? If they had just added the book according to Chuck Norris, then those Christians would be saved.”

God claims he never said the Christians were his chosen people for a reason and he holds a special spot for them in Hell.

“It’s in between the gays and the unborn fetuses,” God said. “Yeah unfortunately fetuses are not heaven bound; I can’t spend all eternity with something which barely has a brain and wasn’t baptized.”

God also praises the Jews who are the only religion which keeps holy the Sabbath, held every Saturday not Sunday.

“Heaven is exclusively for the Jews. I know they don’t believe in an afterlife, but it’s kind of an added bonus after a whole life of worshiping me properly,” God said. “Besides I promised them they were my chosen people, I can’t turn my back on them now.”

God said Christians do stand a chance if they put down the, “Hippie crosses” and burn their favorite gerbil in his name.

“You can stop preaching about your all loving and powerful God. All I want is the power,” God said. “And for my sakes, eat a kosher meal once in a while and lay off the shrimp.” 

Samson tests positive for steroids

LIZZIE BIBBS

B.C. Olympic News

Getty

Samson has now tested positive for steroids after years of claiming his strength came from his hair.

After years of speculation Samson admits he indeed did take steroids and his hair was only a fabricated lie he created to cover his tracks.

“Yes, it is true I have taken HGH,” Samson said. “It wasn’t the hair at all and I send my sincere apologies for any kind of pain or grief my actions might have caused.”

Samson for years said his strength came from his long locks of brown hair but the HGH was found in Samson’s system after he was required to take a drug test during the Olympic Trials.

Samson was supposed to compete with the Israeli weight lifting team in the 2012 London Games which many are saying he was forced to resign from.

“I am resigning from my position on the team,” Samson said. “I am respecting the wishes of my teammates and will step down as team captain and will not compete in this year’s Olympics."

Samson has been accused of taking steroids for years with many people trying to find direct evidence to convict him.

A few years back the Delilah was hired by the Philistines to find out if Samson was on steroids which began the rumors on the strength coming from his hair.

Delilah befriended Samson and worked undercover trying to find the secret to his strength.

“They suspected steroids from the beginning and were displeased after Samson went on a slaughtering streak through their country,” Delilah said. “Sure some of those people probably deserved Samson’s wrath but some of them were just in the barbarian’s way.”

The Philistines were determined to find steroids in Samson’s possession and paid Delilah in cash.

Delilah came back with various different results, at one pointed citing Samson will lose his power if bound with new ropes or with fresh bowstrings.

“It turns out Samson just really like bondage,” Delilah said. “I hate to say it but I am a sucker for it as well.”

Samson admits he told these lies to Delilah to throw her off the case and to “get some on the side.”

“Some girls believe anything you tell them but Delilah was her own breed of stupid and let’s face it, she enjoyed the whole ropes and bowstring bondage as much as I did,” Samson said.

After months of questioning from Delilah, Samson thought it best to save himself by cutting his hair and getting off the steroids.

“I thought I could blame my sudden lack of strength on my hair now being short,” Samson admitted. Samson recently went back on the HGH but forgot to consider the new drug testing required to compete in the Olympics.

“I got off the roids and was doing alright but I missed being able to carry cars on my back and throwing the brats in my neighborhood over rooftops. Those were the things in life I cherished,” Samson said. "So I decided to give the steroids another go."

Samson said he has no regrets but is not looking forward to the punishment the Olympic officials have determined for him.

“It turns out doing steroids is punishable by stabbing out one’s eyes. That’s going to suck,” Samson said.

Samson is set to have his eyes out sometime next week by Philistines doctors. Samson has stated he plans on immediately lifting weights after the procedure and finding a guide dog.

“I’m hoping for a Rottweiler,” Samson said.   

Some of his fans are hoping for a comeback and feel he has been wrongfully targeted for years.
“People have been after Samson for years. Sure HGH may have been in his system but come on he’s the best weight lifter in his class with or without the roids,” Guns in Babylon wrote on his Twitter page.

Samson is telling his friends to hold tight and keep him in their thoughts and prayers.

“This is not the end for me. I don’t need to see to be able to lift weights,” Samson said. “Don’t worry I’ll be back stronger than ever before you know it.”

Adam and Eve file for divorce

(From left to right) Eve and Adam during their days in the Garden of Eden.

LIZZIE BIBBS

News from Above Reporter

At around 10 a.m. today Adam and Eve announced their divorce on the steps outside of heaven.

“We were a match made in heaven but I guess even heaven can only last so long,” Eve said. "With a man like Adam, heaven is about as long as it takes to eat an apple."

Both of their lawyers were present with Michael the Arch Angel representing Adam and Jonah of Arch representing Eve.

Adam and Eve are the longest known couple, being together since the beginning of time and are more commonly known for the mishap in the Garden of Eden.

The grounds for their divorce are “irreconcilable differences,” according to Heaven County Court documents.

“We gave it a try but no matter how many years went by Adam still blamed me for us being banished from the Garden of Eden,” Eve said. “Get over it. Maybe if someone had bothered to tell me not to eat the fruit, it would be a different story.”

Adam said he has done a lot for Eve and is tired of his charity and efforts going unnoticed.

“How’s that rib working for you Eve?” Adam asked.

As far as not telling Eve of the no eating of fruit from the Tree of Life Policy, Adam says she never asked.

“If a snake you’ve never seen before and by the way is talking to you, suggests eating from the tree why not ask me about it first?” Adam stated. “I wish I had given her half of my brain.”

Adam does admit he too ate the fruit but said it was due to the peer pressure.

“Look I’m sorry I took the fruit but she had the first bite and she said she could see things in a new light,” Adam said. “The way she was looking at me, I wanted to see her like that.”

Adam only wishes he still could still see Eve like he did after his first bite.

“If her boobs were still that perky, I think we could have made it,” Adam said.

Even Eve admits the first bite of fruit opened her eyes to a new world.

“He was packing,” Eve said. “Man was he packing.”

Though Eve said she grew tired of Adam’s whining and constant complaining about no longer being in the Garden of Eden.

“I don’t know what he’s complaining about,” Eve said. “So he now has to work in the fields. I’m the one shoving babies out without the aid of a pain killer. Let’s see him birth a baby. Then he can complain.”
Eve is tired of feeling guilty and is ready to move on with her life.

“It’s that damn Catholic guilt Adam keeps ramming me with. Every time a woman screams while in labor, he suggests I write an apology letter to her,” Eve said. "Perhaps he should write an apology letter to the blue collar workers of the world."

Eve is done with primitive men for now.

“Adam, being the first man has a lot of flaws. He was completely lost on the whole deodorant thing,” Eve said.  “Today I am announcing my relationship with Sarah, wife of Abraham. She smells really pretty.”

Adam was not shocked to hear of Eve’s new found love and said he too is moving on.

“I met Mary Magdalene at the Bible Class reunion and man is she a card,” Adam said. “I gave her my digits and we’ve been on a few dates.”
Adam said Mary is not like Eve at all.

“She’s a lady,” Adam said. “She has new traditions and customs that I wasn’t even aware of. For instance after every date, I give her a $50. Eve never made me give her money. I feel as if I am a modern man now.”

Adam and Eve’s assets have yet to be divided but it speculated Eve will get full custody of Cain and Abel.

Titanic tribute ship shows off its top-notch third class treatment

BY LIZZIE BIBBS
RMS Times

While first class passengers aboard the MS Balmoral, enjoyed caviar and five course meals similar to the ones served during the fatal Titanic’s maiden and only voyage, third class passengers had their own equally worthy meals for peons, kidney pie and fricassee rabbit.
The MS Balmoral sailed from Liverpool on April 12, tracking the Titanic exact route as a memorial for the 100th anniversary of the ship's sinking which killed between 1,490 and 1,635 people. 

"What better way to commemorate the anniversary of a ship who yields about a 32 percent survival rating than to track its footsteps?" Captain John Fry asked. "This time though, we're planning on making it all the way to New York and if not we have enough life boats for at the very least the first and half of the second class passengers."

The Balmoral went the extra mile by separating their passengers into first, second and third class living quarters and also requiring all third class passengers to go through a health inspection before boarding the vessel.

"We don't want a lice infestation leaking into the second or first class cabins," Fry said. 

The third class passengers received moderately good care which is more than most immigrants and the poor are use to.
“I can’t believe they actually fed us,” Penelope Kidder, a third class passenger said. “That was a really nice surprise.”
The third class passengers said the facilities were amazing considering they were given beds and did not have to sleep on the floor.
The rooms also featured electric lighting and a water basin for washing instead of a small bucket filled with cold water.
“I could not believe as a third class passenger, I was given a room and not just locked down in steerage without light,” Kidder said. “It’s a real honor to be able to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Titanic’s sinking in such style.”
The first and second class passengers were just glad they were not forced to mingle with the dirty immigrants.
“It’s like they’re not even on the ship,” Renee Fielder, a first class passenger said. “It’s also a comfort to know someone is keeping the rats company and away from the first class cabins.”
Third class passengers said the rats were high quality vermin and not carriers of cholera or eosinophilic meningitis.
There were however some reports of third class passengers catching typhus but ship medics said it is unclear if the small outbreak was from the rodents or from the passengers' general grubbiness.
“It’s hard to tell where the typhus came from. You could say it was from the rats but in the end who is dirtier the third class or the rats?” Gregory June, the head doctor on Balmoral asked. “It’s a tough call.”
Even the Balmoral’s sick passengers still seem to be pleased with the service of the ship.
“I can’t believe I actually got seen by a doctor,” Selma McDerman said. “To top it off the third class’ medical office only had a few blood stains on the mattresses which I was told were old as they were bought used.”
Many third passengers also enjoyed the gates where they could see the halls leading to the nicer first and second class areas.
“Even if I couldn't reach them I could at least see something. Other ships would just have locked doors,” Kidder said.
Third class passengers even had outdoor privileges on the same deck where the first and second class dogs were aloud to wander.
All third class passengers sailed in the styles of 1912 with women in plain and homely dresses and men in their stained long johns and khaki colored paints held on by suspenders.
“I thought some third class passengers might have had a suit even if it was older and worn but after watching James Cameron’s Titanic, it was clear to me there was only one way a third class man dressed,” George Seaman said.
When it came time to commemorate the Titanic’s sinking at around 2:20 a.m. on April 15 all the first and second class passengers were called on deck for a moment of silence as they dropped several flower-filled wreathes into the waters. The third class passengers were told they would have their chance after the first and second class were taken care of.
“When we finally got up to deck, it was about an hour later and we dropped bread crumbs into the water,” Kidder said. “Also we didn’t get exactly a moment of silence as the first class passengers were drinking and partying in the ballroom but it was close enough.”
All third class passengers said they felt they were treated above normal.
“I could not have asked for better treatment as a third class passenger,” Kidder said. “The Balmoral made me feel as if there was a lower fourth class hidden somewhere beneath the ship.”