Pilgrims won first Thanksgiving football game in 1621

LIZZIE BIBBS
Plymouth Rock Press

As turkey, potatoes and pumpkin pie is finished at the dinner table this Thanksgiving, many will get ready to cheer  their favorite football teams as they take the field. America will scream and shout at the television in their half-awake in their food induced comas.

Many think of the Thanksgiving football game as a 20th century addition to the holiday but historian Bruce Furgison has found documents depicting football being played at the first Thanksgiving in 1621.

“Isaiah Smith writes in his diary of the game, pilgrims versus Indians in a knuckle to knuckle head butting battle,” Furgison said. “There are other findings as well such as Indian folklore which tells of a shirt versus skins game with an irregular shaped ball.”

A schoolbook from 1640 also tells the story of the Indians and pilgrims football game.

“It was a delightful meal of eel and corn and fowl and of course it all ended with a man versus savage all bets in game of American football,” the book reads.

A recreation of how the first Thanksgiving football might have looked in 1621

The Thanksgiving football game is a time honored tradition and it is no coincidence that the base of a turkey resembles a football.

“The pilgrims used the turkey as the first football,” Furgison said. “It was a lot heavier than the traditional football used today and the skin was very delicate.”

The natives told stories of the skin falling to the ground creating a hazard on the field.

“Once the pilgrim saw the skin was slippery, they would throw the skin off to trip those of us in their tracks,” a native reported a few years later to the Plymouth Rock Free Times. “I still to this day do not understand how this was not a foul.”

The game was brutal with pilgrims only equipped with cloth hats and their short shorts and the natives shirtless, no one had it easy.

“The natives called the pilgrims sissy boys for wearing such short knickers,” Furgison said. “The pilgrims were not known for their sense of humor so they never had a comeback except for the occasional savage line.”

The first Thanksgiving is also the first record of a halftime show.

“It was the first ever halftime show as the pilgrims and Indians ran off the field because of a bear interference,” Furgison said. “The bear roamed the field for a half hour straight and both teams noted the small break was a good time to regroup.”

According to Smith’s diary, the game last about an hour and half and the final score was 35 to 10 with the pilgrims winning.

“The Indians were not all too familiar with the game and surprisingly neither were the pilgrims,” Furgison said. “In fact it is the first and last game the pilgrims ever won because as soon as the slave trade came to the colonies, the pilgrims didn’t stand a chance.”

As a prize the pilgrims claimed the land, the right to slaughter natives and of course they retained bragging rights.

“Everyone thinks of Thanksgiving as a feast to celebrate unity when in fact is was a celebration of winning the first American football game,” Furgison said.

The pilgrims and colonists would continue their celebration of the win for years with celebrations and raids of thanks.

In 1641, after having a holocaust-esq raid on the Pequot tribe in Connecticut, the churches declared a day of thanksgiving to celebrate.

“During this feast, the decapitated heads of Natives were kicked through the streets of Manhatten of course each head wore its own helmet,” Furgison said. “One lucky head was shaped into a football and used as the official game ball.”

Though the pilgrims had the overall win, the Indians did get a consolation prize which would be passed down for generations or at least until the last man in their tribe was wiped out.

“The pilgrims were nice enough to give the Indians blankets to keep them warm during the winter,” Furgison said. “Of course these blankets were riddled with Small Pox but that is just another minor detail in the epic first ever Thanksgiving football game.”

God said humans are his biggest mistake

LIZZIE BIBBS

Logistical Times

For years the human race has declared God created everything good but God is now saying he has made mistakes in his creation.

“I would say most everything I created is good except for humans,” God said. “Man I really screwed the pooch while making those things.”

God said he would change a few design flaws found on humans if he were to recreate the world again.

“I would cover them in fur,” God said. “There is one thing that I have learned, fur makes any animal cute. Look at a shaved dog, it’s not so appealing but cover that dog in fur and you’ve got Lassie.”

God thought hair would make do for fur but he has now seen it is more maintenance and is weird and patchy.

“Hair is bizarre. I thought it would be nice new design in creation. Boy was I wrong,” God said. “For women it’s this weird ever growing fountain on their head and a nuisance everywhere else and for men it’s their heads and faces. It looks ridiculous.”

However if God could only make one correction, it would be within the human brain.

“Why I gave humans logic is beyond me,” God said. “I mean I gave them the exact tool to dispute me. I should have left them at a mind of three year old.”

God said logic is ruining his life.

“It’s logic that explains evolution and science,” God said. “It’s logic which makes people want to sleep in on Sunday instead of spending at least an hour worshiping me.”

For God, logic is the number one reason people stop believing in him.

“If it wasn’t for logic people would still be doing animal and family sacrifices to me,” God said. “Once logic got into the picture, it was only me who was willing to sacrifice my only son.”

God said when he really thinks about it all, humans are probably his biggest mistake and adding logic to the equation was just adding to the fire of the human race.

“Logic has destroyed me while the lack of logic is destroying my planet,” God said. “I mean many who believe in me also believe in destroying a mountain for a few pieces of carbon. Hey dipshits, those mountains were hard to make. Do you really think I’ll be happy if you destroy them?”

God said logic has put the world in a Catch 22 situation.

“You need to destroy all logic to worship me and therefore all logical ways to stop the planet from deconstructing is only seen as a hippie anti-God campaign,” God said. “I really fucked up with the human race. Giving them opposable thumbs was a big mistake.”

Once the end of the world comes, God said he is looking in investing in a new planet of ignorant dogs.

“Who doesn’t like dogs?” God said. “They’re loyal, cuddly and don’t have any fingers or thumbs. I originally was going to include cats but then I thought who am I kidding, those bastards only worship themselves.”
In conclusion God said he should not have rushed to make the world.
"Can you really create perfection in seven days? I should of taken a month," God said. 

Oscar the Grouch speaks of Big Bird in China

LIZZIE BIBBS

Sesame Street Journal

In 1983, Big Bird never knew his diplomatic trip to China would come back to haunt him.

During Tuesday’s presidential debate, Mitt Romney said he would cut funds to PBS in order to stop drawing funds from China.

“I’m not going to keep spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for it,” Romney said.

Now Big Bird is forced to explain his dealing with the Chinese in the 1980s and just what was he doing on the Great Wall with a little Chinese girl.

Oscar the Grouch is now releasing the footage of Big Bird in China as a way to try and save his job.

Big Bird is seen here on the Great Wall of China in 1983.

“Romney is trying to cut ties with China and we have footage of Big Bird in China shaking hands  and dancing with a monkey king and talking to Chinese schoolchildren,” Grouch said.  “It’s no wonder he’s threatening to take our jobs away.”

Grouch believes Big Bird was making deals with the Chinese in order to fund his national syndicated television show, Sesame Street.

“I don’t have proof of Big Bird’s dealing but how else can you explain our longevity? I never thought the show would last more than two episodes,” Grouch said. “I mean really what do we do? We yell out numbers and letters all damn day. Well here’s a letter of the day for you Big Bird, E for eviction.”

Grouch is also accusing Big Bird of having communistic ties.

“He may not be a red bird, but Big Bird is definitely a communist,” Grouch said.

Grouch said Big Bird went to China in order to fund their regular scheduled program.

“There’s no way we could compete once cable got into the picture,” Brust said. “We needed Chinese funding to keep us in the ratings.”

Grouch has footage of Big Bird traveling throughout the Asian countryside and has released it to the media.

Big Bird released a statement earlier this afternoon saying his trip to China was purely educational and the footage of him in China has been available for years.

“I haven’t been hiding anything,” Big Bird said. “That footage was shown on the television right after I made the trip.”

Grouch says the footage has been altered and edited and he would like an untouched copy.

“That bird is hiding something,” Grouch said.

In the footage, Big Bird is seen learning Chinese and going to Chinese public school.

It seems everyone on Sesame Street was in favor or Big Bird’s trip to China except for Grouch.

“Take my advice don’t eat the rice,” Grouch told Big Bird before he left.

Grouch did not trust the Chinese and did not want to be stuck in any deals with the country.

“I told that dumb bird not to go,” Grouch said. “All I have is a trashcan and I might not even have that if this Romney guy gets elected. Thanks a lot Big Bird.”

Grouch said he is now in survivor mode and it is every muppet for themselves.

“All I want is to ensure I won’t have to go looking for a new trashcan anytime in the near future,” Grouch said. “Go ahead cancel the show but leave my can alone.”

Big Bird said he thinks every culture should be respected and his trip was a way to bridge a gap between China and the United States.

“It’s all communist talk,” Grouch said. “Can you ever really trust a bird of that size? It’s unnatural. Fire the bird keep the guy in the trashcan.”

Jesus’ teenage love notes found

LIZZIE BIBS

The Ancient Times

photo courtesy of www.knowledgerush.com.

One of Jesus' first love to Sarah notes is displayed up above.
They are set to be released next month.

                                         

We know very little about Jesus’ teenage years but a recent discovery of love notes in an old shoe box is giving insight to Jesus as a hormonal male in ancient times.

The box is painted pink with purple hearts taped to it and the words “Sarah and Jesus Forever” written in Hebrew on the top.

Historians are not sure who this Sarah is but speculate she was the first girl to begin developing in her class.

“We found an old high school year book which indicates Sarah had begun her pubescent development far above and beyond the other girls in her class,” Jerry George, a historian and archeologist at the dig said. “In short let’s just say she had moved beyond the training bra by fifth grade.”

The notes begin with a neatly written note to Jesus from Sarah asking if he thinks the two should date with a, “Yes”, “No” and “Maybe” circle option. Jesus circled “Yes” with a smiley face drawn beneath the circle.

The one thing the notes determine is Jesus was a love struck teenager much like most boys at the age of 14 but with a poetic flare.

“He wrote her many poems about his undying love for her,” George said.

One of the poems reads:

"I see you in the sunset

And in my eyes at night

With the wind you and me

Our love will last past this life

Into eternity

We're better together baby!"

The last poem he sent to Sarah is loosely translated below:

"Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

One day I’ll die on a cross

And it’ll be all for you"

This poem seems to be the one which brought on Sarah and Jesus’ breakup.

Sarah wrote in response to the poem, “What does that mean? You’ll die on a cross?!!! Seriously?!!! What does that mean?!!!!!! I think we should break up.”

Sarah then asks Jesus never to speak to her again.

“It’s clear Sarah was freaked out by the poem and who wouldn’t be? The cross wasn’t a nice symbol at the time and those who were crucified were mostly people condemned by the Romans,” George said. “It’s like telling a girl in today's world you’ll die by lethal injection for her.”

Though even with Sarah clearly wanting a break up, Jesus kept writing her more notes and poems.

“You are my everything. We can work this out baby. Just give me one more chance I promise I will never mention crucifixion again. I know I just mentioned it there again but that’s it. I’m done with it! I promise just come back to me,” Jesus wrote. “We’re better together!”

The next letter dabbles deeper into his depression and the denial of their breakup.

“My mother said I should give you a few more days to cool down. So I will. This will be the last note you’ll get from me, ever. The next move is all you,” Jesus wrote. “But seriously I love you. We should be together forever.”

It appears Jesus waited exactly one week before writing Sarah again.

“It’s been a week since I last wrote you. Where are you? Did my passenger pigeon bring it to the wrong house? Just respond to me so I know you’re alright,” Jesus wrote.

This time Sarah did respond with a letter of her own.

“Look Jesus, I got your letters and enough is enough. Stop wasting your time and mine. Get over it. I’ve moved on and am happily dating Peter. He’s the captain of the Gladiator Team and we’re getting married next month. I’ve moved on so should you,” Sarah wrote.

It was this note which brought Jesus out of his denial of their breakup and his anger began.

“You can really see Jesus go through the grieving stages within these notes as his next series of notes were very hateful and angry,” George said.

Jesus wrote his displeasure of Sarah and Peter.

“Fine date Peter. I hope the lions eat him,” Jesus said.

Jesus wrote more poems during this period riddle with swear words and vengeance. One of his tamer poems reads:

"You said you'd always be there
But now you're nowhere to be found
I can't believe you left me
I feel so low beneath the ground

Die bitch!"

The poem was written on paper with the words, “From the desktop of Jesus Christ” at the top.

“I would say with the amount of letters he wrote the whole relationship lasted around a month and the notes and poems that followed were all written within a six month time period,” George said.

Jesus eventually did move on with his last note reading, “Dearest Sarah, I am sorry for my past actions. I have found a new girl now named Mary (and no it’s not my mother). She is amazing and will love me forever unlike you. Once I ask her out we will have a deeper and more meaningful relationship than you and I ever had."

He goes on to describe Mary in detail using such adjectives as, “smart”, “beautiful”, “nice” and  “perky”.

He ends the letter with these final words, “So you see I’ve moved on and I can only hope you have too. Love, Jesus. P.S. I know you cheated on me with Peter, I will try and forgive you eventually but there are no guarantees.”

Sarah wrote back one more time after this note was received.

“Jesus I’m glad you moved on. Like I said before so have I. I am now pregnant with my first child and if you ever write to me again I will file for a restraining order. You’re beyond creepy and I will never love you. Also I’m sending all of your angry rants back to you. I would burn them but I feel you might find more pleasure in that,” Sarah wrote.

The full transcripts of Jesus and Sarah’s letters are set to be released next month.

“These letters are full of passion, hate and love,” George said. “It just goes to show a teenagers life is turbulent no matter what age, place or time you live in.”

Clint Eastwood talks to inanimate objects at RNC; doctor apologizes

photo courtesy of Getty

Clint Eastwood addresses a chair he believes to be President Obama .

LIZZIE BIBBS

Hollywood Vindicator

Clint Eastwood’s doctor apologized after subscribing him the wrong medication which caused him to hallucinate President Barack Obama during his speech at the Republican National Convention.

In fact Eastwood was talking to an empty chair.

“I was so surprise Obama agreed to come on stage with me,” Eastwood said after making his speech.

Eastwood stood in front of millions across the nation and held a full conversation with the chair he thought was seated with Obama.

Some at the convention  saw the act as a joke.

“I just thought what a character,” Josie Monaray, from Augusta, Georgia, said. “I was laughing during most of his speech.”

Others saw the true madness of Eastwood’s nature.

“I whispered to my wife, I think he’s having a psychotic episode,” John Frohn, a doctor himself from Houston, Texas, said. “She whispered back to me, ‘No honey. He’s old. It’s Alzheimer’s’.”

Robert Yessy, Eastwood’s doctor was embarrassed as he realized his mistake.

“I wrote the wrong prescription. I will take the blame for what occurred at the RNC. I am ashamed,” Yessy said.

According to Yessy, he was trying experimental medications on Eastwood, many which have work but this past time around; his pen got the better of him as his handwriting was misread by a pharmacist.

“I cannot tell you the exact medication which was subscribed but I have later found the pharmacist mistook my T for a K and my E for A that made all the difference,”Yessy said.  “I’ve been trying to get his psychosis under control for years and as he got on that stage, he had crazy beaming from his eyes. I just thought, oh no.”

Before going on stage there were reports of Eastwood yelling at people backstage.

“He grabbed my shirt and pulled me close to his face and asked me if I was a democratic spy,” Brandon VanHuet said. “He called me a punk, threw me to the ground and kicked me. I feared for my life.”

Eastwood thought a group of men at the sound booth were a part of Obama’s secret service.

“He asked me how it felt to be protecting a man who is destroying our country,” Tim Gundy said. “I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about and he said, ‘Oh you’re a liberal? Well Mr. Secret Service Boy it’s nice to know some democrats have balls.’ I was highly confused and he just stared me down and then walked away.”

Gus Furgan, a backstage crewmember reported seeing Eastwood speaking to tables, chairs and even at one point the curtain.

“There was a point he took the curtain and said wow you look mighty good in red Mrs. Romney,” Furgan said. “After that he was talking with Hilary Clinton for at least 15 minutes.”

According to Furgan, Clinton was actually a broom.

“I’ve never seen anyone manhandle a broom like that,” Furgan said. “He took her to a back closet and I didn’t see him for the rest of the night.”

David Gregory was the one who found Eastwood a few hours later.

“I opened the closet door and found Mr. Eastwood only in his boxers,” Gregory said. “Wow now that was a surprise.”

Eastwood apparently with squinting eyes and a cigarette in his mouth began quoting old movie lines, some of which were from characters he portrayed and others were not.

“He said, ‘Go ahead make my day’,” Gregory said. “Then he looked at a broom which was on the ground, picked up his clothes and said. ‘Here’s looking at you kid’.”

Yessy who had been looking for Eastwood for over five hours, was notified as Eastwood sat backstage talking with an empty beer bottle or Condoleezza Rice as he would call it.

“Luckily he was pleased with that empty bottle of Coors,” Gregory said. “He really took a liking to that bottle. I would say, that must be his beer of choice.”

Lizzie's hate mail tips

As election season comes to a head, the hate mail begins to flood in the news media’s gates.

For those thinking about writing their hate filled rants to their local or perhaps national media outlet, you should keep a few tips in mind.

The first thing you should do is edit your work. Most of the people who will be reading your letters are somewhat educated pupils and they will notice all of your double negatives, missing commas and incorrect verb usages.

It always helps when someone else reads through your work and if you don’t have a sister, mother, brother, in-law or friend to review your work, reading it aloud can help deter many errors.

When declaring a reporter a member of the liberal media, just state liberal media, do not add such adjectives as, Jewish, gay, lesbian, communist or Nazi.

Which brings us to the next point, using communist and Nazi synonymously is not politically correct. You see my animosity filled readers, a communism is the left wing gone to the extreme economically speaking and Nazism is a political ideology more commonly associated with a fascist society, which by the way is  a right wing government to the ultimate extreme, not left winged.

A quick history lesson can depict a communist feeling towards Nazism; during World War II, Hitler fought against Stalin. There quick and easy, communism and Nazism not even close to the same ideology.

Now that we’ve gotten through the definition section, let’s move on to citing your sources.

If as a reporter, I must quote sources and at least partially research my article, I expect you to do so as well.

Don’t just declare I have slept with the mayor and his wife without at least one reputable citation.

For example, “Bartholomew, my schizophrenic neighbor, said you slept with the mayor and his wife during a rousing Monday night post-city council meeting” or “Herbert, the midget inside my head, said you are such a slut you have slept with everyone in council and then topped it off with a one night stand with the chief of police.”

If I were to read such a citation, I’d think, wow this guy really did his research. I myself half believe his story.

My finally suggestion is to just sign your name. Please don’t add a “sincerely”, “cordially yours”, “yours truly” or “love” before your John Hancock. Doing so just makes you seem even more of a douche as it appears you are being ultra-sarcastic and patronizing.

Following these few simple tips will really up your game as you declare your anger towards that liberal, socialist and bitch of a reporter who even tries to write a story with another point of view others than yours or perhaps covers a story you find to be biasedly slanted; like the story written about those dogs dressed in brightly colored tutus (they were obviously gay).

Happy hate-filled writing to you all! I look forward to reading your views in a more educated fashion. 

Dead Sea Ultrasound reveals Jesus had a twin

LIZZIE BIBBS

Dead Sea Times

Jesus revealed today he was indeed a twin during his fetal stages after an image of Mary’s first ultrasound was found in Egypt.

“According to early ultrasounds, I was supposed to have a fraternal twin sister but half way through the pregnancy she was no longer,” Jesus said in a statement to the press.

The image of the twins was found by three Egyptians farmers as they were tilling their soil and is now being deemed the “Dead Sea Ultrasound”.

God admits he was hiding the ultrasound as it is a part of his past he wished to remain a secret and he had ordered the image destroyed.

“I told those monks to destroy it but I guess you never can trust a liberal to keep your lies a secret,” God said. “They always have a way of undermining authority.”

The Dead Sea Ultrasound was found by Egyptian farmers and God has confirmed Jesus was indeed at one time a twin.

Doctors have yet to determine the cause of Jesus’ sister’s early termination but say poor diet might have played a roll.

Jesus tells another story.

“Let’s face it there could only be one of us,” Jesus said. “I won.”

Jesus says his sister’s existence was cut short after a battle during prenatal stages.

“On my father’s requests, I disposed of her before she could take to life,” Jesus said.

God later confirmed Jesus’ statements.

“My initial thought was to have Mary give birth to both my son and daughter and have a tag team type revival,” God said. “Jesus would perform the miracles and my daughter would get me a nice dowry on which I would fix the roof of my house and buy an upstanding donkey and use the rest to start the building of the Vatican.”

God had made plans with Lucifer to marry his daughter at the ripe age of 14 but later rethought his whole plan.

 “Then I came to my senses. Let’s face it, the money would be nice but having a daughter would totally ruin my credibility,” God said. “There’s no way these loins would let an X chromosome slip out.”
God said his daughter’s life would have jeopardized the whole future of Christianity so he decided she must go.

“I was kind of in a catch 22 situation. I had already sacrificed two of my sperms to create these twins and those don’t come easy,” God said. “I couldn’t just terminate the pregnancy so I appeared to fetus Jesus in several dreams.”

God gave Jesus details on how to defeat his sister before she developed any further.

“She proved to be quite hard to kill. I was initially given detailed instructions on how to create a noose with her umbilical cord,” Jesus said. “This was our first failure.”

Jesus said he performed the deed while they were having a tea party.

“It was on April 2 a glorious Tuesday morning,” Jesus said. “Juanita, I named her Juanita, was seeping water through the imaginary tea bags and I was in action.”

Juanita had asked Jesus what he was doing as she could feel the tension on her cord. Jesus said he was adjusting her cord because “it had gotten tangled in the intestines.”

Juanita carried on her womanly duties without another thought to Jesus.

“Oh she was so gullible,” Jesus said. “She gave me my teacup and I told her it needed more sugar and as she turned to get the sugar off the top imaginary cupboard, I slipped the cord around her neck and gave a nice hard tug. She started laughing.”

Juanita had thought Jesus was making a nice gesture in making her a necklace.       

“She called me silly and said necklace are never supposed to be that tight,” Jesus said.

Jesus said he kept trying to pull harder on the noose but it only made her go into a fit of laughter.

“I pulled so hard on that thing but in that fetal stage we really didn’t have much of necks,” Jesus said. “Also my nubs of fingers really weren’t getting a nice enough grip.”

A second plan took place where Jesus tried to beat her death but their ill formed feet and fingers were not equipped for a proper beating.

“The third time is the charm as they say,” Jesus said. “In the end I had to eat her. She was always a deep sleeper and her placenta gave me the softest skin. It was an excellent exfoliator.”

Jesus believes some of his later powers came from Juanita.

“The fact that my first miracle was turning water to wine shows some of her feminine side coming through,” Jesus said. “If it had been a masculine miracle I would have turned the water to scotch and really gotten the party going.”

Mary stated Jesus was enough of divine intervention for any women.

“I can’t believe he wanted me to birth twins,” Mary said. “Really you knock up a virgin and expect her to push out twins on her first try. Let’s be realistic.”

God said Juanita was an unfortunate glitch in his plan for Jesus.

“The idea of spreading my seed across twins seemed quite manly at the time but once I actually thought about it, I knew what I had to do,” God said. “There isn’t a day I look back.”